[sunrise]

In the last few days, I've had more "time" with T through in person, phone, and email communications than I ever have. I guess things were reaching a crisis point so he's had a greater presence in my life right now. We had our regular hour session Tuesday. Then I fell apart on Wednesday due to ongoing events with my husband (we are trying to divorce), called my lawyer, got support and legal advice from her, then she contacted my T and must have said something to get him to pursue me (probably "sunny is a basket case, go help her"), and he contacted me. I had 4 emails from him (great empathy stuff: "I am thinking about you"), then a short phone call with him projecting more empathy and encouragement. Then a 30 minute phone call yesterday, plus two more emails, and he convinced me to schedule a special 2 hour "urgent" couples session with him this weekend. (He is giving us his personal, weekend time? Yikes.)

All this is from a T who I have only contacted once in the past 11 months by phone for support, and never by email for support. I read here about people phoning up and emailing their T's for support between sessions all the time, and have thought, well, that's great for them, but that is so not my T and I. He has boundaries, I have boundaries, I'm not that needy, blah blah blah.

The recent additional contact with my T has made me realize some things. Like I think, in part, I wouldn't typically contact him because I don't want to seem needy (even if I am). I want to get through each week and see him once, and handle that well, and I wouldn't want him to perceive me as "over-needing" him (even if it were true). I feel like I have some pride and I am strong, and no way would I let him see I can't make it a week between sessions without contacting him. Lately I also have been so stressed out, very down, then pissy as h*ll, frustrated, flinging anger here and there (please duck whoever is in the way), and I don't want him to see me like this. It is not attractive; I have not been pleasant to be around. I don't want to be that way around T. I want to be connected with him, and feeling the warmth of our relationship, and coming to amazing insights with him, etc. I don't want him to see this irritated as h*ll, stressed out, unreasonable, immature ******. I have no cause to be that way with him, as he is a comforting and helpful presence in my life, and I think he shouldn't have to be subjected to the unpleasant me, when it has nothing to do with him at all. I guess I fear that if he sees what is the "real me" right now, he will reject me. Who wouldn't? I would reject me right now--yechhhh. By the time we had our phone call yesterday, some of my desperation had dissipated (no, I was not going to take my kids and flee the state), and the call ended up being one big dump of anger and irritation from me. That can't have been fun for him--I am surprised he did not hang up. I am embarrassed by that call.

I think this whole experience has made me realize I have more walls between me and T than I thought. I really don't want him to see me during this phase. A two hour couples session this weekend? What was I thinking to agree to that? (He talked me into it, rather insistently, in fact, he kept hammering at it. Getting me to agree to it was probably the reason he put up with me for such a long call.) Sigh.

The beauty of therapy is the acceptance of the entire person-- the real you, the genuine you, the raw you. All parts, however differentiated or integrated they might be. As you know, I am more than familiar with being an angry, emotionally immature, sarcastic ***** in the presence of my T. I have gone from thinking that nothing I do or say could hurt him to finding out that he is quite human and feels hurt and angry at me sometimes.... and through all that, he's still here. Your T is reacting beautifully because although your may not be consciously reaching out, he knows... he knows you need him so he's there before you can even ask. That 2 hour couples session sounds really stressful; I don't blame you for wondering what you were thinking... but you know that your T will be in your corner.

wow. I'm glad he was there for support when you need him and thatt you felt so comfortable reaching out!

[MissCharlotte]

((Sunny))

I'm sorry you are having such a damned awful time right now.

Isn't it amazing how we build the context of the relationship between us and our T's according to a fantasy we create in our heads? (The need to save face, the unwillingness to expose our vulnerabilities.) However, the true test of the relationship is how T behaves during times of crisis such as you are experiencing now.

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I wouldn't typically contact him because I don't want to seem needy (even if I am). I want to get through each week and see him once, and handle that well, and I wouldn't want him to perceive me as "over-needing" him (even if it were true).

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I went through this too. Fortunately for me, I had a major family crisis early on in the relationship with T and I had no choice but to call him. OMG, I can still conjure up the soothing tone of his voice when my son was in the hospital.

You see, I don't think T's think less of us when we need them...I think they expect us to call them when we need them because that is the true nature of the relationship.

Congratulations!! I'm so glad he passed the test.

And take gentle care right now.

[sunrise]

Thanks pinksoil, esthersvirture, and sister.

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pinksoil said:
although your may not be consciously reaching out, he knows... he knows you need him so he's there before you can even ask

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Wow, that sounds great. Makes me want to give my T a hug.

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sister said:
I'm sorry you are having such a damned awful time right now.

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Thank you, sister.

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sister said:
I don't think T's think less of us when we need them...I think they expect us to call them when we need them because that is the true nature of the relationship

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That seems so wise to me, sister. I think I have to work on being more vulnerable and not being afraid that others will think me needy. The positive cognition I use a lot in EMDR is "I am strong," and maybe that is not the best choice...

[MsLittleSister]

My therapist would ask, "what good is the relationship we have if you don't lean on it when you need to?"

He also often points out that most people don't go to therapy to talk about all the great things going on in their life. So as a therapist, he expects me to be "less than perfect" - and he is OK with that. I'm sure your therapist knows how hard things are right now and he is OK with your anger.

Last summer I found myself fairly suicidal and my therapist called me everyday for awhile. I was mortified to need him so much and yet I truely did. It made all the difference to accept his help.

I hope you can not be so harsh with yourself and just accept your therapist's caring. He sounds like a keeper!