Couch 134 - The Untriquadium Couch

My t always says she plans to still be working when she's 100 (she'll be 67 in May)

Yes.

I think I'm okay, managed to distract myself a bit. I hate having to shove the panic down though. It never really goes away.

I love the idea of a couch on a mountain.

An exercise my T did with me once was to imagine my body expanding to contain the emotion and my senses expanding to the wide world around.

Panic sucks <3

That's lovely. I like the idea of containing the emotion without having to shove it down - expand myself instead, so that there's room for it. That idea is actually blowing my mind a bit!

I'm almost home now. It's going to be really good to get out in the air.

Sorry for waltzing in here all self-absorbed - I send my love to those others who need it today.

I think she loosely based it on ACT's concept of defusion. It feels easier (at least for me) to expand rather than try to quash how I feel. There's an element of acceptance and yet making room, so to speak.

Ah - I saw a T who did ACT but unfortunately only for four or five sessions - it turned out that she wasn't BACP accredited and so I couldn't see her in line with the university's rules. I thought it really sounded like something that could help me. Can't imagine current T being into it though I'll have to do some research on my own.

Home now and feeling okay. Just a bit... frazzled. I think I need to talk to my T about what happened - he doesn't know about it at all. I think I'd convinced myself that I'd processed it properly but in the last few months its been unexpectedly (and painfully) surfacing.

I like ACT much better than CBT, maybe because acceptance is something I prefer rather than contorting my thoughts. My T likes to blend ACT with DBT because both utilize mindfulness and acceptance.

Do you journal? I'm rather numb in sessions so T wants me to journal when triggered so I can bring the paper in and re-elicit emotion so we don't spend most of session trying to break through numbness.

Yes, the idea really appealed to me, because I tend to try to fight my emotions (especially anxiety) with logic, but all it does it make me more distressed. I end up with a battle going on in my head - "STOP BEING SO ANXIOUS IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE" really doesn't work at all, it just makes me hate myself!

I don't have a proper journal - I've pretty much been using this site for that purpose (though mostly via PM recently as I've got a bit paranoid)... Re-eliciting the emotion sounds a bit scary - like deliberately triggering yourself again? But I know what you mean - if I'm repressing something (as I usually have to do in order to live my everyday life), I might end up just talking about it intellectually in a session rather than letting myself feel it.

[QUOTE=lucozader;5550839]Yes, the idea really appealed to me, because I tend to try to fight my emotions (especially anxiety) with logic, but all it does it make me more distressed. I end up with a battle going on in my head - "STOP BEING SO ANXIOUS IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE" really doesn't work at all, it just makes me hate myself!

Yess!! I was anxious no matter how much I disputed my "irrational" anxious thoughts.

If you feel paranoid, try a private, password protected WordPress blog?
Yes! I intellectualise and rationalise a whole lot, because gotta function at work and home is emotionally unsafe etc. So haha T really wants to try to trigger me in session lol. Last one, I suggested something which ALWAYS makes me cry outside session...but I felt nothing, absolutely nothing in session!

i'm taking my final class, it's to help prepare for the CPC exam. i took some quizzes on anatomy and medical terminology and did well, better than i thought i would by far. i was surprised at how much i knew without using a reference or anything... i often feel like i am a total idiot and am just somehow fooling my teachers, etc.. anyway im feeling a little mroe confident about taking the exam

You've always struck me as very intelligent. I'm not surprised you're doing well in your studies.

JDNA, congrats, that's awesome! BTW, you are far from an idiot! You are very thoughtful, very articulate and highly intelligent!

Are you studying to be a medical billing coder? My best friend has done that for years and really likes it!

yeah, i want to work in a specialized practice instead of a hospital at first. that way i can focus on a more narrow group in the ICD and CPT manuals... hopefully i can build up my knowledge more and then look for something better

i'm afraid i'll get caught in that trap here of employers seeking employees that have experience, and i'm fresh out of school with no experience

I just came clean with my therapist about something regarding our interactions that may or may not cause the death of my therapy. But if it is so fragile that it does not survive my honesty, then it does not deserve to live.

I agree with you ruh roh that your therapy should be strong enough to survive your disclosure. From what you described of your therapy in the past I suspect it will survive it. What sense did you get from your therapist?
I admire your courage in taking the risk

I admire your courage in taking the risk also, ruh roh.

I don't know how she will respond. She said not long ago that between her, me and my dog, my dog is the best communicator, and he doesn't even use words. So at least she is not putting it all on me. Even so, I really do not know how this will play out. I see her tomorrow.

If you need pocket riders I'm here run roh.

You are brave and I admire your courage too!

I'll ride along too if you would like.

I don't know this for sure of course but I'll wager any amount that you'll come out fine.

Also, is it the season for these kinds of things or what? I just went through something very similar with current T.

It helped for me to calm down a bit and come to the realization that what I really needed was for her to acknowledge my version of what happened as reality -- so, I didn't need an apology or one of those I'm-feeling-sadness statements (I sarcastically dismissed any attempt she made at giving me that) but just an honest and straightforward agreeement that "Yes X happened as you remember it" (even if she'd gone on to say that my response was disproportionate -- which of course I realized it was). It took a couple of sessions and a looooong email I wrote her but I'm now good with how things are -- her responses were not perfect but it's something I can live with.

Thanks AY. I remember seeing your post about that and wishing I could be as upfront. Mine was a long *ss email, too. I think some things have a better chance of being heard in writing, without any of the in person dynamics that can cloud things.

We already addressed some of this in person, and she apologized, but it was rocky getting there, and things continue to fester. I needed to open it all up and keep doing it until it feels resolved. I hope she gets that, but who knows.

I give this maybe less than 50% of success.

Hah...I was hardly upfront, trust me. It was something that's bothered me pretty much from the beginning (7 months) and I didn't say anything -- she was astonished that it's bothered me so much but I hadn't let out a peep all this while (told me that she couldn't imagine holding in something that intense for that long).

I totally agree on the usefulness of email -- I fear that I'll just explode if I try to convey some stuff in person. And, I get that feeling of hoping that she'll understand how crucial it is for you to keep talking until it's resolved -- in my email, I'd started by saying that I'd experienced a profound loss of trust in her and then ended by saying that I'd like to hope that it can be worked out. But it was just that -- hope and nothing else.

I know how the whole situation can feel all-consumingly hellish....take care of yourself

Deleted. Feeling weird and vulnerable. Sorry guys.

You threw your therapist across the room and hit him?