[painfullypolite]

My therapist seems like a cool person--in fact, we really hit it off. Possibly too much. Instead of therapy at her office, she wants me to chill with her at her house. She buys us fast food and has me look at her photo albums and tells her life story and it becomes a sort of reverse therapy sesh. On her invitation I started going to her preferred yoga studio with her. We talk about all the personal dramas with her “other friends” in her life, her family strifes, etc, at her home we play with her dog or instruments. (She doesn’t like my home as much although she’s been over a few times.) It’s pretty fun, so I don’t know why it’s so discomfiting. Deep down I really just want a therapist. When I arrive at her office for a session, she says “That’s it--we’re too close, I’m not your friend, I’m your therapist.” Then immediately changes her mind and says “What the heck, therapy’s out the window.” She repeatedly reminds me how illicit our relationship is, how warned she’s been about it, it’s almost like it “does” something for her. Out of the blue she’ll switch back into therapy mode and ask me an intensely personal question about my childhood. When I try to open up, I am always cut off. I have never received a validating answer or any kind of relevant answer. I will say something like, “My mom was a narcissist and I’m completely cut off from my family.” And my therapist (technically social worker) will say something like, “That guy’s picking at his forehead.” She takes her boot on and off several times a session and something about her foot is another common answer. Yesterday when I finally got a chance to finish a sentence and revealed something intensely personal, she abruptly cut me off as if uncomfortable and decided instead of therapy that day we’d go party at her house. I’m so confused, it’s almost like a kind of mind game. 6 weeks in twice a week and I have never once gotten to delve into any of my personal heartaches that I feel so desperate to reprocess and explore. The closest she gets to therapy is giving out tons of unsolicited advice. She is part of a pyramid scheme and she insists I can’t get involved in her side work; however I noticed when she was decorating for her pyramid scheme initiation party (whatever they’re called) she had made up a little baggy full of sample products with my name on it and she hoped I would come and not reveal to anyone our relationship. Yesterday at her house I wasn’t wearing a bra so I noticed when her hand accidentally touched my breast. I’m sure I read too deep into it, but because of the nature of our too-intimate relationship it made me wonder. She has told me her ex’s **** size, the amount of pot she smokes, the nerve pills she takes, her past involuntary committal to a psych ward, and several things I’d rather not know. I noticed we had a lot in common--maybe too much! She’s become so attached to me though and really considers us good friends and she’s bought so much stuff for me and she’s been such an open book--I don’t know how to cut it off. I know all of her other clients and stories by name, so I know she doesn’t get much business, and I know she needs the money or she’ll have to stay with her ugly, boring husband (her words, not mine) or else move back home. I only get so many hours of therapy per year with my insurance so I feel like the clock is ticking to try to heal (I’m in the disability process for severe PTSD and bipolar). How can I possibly let her down gently and move on to a new therapist?

[doogie]

I think you already know that you aren't getting the therapy you need. I can understand how you might feel guilty to switch therapists, but you need to think about yourself first and your own future. She is the professional and if she gets her feelings hurt it's because she is acting inappropriately and is not keeping appropriate boundaries with you. You didn't do anything wrong. Even though the T/client relationship feels equal sometimes, it really isn't always. Many times, the T is in the more powerful/influential position. It seems like she has suggested/led you to this more intimate relationship, and she should have known better. I hope that you find a T that can really help you.

[TishaBuv]

This is no good. You should probably stop seeing her as a t and as a friend. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's completely inappropriate.

[Wonderfalls]

I don't see any "probably" about it. You would have to look far and wide to find a therapist less helpful and more inappropriate than she is. The woman sounds certifiable. Leave.

One word: RUN!!!

Oh, and how to "let her down gently"? No need. Just don't go back. Delete her from your contacts. If she tries to contact you, firmly say that you want no further contact from her. Period. If she persists in contacting you despite that firm request, report her. There is NOTHING okay about what you just described.

[satsuma]

Really sorry that you are in this situation. This is putting you at risk. None of these things should ever have happened. Lola grace is right - I hope you never go back. You need to take care of yourself here, because this other person (who is NOT behaving as a T) is clearly not going to.

[Salmon77]

That doesn't sound like therapy to me. I'd just stop going. She probably won't even ask why, because this part:

When I arrive at her office for a session, she says “That’s it--we’re too close, I’m not your friend, I’m your therapist.” Then immediately changes her mind and says “What the heck, therapy’s out the window.”

shows that she knows she isn't doing therapy with you. If she does ask, just tell her you need a therapist who doesn't throw therapy out the window.

This is pretty disturbing... so many violations of professionalism (if there was any to start with). You did engage in it though so I would perhaps ask myself why? This is not a mentally healthy person based on the description.

I would run for the hills and never go back. Perhaps with a simple note that I want therapy for my money and no further explanation/engagement.

[Erebos]

Wow!, she sounds disturbing/disturbed, your paying her to basically off load on you.
She sounds like she is high most of the time, her behaviour sounds very typically drug induced.
I would be nervous of her reaction of you dropping her considering what you know about her.
Hopefully though she will understand it's no good for either of you.
But hey this is just an opinion.
Do what feels right, if your needs are not being met it's probably time to look to a place they can be met.

[Nammu]

She should be reported for ethics violations.

[Merecat]

The fact that you're worried about letting her down tells me it's not a safe, therapeutic relationship. You're free to leave therapy at any time, with no notice, warning or reason. So, how do you stop? You just don't arrange to see her again, block her number and don't contact her again.

And if you've been paying for this non-therapy I'd be complaining and asking for a refund.

I agree that there is nothing ok about this relationship. I think you need to get out NOW and find a t who can meet your needs. I wish you the best.

[luvnola]

Like has been said, RUN. She is breaking the law by telling you other clients' names and stories. If she is charging your insurance company for a visit when you party at her house, she's committing insurance fraud. She is acting completely unprofessional and sounds really unhealthy. I'd actually report her for the violations. This woman has absolutely no business being in this profession.

[AllHeart]

You know all of her other clients and stories by name? Consider then these clients know your story and your name. This so-called therapist is selfishly putting her needs far before yours. This doesn't sound remotely close to therapy. Don't sacrifice your need for therapy because your kind heart doesn't want to offend this woman.

I would run like hell from this person and fast. Trust me, the situation is only going to get worse and leaving will get even harder. Ideas for a gentle therapy break up are to tell her you are concerned for her well-being, to get some help herself, and you'll be moving on, or, tell her you appreciate everything she has done for you but the therapy just isn't working for you. She doesn't sound like a rational person so I suspect that no matter how you break it off with her, she won't take it well. Just remember that you are not responsible for her emotional well-being. It was very unfair and wrong of her to put you in this position to begin with. Don't feel bad for doing what is best for you because so far she has been doing what has been best for her.

[Moment]

It's clear you know you have to leave, you are just struggling with how to do it.

Enlist the aid of another therapist. Call around and interview them over the phone. Get referrals. Find someone who understands boundaries. Explain that this is an issue for you and you do not want this kind of ambiguity; you want a therapist, not a quasi-friend. If you find one that sounds OK, make an appointment with this person as soon as possible.

The day of this appointment, or even during the appointment, call your current "therapist" and say, "I wanted to call and tell you I am switching to a new therapist. I wish you the best, but I haven't been getting what I need out of our therapy, and need to move on for my own healing." Do not answer any calls or emails or texts that you receive in response to this. Cut this person off completely. Continue going to your new therapist and rely on that therapist's support to help get you out of this toxic relationship. Top of your agenda for therapy: why it is that you are so worried about "hurting" another person that you let them hurt you.

This sounds like a nightmare. There are good therapists out there.