[Elio]

For those of you that have had to deal with a vacation, what types of vacation topics did you cover or in hindsight would have to try to elevate separation anxiety and stresses?

Things I've seen and read about have been:
- transitional objects
- vacation time communications

For those that used these did either actually help? Did you bring them up or did T?

And yes, I know how *** (all kinds of judgment words) this sounds so please I don't need to hear about just growing up and dealing with it. I can do that, it is about trying to find a better way.

Could you rephrase the background and your question please? Forgive me. I haven't been able to understand your post.

[ruh roh]

Hi Elio,

I have not used a transitional object, but my therapist says that it's very common for people to ask for something like that.

My therapist doesn't take long vacations (usually no more than a week) so I can't complain, but even with that kind of break, what helps is to email. She is usually not able to reply, but will tell me to email as much as I want or need to. A couple of times, she has emailed to let me know when she's returned, which was especially helpful.

I think she is the one who brought these things up first. The most I might ask is if she's leaving the country because that worries me more than anything for some reason. She might give me a general location answer (country or state) but that's about it. Once, she said specifically one place she would be, which surprised me, but it was apparently something all her clients knew because she brought things back from there.

Anyway, I think they expect it to be concerning for some clients. Is this the first vacation she's taken with you as a client?

[stopdog]

While the therapist is not a big deal to me - with others who are real to me (my person would travel for her work for example - and be gone for months at times) - I simply filled time with planning weekly special things I enjoyed that she would not or that were exciting to me

[Elio]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Is this the first vacation she's taken with you as a client?

No, this is the 2nd one. The last one was just over a year ago, it was right as the attachment was starting and I was still pretty much fighting it. Right before that vacation, I had been working up to talking about a big topic, well talking about it in layers and I had purposely put off talking about it more because I didn't want to go a long period of time without checking in; making sure we were still ok. I was seeing her in the mornings then. On the first visit back, I got a call from the clinic staff about 30 mins before the appointment that she had a family emergency and had to leave. So it was another week before I saw her. Now I see her 2x a week and I am letting the other parts of me be heard more.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Could you rephrase the background and your question please? Forgive me. I haven't been able to understand your post.

Additional quick background: I have significant maternal transference going on. The part of me that sees a part of her as Mommy is a little boy of about 4-5 yr. old. With that comes all the emotions and feelings of a typical 4-5 yr. old. And mommy is going away. She will forget about. She will be different when she comes back. What if she doesn't come back. Who will take care of me while she is gone. What if I get a booboo... and so on. Yeah, these are not the thoughts of the adult me. Adult me is like, yes, she needs a vacation to take care of herself, I need her to not burn out, it has been a long time since she's taken time for herself, it is only 12 days... and so on. I have yet to learn how to soothe the little boy in a way that works. As it is, I already journal to her daily and some weeks Wen to Mon is too long without contact and I email her.

So, my question is for those that also are dealing with strong attachments to their T from such a young part of themselves, how did they deal with the separation that comes from a vacation? What things did they try to do before the vacation to help and what things did they learn from the vacation to try in the next time? Did they have to bring it up or did their T's bring it up (and in my child mind, T bringing it up and offering solutions = T taking care of me)?

Does that help explain my ask?

[Waterbear]

Hi Elio,

My T started the vacation talk before Mr and I am glad that she did, because I was trying to avoid it, trying to pretend that it wasn't happening, as I often do with things like this. It doesn't help though, so I am pleased we talked about it and thought of what I needed, because it was easier for me both during and after the vacation.

In the end we decided on a few things.
I asked T for something soft of hers, a stuffed toy or a blanket or something. She said that she would have a think about this, and I jumped to the wrong conclusions as usual. (I thought she was thinking about whether to or not. She was thinking about what it could be). In the end she gave me a bear and I slept with it every night and cuddled it when I missed her.
I also asked for a letter or something which I could open half way through the holiday, which she did, and I think it helped too.
T also text Mr when she got back from her holiday, even though it was 4 days before we met again, which we didn't agree on but I am pleased she did, because it meant that I knew that she was safe. (Did also make me a bit cross that she wouldn't meet me the day she got back though, unrealistic, I know!).
We also talked about where she was going and while she was there I looked at a live web cam a couple of times a day, just to make sure the place was still there. If it was then maybe she was! It helped and it wasn't obsessive (because in all honesty it was just a boring picture!).
I also asked if I could drop a letter or two at her house (we meet there) if I needed and wanted to and she said that it would be fine. I didn't in the end, but I did write to her every day in an email and I sent it when I knew she was back home. It was about seven pages long! I knew that if I emailed I would just worry. Was she reading them? Would she reply? Was every day too much? Etc etc, so I knew just best not to. Would be worth thinking about though.

All these things I think helped, because this time we were back to 'normal' after just a week as opposed to about 4 weeks last time, even though that was a shorter break.

Hope it helps. Hope you can have these discussions. Hope that it goes as well as possible for you.

[doogie]

I have a difficult time w/my T being away. I have a lot of shame about considering I'm a high functioning university professor and mom of 2 with an apparently 'normal' life. I should be able to deal with this, right?? ugh.

Anyway, I am allowed to text to connect when T is away, though I try not to. I have a transitional object that T gave me, which helps. The last time T was away, the most helpful thing I did was this. I left a Word document open on my computer, and every time I felt sad or had something to say or was mad or whatever - I wrote in down in the Word document. It turned into a journal of sorts for the week T was away. It was very freeing to 'say' to her in those pages all the things I wanted to say about her being away that I would never, ever say to her in person. AND, it allowed me to get all that 'stuff' out of me and put it somewhere. I still really struggle and I'm dreading that T will be gone again for a week in about 2 weeks. Good luck to you. Ask your T for what you need. You might be sorry you didn't during the away time.

[BayBrony]

My T is the Queen of transitional objects. I have a number of things She has given me. Depending on how I am feeling i may have several or none of them with me at any given time. She usually takes the stuffed wolf i keep in her office with her and wgen she is getting ready to leave she will take a pic of little wolf peeking out of her bag or whatever and text it.

I have a stuffed animal and a inscribed story book she gave me.
Now that my maternal transference is less intense she will give me therapy or meditation books from her bookshelf to read/work on when she is gone. I often get some very productive internal work done when she is gone

I

[feileacan]

My T takes 6 weeks of vacation every summer. First of them was okay because we had just started couple of months ago and I had not developed any attachment feelings yet.

Second year was terrible. We knew beforehand that it could be difficult and we agreed beforehand that if things get too difficult for me then I'll email and we'll schedule an extra session during his holiday. It turned out to be necessary.

Next year I was leaving the country for a year in the beginning of his holiday. As I was alone in a new country with new job I developed terrible anxiety that was completely unexpected. So wrote him couple of very desperate emails answers to which I waited like they would be my lifeline or something. As he didn't respond quickly enough I ended up looking for a local T which proved to be a great decision.

This year my strategy is as follows: I will take my pillow cover with me (Couple of weeks ago T offered that I could take it with me for weekends which I have been doing). I will also email if needed. My T normally doesn't respond but when desperately needed I can explicitly ask him and then he does. I don't believe I need to arrange a permission to call or have an extra session this year but as I said, these have been used previously when I truly needed such measures.

My T brought up all these measures or at least initiated the discussion of how I will cope or what I need in order to cope. For me those measures have been very helpful. I hope you'll be able to negotiate with your T what you would need and what she can offer.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by doogie

I have a difficult time w/my T being away. I have a lot of shame about considering I'm a high functioning university professor and mom of 2 with an apparently 'normal' life. I should be able to deal with this, right?? ugh.

I'm a similarly high functioning university researcher, also a mom of 2 and with normal life. But there's nothing to do - when the early childhood attachment relationship went wrong then it has to be made up later in life.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by feileacan

I'm a similarly high functioning university researcher, also a mom of 2 and with normal life. But there's nothing to do - when the early childhood attachment relationship went wrong then it has to be made up later in life.

Originally Posted by doogie

I have a difficult time w/my T being away. I have a lot of shame about considering I'm a high functioning university professor and mom of 2 with an apparently 'normal' life. I should be able to deal with this, right?? ugh.

Yes, I am highly educated in software dev and project management. There is a huge incongruity between these parts of myself.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

My T is the Queen of transitional objects. I have a number of things She has given me. Depending on how I am feeling i may have several or none of them with me at any given time. She usually takes the stuffed wolf i keep in her office with her and wgen she is getting ready to leave she will take a pic of little wolf peeking out of her bag or whatever and text it.

I have a stuffed animal and a inscribed story book she gave me.
Now that my maternal transference is less intense she will give me therapy or meditation books from her bookshelf to read/work on when she is gone. I often get some very productive internal work done when she is gone

I

Thank you for these suggestions, I almost think that a therapy book with "homework" might be better for me than a story book, even though I have been using story books to deal with different early childhood topics. It seems like if I had homework, I would be "required" to stay in my adult self or focus on life through the adult self.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by Elio

Thank you for these suggestions, I almost think that a therapy book with "homework" might be better for me than a story book, even though I have been using story books to deal with different early childhood topics. It seems like if I had homework, I would be "required" to stay in my adult self or focus on life through the adult self.

The storybook is sort of special since my T nicknamed me for the character, the drawings are gorgeous, and it has a special inscription from my T.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

The storybook is sort of special since my T nicknamed me for the character, the drawings are gorgeous, and it has a special inscription from my T.

What came up last week around the storybooks, was that I could not find one that said that mommy thought about me when we were apart. I found lots of books about mommy coming back and mommy loving me no matter what (which I can't read without getting very mad), so I suggested that we write a book about being thought about while apart. Maybe we'll work on that. Neither of us are artistic so a big hmmm on illustrations.

[doogie]

You should check out the children's book "The Invisible String" by Patrice Karst. It's about a mother telling her 2 scared children that even when they are apart, their hearts are connected by an invisible string and one person can tug the string and the other feels it. Sweet book. About separation but still being connected to those you care about.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by doogie

You should check out the children's book "The Invisible String" by Patrice Karst. It's about a mother telling her 2 scared children that even when they are apart, their hearts are connected by an invisible string and one person can tug the string and the other feels it. Sweet book. About separation but still being connected to those you care about.

Yeah, I did. That one feels more about love still. Not about being thought about. The closest one I came across was "Dear Baby, I'm Watching Over You" by Carol Casey. I can't seem to find any pages that show parts of the story and the whole story didn't work; however some of the pages did work, such as when the dad was tying his shoes and remembering/thinking of his son doing the same action or the mother at meal time, eating with a picture of her child and wondering what the child was eating.

The bottom line, do I still exist for the other person when I am gone from their lives and if so how, where, when, what does it look like?

And yes, I am a parent and grand parent so I know the answers to these questions are ... of course, the little boy is not so sure.

Does that make sense?

Thanks for the suggestion, taking the time.

[doogie]

The bottom line, do I still exist for the other person when I am gone from their lives and if so how, where, when, what does it look like?

Yes!!! I SO get this! My T will often say to me 'I have you in my heart.' or 'I keep you in my heart.' but it never comforts me because it feels so vague. Exactly what you said - what does that look like??

Have you asked your T those questions? I admit, I have not. I do try to reassure myself of her continued 'love' and support by reminding myself that although I may get busy during the day and not actively think about my children, it doesn't mean that I love them or care for them any less. But yes, to the child inside....makes no difference.

If you do go for communication, my advice would to be very explicit in what you plan to send and when, and exactly what you want in a response. T and I fell into that trap of miscommunication recently, and it wasn't a lot of fun.

Originally Posted by Elio

For those of you that have had to deal with a vacation, what types of vacation topics did you cover or in hindsight would have to try to elevate separation anxiety and stresses?

Things I've seen and read about have been:
- transitional objects
- vacation time communications

For those that used these did either actually help? Did you bring them up or did T?

And yes, I know how *** (all kinds of judgment words) this sounds so please I don't need to hear about just growing up and dealing with it. I can do that, it is about trying to find a better way.

I totally get where you are coming from as I feel very attached to my T and when I see her next week (she gets back tomorrow) it will have been 9 weeks since I've seen her as she has been gone for 8 weeks .. in truth I've found it extremely difficult and told her I hated her at one point whilst she has been away .. I have had weekly contact with her though which has helped but my whole abandonment issues have been so bad with her gone, so sadly I don't have any helpful advise as I've not coped well. How long is your T going away for? I hope you are able to have contact with your T whilst away

[Elio]

Originally Posted by SS1971

I totally get where you are coming from as I feel very attached to my T and when I see her next week (she gets back tomorrow) it will have been 9 weeks since I've seen her as she has been gone for 8 weeks .. in truth I've found it extremely difficult and told her I hated her at one point whilst she has been away .. I have had weekly contact with her though which has helped but my whole abandonment issues have been so bad with her gone, so sadly I don't have any helpful advise as I've not coped well. How long is your T going away for? I hope you are able to have contact with your T whilst away

I have been following your story because I knew vacation time was going to be coming up and I didn't know how long she'd take. Also with her moving to private practice, I didn't know if there would be a break because of logistics and other things. She is only going to miss a week, so it will be 12 days between sessions verse usual 5. I am typically M and W. I know 12 days is nothing like 9 weeks and I am figuring there won't be any contact during her vacation. I have thought about asking her to snail mail me something right before she leaves so I get it while she is gone and to email me when she gets back so I know she is back - granted at this time I don't even know if she is leaving the area or if it is a staycation. That is another question I have, will she let me know roughly where she is going or what she is doing .. again roughly, not specifics.

And Dammit, I'm a fing adult - so many judgment statements and statements of invalidation going on in my head. It's ridiculous.

[anais_anais]

I am just sort of reading and taking all this in. My T went away for six weeks last summer with no contact and right in the first week my apartment building burnt down. He's doing it again this year. I think we're going to have to plan very carefully. I'm also approximately 600% more attached to him now than I was then.

He did tell me the string thing, or an equivalent, that we can meet together physically once a week but otherwise, I can "tune in" to him at any time to feel our connection, and he will be there. It's helped.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by anais_anais

I am just sort of reading and taking all this in. My T went away for six weeks last summer with no contact and right in the first week my apartment building burnt down. He's doing it again this year. I think we're going to have to plan very carefully. I'm also approximately 600% more attached to him now than I was then.

He did tell me the string thing, or an equivalent, that we can meet together physically once a week but otherwise, I can "tune in" to him at any time to feel our connection, and he will be there. It's helped.

What is this "tune in" thing/action/feeling? I didn't get the string thing from an emotional stand point so it didn't stick. Cognitively I get it, I don't feel it or don't understand the feeling.

[satsuma]

When my T has been away on holiday in the past, we planned a certain day and wrote it in the diary, when I would email him to tell him how I was doing, and he would reply. That helped me a lot because I could have some contact with T, and I knew when it would be, instead of emailing randomly and then waiting and waiting for him to reply and thinking that something could have happened.
Nowadays we don't need that plan any more really, but the last time T was away I checked if I could contact him "just in case" and he told me when he would look at his email for a just-in-case scenario. And in the end I did contact him! And that was fine.

[anais_anais]

Originally Posted by Elio

What is this "tune in" thing/action/feeling? I didn't get the string thing from an emotional stand point so it didn't stick. Cognitively I get it, I don't feel it or don't understand the feeling.

Warning, it's extremely woo-woo but my T and I are like that...

What he said precisely is that just like light, it's as if we have a particle form and a wave form. In particle form, we see each other once weekly in his office and that's a strict boundary. But in wave form, we can transcend time and space and I can get in touch with him whenever I want (like the pulling on a string from the book) and he will always be there. There are no boundaries or limits to it. He used the example of tuning into a radio station. He said to "see what he says!" but I think that was a half-joke.

[anais_anais]

When I do it, I get a warm, protected feeling and I'm reminded of all the work we've done. Whether I'm actually "getting in touch with him in wave form" or just using the imagery as a way to more solidly conjure up a reminder of our constancy is secondary to the comforting effect it has on me, I guess. I like wave form