Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

Drugs? Oh crap. I was intrigued by what I read, but when I clicked on the link that said "about illegal drugs" or something the link didn't work - so I don't know what it was supposed to go to. Dang it. Alcohol would be ok, but I don't want to be tempted by anything else!! Well, I would never go anyway. So I can be satisfied with just looking at the cool pictures on the web site for it.

My T has definitely been frustrated wi th me and shown that to me. He tells me he feels that way so I'm not guessing, or he used to. Now I just ask...but I've gotten so paranoid and narrow sighted I think he is always frustrated with me (which is negative transference for me, I think).. I also think my T got way to close to me in the beginning. So of course I let that happen... now he's older and has his own family. So the boundaries start tightening. I struggle with that the most. Because I blame myself

Anyway, that's what I thought your T meant upon first reading it.

I'm searching healthgrades.com for psychologists in the area.

It identifies a "best match" for you. Mine is...DBC.

yes major surgery on tuesday.

The cyclone is predicted to cross the coast just south of us on Monday morning or late Monday and t still hasn't cancelled. I know cyclones are unpredictable but I don't want to going to session in gale force winds. Maybe tomorrow will be different. I kind of hope he cancels for some reason I really don't want to go this week

Stay safe BCM!

My marriage counselor has said something similar about my working through transference with him (and the potential benefits of working through transference in general). That it can replicate a relationship (or relationships) from my past that were painful, only with a different ending. So I can sort of resolve that stuff in my head. (Does that make sense? I really shouldn't try to write things before I've had more than a sip of coffee.)

I've also found that by working through conflicts/ruptures with both him and T that it's helped me do better at that with people in real life. Almost like I'm using them as practice because they're a safer space in which to express my anger or hurt, since they're trained to deal with it and hold/contain it. The same with my transference/attachment and feelings of love toward them.

I'm definitely more comfortable expressing my feelings to people in my life since the "practice" with T and MC--though, naturally, the results in real life haven't always been positive or predictable because they're two-sided relationships (where therapy is more one-sided). But I still think it's better that I'm getting those feelings out there.

Art, I know you've talked about changes in yourself since starting therapy. Like how you're more willing to stand up for yourself. I'm sure your T sees that in you, too. Maybe she's partly referring to you taking control of your therapy? Like being the one to decide when you want a break and when you want to come back. And doing that is therapy work just as much as what you actually say in session. So maybe that's what she means? That working through your relationship with her is just as important to your therapy as what you discuss in session?

Well, this made me think of una https://www.facebook.com/story.php?s...id=10513336322

Feeling lonely today.
Yesterday I told my t I have no one but him. Seems that "helped" me realize how lonely I am.

I was alone all my life, but it never was a problem. Why does it bother me now? Sigh

Are the areas connected? Did you go to emergency? Are you draining? How are you???

Maybe it's because you're getting that caring and connection from T? So you're now realizing what you were missing?

I'm not sure if this is working for me. Like I said I think my T might have flubbed up in the beginning. I think he was lonely when we met. I mean he was VERY engaged with me for a few years

It's an absolutely beautiful day today.

(Yawn) Hi couchies! So after tossing and turning most of the night, my confusion still reigns supreme this morning. Things that t said yesterday (that yes she apologized for but still) are bouncing around in my brain and won't go away. I am feeling so stupid and anti-therapy right now, and wishing I had not gone yesterday. I remembered during the night something else that she said: she talked about me needing to commit.

(warning rant ahead, please feel free to ignore!) I kind of want to punch her in the face right now, if she thinks I have not been committed to this process all the way along. 5 ****ing years, and I have been working hard at this, I have made so many positive changes in my life, and she says that I need to commit?! **** her. It is beginning to dawn on me that she doesn't know what the **** she is doing, that she is just winging it and calling everything my "process" to make her sound like she knows what she is talking about.

Okay that's not exactly fair and I know it. She's known what she is talking about to get me this far. She walked with me through working out a lot of '****' from my childhood and I am thankful for that. But I think maybe all of my ambivalence lately and the need that part of me had to take a break at the beginning of the month still might have been right - because we've gone as far as we're going to go 'together' and that's just the way it is. I saw it yesterday briefly before she caught herself, she let me see her frustration with me, with a fundamental part of who I am that I don't think can be changed, and she said a particular word in a derogatory way, which she did apologize for but... damn. If that's the kind of person she is in real life, that she would say that to somebody in that way, I mean I'd already dropped my illusions/fantasies about her as far as wanting to be her friend awhile back, but yesterday, it's like I saw behind her mask and I really didn't at all like what I saw, it must take a whole lot of work on her part to hide that person from her clients. She is not a kind person. Come to think of it, she told me that once before several months back. I responded to something with "You're being too kind." And she said "I am not kind." Well she was right. She is not. And even after she apologized, after she adjusted her mask back into place, she still looked different. The mask is no longer working.

I used to wonder what she honestly thought of me as a person, behind what she actually says, and now I know, and I think I hate her. I scheduled for April but at the moment I feel like cancelling both appointments and never going back. I'm sorry to carry on so much here. I don't know if I'm being unfair to her because of my own 'stuff' or am I right that there's nothing more she can do for me? I think that little diatribe of hers yesterday severed my remaining attachment to her, anyway. So I should count it as a good thing I guess.

Why can't I trust myself? Why?!

rant over.

Beautiful picture!! Thank you for sharing!

Why is it better? I have asked this kind of thing before and only received vague or unintelliglble answers, and I suspect I simply cannot understand this concept... but I'll try again. Why?

Maybe so they don't fester inside....? ETA: that was speaking only for myself, of course.

Thanks art, I had some even nicer ones but they had my kids and H in so I decided not to upload them.
It sounds like you're right in the middle of a tug o war at the moment with your T pulling you one way, your H pulling you the other, and you right in the middle saying "hang on, I want to make my own choices!". It sounds like therapy has given you access to your own autonomous voice and now your T doesn't know how to deal with that. I don't know if this is appropriate for you, but when I was unsure about my relationship with T1 I gained a lot from talking to another therapist about it. Just that objective voice and space to explore my feelings made a big difference to me. I hope you get some sense of resolution because it doesn't seem fair that you are trapped in the middle like this.

I can't speak for LT, buy personally I found unexpressed feelings which I pushed down made me deeply unhappy and also spilled into other behaviours which were not healthy. Expressing my feelings means I can acknowledge and accept them, and in turn, accept the whole of myself. I feel more authentic and happy now than I ever have before.

Thanks Echos. I keep not thinking about this but we have that EAP thing at work, Employee Assistance Program I think it stands for, and we can get like 3 free sessions or something with an EAP therapist. I should do that. In fact I'm going to go log into the web site and request approval right now for this particular issue. It can't hurt right? And might be exactly what I need. Thank you thank you.

That sounds like it could be useful. I've got my fingers crossed for you!

Wow, I really relate to some of the things you say, Art. Except I haven't been with my T for such a long time - nowhere near. It must be horrible to be feeling that way I don't think I can offer any practical advice, but I do feel for you!

It is a beautiful day here, too, Echos - and I'm holed up indoors putting together a last-minute presentation about obsessive compulsive disorder. Ahhhhhh! Why do I always do this to myself?

Still feeling miserable about T, too. Hate him - love him - hate him - love him - briefly reconnect with the rational part of myself and realise he's just a human with flaws and virtues - hate him - love him - hate him. Feel like my brain is going to disintegrate. How am I meant to concentrate on OCD with all these THOUGHTS pestering me? Rather ironic really.

I too have often wondered this.

I just submitted my request for approval - and it's actually 5 free appointments, this may be just what I need to solve this dilemma once and for all. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

I'm more willing to express myself. I've always been very conflict-avoidant in general. If I'm unhappy with what someone said or did, I'm more likely to blame myself, to think it's something I did wrong (or just me in general) to make them say or act that way. I still do that to some extent (which really bothers my T--and MC, actually). I just have trouble feeling, let alone expressing, anger at or disappointment in other people. Definitely comes from childhood (negative emotions were repressed in my family).

But now, I'm more likely to speak up, whether with H or friends (still not there with my family yet...). I won't just take it if someone is upset with me--I'll fight (verbally) back and state my piece. If I'm worried that a friend is mad at me or tired of me, I'll sometimes actually bring it up instead of just worrying until I hear from them again.

And I got some practice doing these things when upset with T or MC. I wanted to just walk away a couple times, but instead tried to work it out with them. In each case, it was difficult, painful, and a bit scary, but I think it ultimately strengthened our relationship. The same with friends. It's been a bit more difficult with H, because he's not used to me arguing/fighting back, and I'm still not very "good" at it, if that makes sense. MC has said it may be because, yes, I'm fighting back, but I'm doing it more from a place of fear than from, say, confidence that I'm not doing anything wrong.

Hope that makes sense and is helpful!