Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

I should be cleaning I should be doing my assessments but I am sitting playing my game on my iPad with no desire to do anything. I am overwhelmed with the amount of cleaning to be done and gone into a funk. I tried to break it down into smaller parts but even that seems hard. I was thinking I might do what I could and the real estate could take my bond but$1000 is a lot of money.

Me too - like a kind of ginormous cleansing bonfire pagan thing.

a ginormous cleansing bonfire pagan thing sounds good right about now....

Regarding my arm, Dr office said to loosen wrap, elevate, and ice. Go to ED if redness or fever. I already had appointment on Monday with Dr. office. Loosening the wrap and icing helped some. I was able to get more sleep today. Added Benadryl to the mix as the adhesive has started to cause my skin to itch.

...I am so confused and everything feels so convoluted right now. I started writing a poem last weekend at my training during one of our drum journeys. I read it to t today and she asked me read it a 2nd time. I'm not sure that she or anyone can understand the feelings that brought it about. I was thinking about the problems with h when I wrote it, but it equally applies to t, which makes it very confusing indeed, and I feel like sharing it here. Hope nobody minds.

Who are you and who am I?
Where do we divide?
I need to find some kind of shift
to open up my mind.
I've lost myself somehow it seems
or maybe just a part
without it I'm just wandering
a body with no heart.
Too much inside my head, you see
it's a place for me to hide
------
and that's all I got. I need to somehow find those feelings again and finish it, but it's always hard to do that later. I have so many partly-written poems scattered in notebooks and on my computer.

Oh. I couldn't tell!

(I have the same difficulty with ED: Eating disorder or erectile dysfunction? It helps to know the sex of the poster!)

It's difficult to take that as anything other than a criticism.

And you might like to point out that a rope has two ends.

What are brain zaps like? I never had anything other than depression coming off Prozac.

.

As happens often, something t says doesn't really register until later that evening. Now I want to email her and ask for clarification. I don't understand what she meant for sure. At the time, it didn't feel like a criticism, but thinking about it now, i see how it could have been! I wonder if she'll admit to that?

Convoluted. It's all so damned convoluted. I'm asking for clarification.

Maybe dealing with me has pushed her 'round the bend. I don't know.

Yes. I dont actually know anything about it, except that its kinda like woodstock and EST. And lollapalooza?

I am actually rather intrigued with the whole thing. I've never heard of it before, but it sounds like quite an experience!!

Didnt you have fairly major surgery this week, or am i getting you mixed up with someone else?

Yeah, and then at the end they do the ginormous pagan bonfire cleansing thing with their own wicker man. Couch road trip? We can meet artie there!

Art, you are not round the bend. It's more like you just need to find yourself, like your poem asks about.

They were like, electric shocks or something moving across the inside of the back of my head, and they'd be really sudden and startle me and make me jump. Drove me crazy cuz I never knew when they'd happen. Probably my own damn fault because while pdoc gave me his blessing to go off it, I didn't wean myself as slowly as he said to, I kinda rushed it.

I was on Prozac for several years before I went on Zoloft, and it just suddenly quit working for whatever reason. I never had any symptoms going off that - I had to go off that first before I started the Zoloft.

It's t that might be round the bend. But yes - I do need to find myself - I've lost myself in my marriage for sure, and while yes in a big way I was finding myself through therapy, it seems that now in another way I've lost part of myself to that relationship too. Convo-fricking-luted, I say.

Oh and I am all for a couch road trip!!

You know what I would love to do? I would love to take a week off work and fly to Germany to visit my brother and his wife, and just have a respite from every single thing that is "my life" right now - h, t, 18 year old son drama, work, everything.

But I won't do that, of course.

Well I've been taking up way too much of the couch this evening. I think I need to go get some sleep. Or, try anyway. Night couch. I might be back if I can't go to sleep.

Think she's saying thru your relationship with her, she thinks you will heal. Sounds like she's basically trying to undo bad relationships you have or have had with her therapeutic relationship with you

A bunch of hipsters gather in the rural desert and listen to live music, do lots of drugs, and camp for a few days. Oh and thry burn a giant man made out of wood

It doesn't help matters that t answered my earlier email with a very strange reply indeed that leaves me even more confused than before.

And now I am going to bed for reals.

Thanks jDNA, that is more how I was feeling she meant, before I started thinking too much about it. Because my relationship with her thus far anyway has been healing the bad relationship with my mother.

She got frustrated with me today though and she let it show for a moment before she got it under control and apologized. It didn't bother me like it would have in the past, as in make me start crying and worrying that she hates me or is mad at me, but it did make me start over-thinking the whole session.

I'm just confused.