Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

Why is it better? I have asked this kind of thing before and only received vague or unintelliglble answers, and I suspect I simply cannot understand this concept... but I'll try again. Why?

Are the areas connected? Did you go to emergency? Are you draining? How are you???

As happens often, something t says doesn't really register until later that evening. Now I want to email her and ask for clarification. I don't understand what she meant for sure. At the time, it didn't feel like a criticism, but thinking about it now, i see how it could have been! I wonder if she'll admit to that?

Convoluted. It's all so damned convoluted. I'm asking for clarification.

Think she's saying thru your relationship with her, she thinks you will heal. Sounds like she's basically trying to undo bad relationships you have or have had with her therapeutic relationship with you

I'm searching healthgrades.com for psychologists in the area.

It identifies a "best match" for you. Mine is...DBC.

(Yawn) Hi couchies! So after tossing and turning most of the night, my confusion still reigns supreme this morning. Things that t said yesterday (that yes she apologized for but still) are bouncing around in my brain and won't go away. I am feeling so stupid and anti-therapy right now, and wishing I had not gone yesterday. I remembered during the night something else that she said: she talked about me needing to commit.

(warning rant ahead, please feel free to ignore!) I kind of want to punch her in the face right now, if she thinks I have not been committed to this process all the way along. 5 ****ing years, and I have been working hard at this, I have made so many positive changes in my life, and she says that I need to commit?! **** her. It is beginning to dawn on me that she doesn't know what the **** she is doing, that she is just winging it and calling everything my "process" to make her sound like she knows what she is talking about.

Okay that's not exactly fair and I know it. She's known what she is talking about to get me this far. She walked with me through working out a lot of '****' from my childhood and I am thankful for that. But I think maybe all of my ambivalence lately and the need that part of me had to take a break at the beginning of the month still might have been right - because we've gone as far as we're going to go 'together' and that's just the way it is. I saw it yesterday briefly before she caught herself, she let me see her frustration with me, with a fundamental part of who I am that I don't think can be changed, and she said a particular word in a derogatory way, which she did apologize for but... damn. If that's the kind of person she is in real life, that she would say that to somebody in that way, I mean I'd already dropped my illusions/fantasies about her as far as wanting to be her friend awhile back, but yesterday, it's like I saw behind her mask and I really didn't at all like what I saw, it must take a whole lot of work on her part to hide that person from her clients. She is not a kind person. Come to think of it, she told me that once before several months back. I responded to something with "You're being too kind." And she said "I am not kind." Well she was right. She is not. And even after she apologized, after she adjusted her mask back into place, she still looked different. The mask is no longer working.

I used to wonder what she honestly thought of me as a person, behind what she actually says, and now I know, and I think I hate her. I scheduled for April but at the moment I feel like cancelling both appointments and never going back. I'm sorry to carry on so much here. I don't know if I'm being unfair to her because of my own 'stuff' or am I right that there's nothing more she can do for me? I think that little diatribe of hers yesterday severed my remaining attachment to her, anyway. So I should count it as a good thing I guess.

Why can't I trust myself? Why?!

rant over.

Things are better this morning. The left is still more swollen than the right. Sensation along the top has returned and a little along the bottom. I can go to ED if need be. I have appointment on Monday. I am not draining very much so my drains will come out on Monday. The fluid is getting lighter (a good thing).

I crashed out last night and slept hard. Another good thing.

No fever, no redness, and no oozing from incisions...all food things.

Mentally/emotionally. ..I am good with the decision and procedure.

Thanks for asking.

Why is it better? I have asked this kind of thing before and only received vague or unintelliglble answers, and I suspect I simply cannot understand this concept... but I'll try again. Why?

HELP... I need to get started on doing this presentation and I feel completely blocked. I can't do it. Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!

im 7 days off opiates today...

I like awkwardlys answer. Otherwise the craziness leaks out when the least amount of pressure is applied, like im a sponge full of crazy. Ya dont want to be a dried up ol sponge either, to where everything rolls right off...


Maybe i should write a book of these psychological similes

I can see it now...the Yogi Berra of psychology. When you come to fork in the road, take it!

ETA: what I'd like to know too is why the feelings have to be expressed to a therapist/in therapy if they must be expressed. Why not a journal, a hollow reed (extra credit for getting the ref there), yourself in the mirror, the cat?

Why not a journal, a hollow reed (extra credit for getting the ref there), yourself in the mirror, the cat?

No way - sometimes she looks back at me like "why are you such a stupid human?" and I just feel worse...

Aww, no cats are looking at us with pure love because we provide warm bodies for them to curl up on

(that is how i look at it, ok!)

(as my two cats now provide barely any room for me to sleep at night as they both like to curl up in my nooks.)

ETA: what I'd like to know too is why the feelings have to be expressed to a therapist/in therapy if they must be expressed. Why not a journal, a hollow reed (extra credit for getting the ref there), yourself in the mirror, the cat?

(((Artie))) my experience with the EAP was not the best. My regular t at the time kept warning me, remember, they work for the company, not you. Altho my issue was work related, not personal. Anyway i see them more as people who get alcoholic employees into recovery programs instead of getting fired. Or domestic violence help. But not so much for an existential crisis. So i would be wary.

How about a clergyperson? If your vow to stay with h is at issue, why not talk to someone under that umbrella? Explore what the vow means. I always find the parable of the talents to be useful. Are you meant to literally bury your talents because of your hs fears or desires or whatever? You have to answer for your talents at the final judgment (i take this figuratively). What will make you happy on your deathbed?

Eta - i didnt even want to speak the word divorce. I can remember exactly where i was (out for a walk, cold bright day, in front of the tire shop!) when i finally admitted it to myself.