Have you ever had trouble admitting to the "mess" you are?

Just looking for experiences or advice. It's okay if you don't have advice. I like to hear stories anyway!

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Today during therapy, I held back. My therapist and I did our normal "hi, how are you doing?" and "what's new this week?". Then we moved on to "are there any stressors going on that you want to talk about?" That's where I held back

We did talk about my two greatest stressors, which was fine. (These stressors are recurring, so we do a "check in" with each other at the beginning of the appointment.) We also addressed my concern for med withdrawal symptoms... which, if they do occur (and I think there is a strong chance they will), will be quite severe. (Had these withdrawal effects before when I went cold turkey off my meds... except this time I'm working with my pdoc to taper off, so we'll see.) But I didn't tell her about my recent unrestrained shopping spree, nor did I go into great detail about my desires to "get out there" in terms of dating and making friendships

I told her that I wasn't interested in making friends or dating anyone at this time. She asked why and I told her the truth: my mood is very unstable and my pdoc and I are making medication changes; thus, it's not a great time to "put myself out there" when I'm a mess. (And really, I think the last time I was "stable" was 17 or 18... which is a while considering I'm barely 26! And "coincidentally", the last time I had friends was 17/18. Hmmmm...)

I do want to make friends at some point, but I'm complacent right now given the circumstances. I try not to get too down on it cos it'll just destabilize me more. So I ignore it and deal with online friends. Fills the void. Suits my needs for now. I also have severe social anxiety that we've never really touched upon, which I think she might have guessed based on my history of mood instability (dating back to 13/14 years old). I had given her a lot of detail about that 4-5 weeks ago

Sometimes I don't want to admit to being the mess that I really am.

Definitely not. Sometimes I get tired of talking about it, and sometimes I'll throw a bombshell at her she's not expecting, but overall, I make it quite clear what a mess my life is. My therapist agrees...lol

I have a very hard time admitting what a mess I am, especially to T3. It has mostly to do with her being a woman and my issues around my mom. But yeah. I often go in with something I want to address, and sometimes it is not the messiest. It's sort of like I decide what I can stand being honest about. I often push myself to be more honest and transparent. But even with that, yes. I do sometimes not want to say that I am a mess.

I like looking all put together. I've been asked why I'm in therapy by a couple of therapists. Eventually you'll trust your therapist enough not to be put together in front of them. I usually start off with writing notes saying what I don't want to talk about. Is that something you can do?

No-It was the other way around for me. I had trouble seeing my strengths and successes; all the positive things I've done or accomplished despite my history. All the times I was the one who held things together, responded effectively in crises, the adult in the situation. (what happened to me???)

I don't think it's necessarily better to 'admit' stuff; to wallow in your faults. The fact you are verbalizing this indicates that you are not denying your issues. In other words, you sound more self-aware than you say you are.

This is my life. I'm trying to be more open and actually get some of the messiness out in the open but there is a fear that he will give up on me or realize how broken I am if I lay it all out there. He said he won't but my history makes me skeptical. Maybe I'll get there someday but right now he only gets maybe 80%.

Kashi doesn't think I'm really all that ill. He says I'm pretty put together which I disagreed with. Gotta wonder what he is comparing me to?

I try not to think of myself as the mess (that seems self-defeating or maybe self-fulfilling). But rather my life, temporarily.

And the nice thing about messes...they can always be cleaned up.

I'm very open and honest with my T, but I try to be strong and cope on my own. Sometimes I should reach out when I don't, or if I do, it should be sooner. But as far as topics/stressors, she always knows what's going on.

I try not to hide things but I just cannot seem yo be free enough with my T to let her see the darkness. I can't even go there myself most of the time, I cut myself off from it, push it away, so how would I go about sharing that with her?

I like to think I'm honest with people to an extent but I do notice that I usually build a wall around myself to avoid confronting the wrongs I have done enough to help handle the flaws in my character.

Sure, I'll address what is needed to address but I have a hard time admitting the full slate of the good, bad and ugly. At least admitting more than I need to. I think it's just hard to do sometimes but once you've accepted that opening up will cause some sort of discomfort and you'll have to go through those bad feelings, the storm will pass and you won't feel bad forever. But, at least in my experience, it's the scary part to walk a high bridge but the only way to really get to the other side.

It took me a long time to "come clean" with my T. Some of it was that I just didn't understand therapy.

I've been pretty open lately with my T and marriage counselor (and new-ish p-doc) during times when I'm especially a mess. I think I came to realize that if I wasn't open in the one place that is completely safe to share my messiness, then I wasn't helping myself. I'd walk away from a session annoyed with myself because I didn't talk about what was really wrong. Though often it's too hard for me to say it in person at first, so I'll send an e-mail to get those thoughts out. Is that an option for you?

Oh, definitely! That said, apparently there have been many times people could tell I was very unwell just by observing me.

I never outright lie to my pdoc but I downplay symptoms for some reason. He's said he's been very worried about me a few times. I think I don't want to worry him.

I just fired my T, but I was always honest with her when she was my T.

For me it's similar to what Skies said - I have generally seen myself as a mess and not a normal person. My T is always telling me I AM a normal person and "normalising" a lot of what I say.
On the other hand, I believed that everything in my childhood/my past was normal and I was having these problems for no reason or because I'm somehow defective. My T is clear that things that happened were not normal, and were difficult/messy for me.

This conversation reminds me of that page from Cat in the Hat:


I wonder who the T is in this situation. The cat? The fish? The mom?

The guy who stand in the corner and says, "Well, our time's almost up"?

I like to ne the first to acknowledge that I have issues and that these have issues too. I don't like "learning it" from someone else so I usually track my messiness and admit it asap....#pride

Anyway, OP, I hope you can find a way to talk to your T. Even if you have to use a Seuss book to start the conversation.

Hell, I might do that, if I ever go back.

Nice! I think the mother in the story may be how we are afraid our T will be? But hopefully not how they are in reality

Usually people around us, especially the relevants or the ones who we loved are the reason why our life is a mess.

Lol
We need to stop here