We/Us - internal family systems, fragmented personality?

I have a question... do people, the general non-therapy people, talk about themselves in we and us? Someone asked me once if I thought my personality was fragmented (not DID). I understand that we are all slightly different in different situations with different people, for example, I am one way with my grandson and a different with my department director. I am not sure about fragmented personalities - starting to wonder though.

Anyway, I sometimes refer to myself as a we or us when talking about myself or more specifically to myself. Such as... "it's ok, we're going to be ok". I don't always talk like that; however, it is frequent enough for me to notice. Also, I do find myself associating significantly different personality traits to different ages, genders.

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I do it for other things too, motivational... "we can do it" when trying to run longer or faster for training... I'll even go to "I know you want to stop, just a little bit more... just to this point, then we'll take a break"

"Can't they just leave us alone" when wanting some quietness.

"we're good by ourselves" "we don't need anyone else" "we get along with ourselves" "we like us"

These types of statements in my head are rarely I statements.

Let me know if this should be a thread.

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No, I wish I had your undeleted reply. Please share what your experience is because I'm not sure what is going on with my experience and I'm trying to understand it better.

https://www.amazon.com/Ego-States-He.../dp/0393702596

Recommended

So a bit more about what's going on inside me that led to this question...

I've been opening myself up to different internal "voices", letting them talk. In the process, I have found distinct portions/parts of myself.

The little boy/child (sometimes a boy, sometime genderless) - age roughly 4. He seems to hold joy, hope, love

The older boy - age roughly 10-12, definitely a boy, he is structured, rule based, distant, emotionally cold, doesn't want anything to do with anyone, precise, neat, ordered, perfectionist, Violent ideation come from this place.

The younger girl - age roughly 11-14, definitely a girl, romantic, critical, emotionally explosive/reactionary

Critical voice don't know where that comes from.

There is an I in there that is different than these.

So yeah, the internal family systems sounds like a good possibility. It is just odd that they hold significantly different traits, genders, emotions.

Another theory of this kind of stuff is schemas and maladaptive schemas

I basically have internal "me"s sort of frozen at various trauma stages. We all shapeshift into wolves in my internal world ( my totem animal--- I went through a stage as a traumatized kid whete i refused to accept myself as human and spoke only in growls, Howling and body language.. this related to my early spiritual teaching )....so depending on how scary things are, the younger me s may or may not be human at any given time. In extreme duress they will only howl and bite. I only address us as we if I am dealing with trauma, spirituality, or my sense of safety. My job, relationships, and adult life I consider MINE as in belonging solely to me as an adult.

It's strange, like did sort of but i don't dissociate. There is no struggle for control. The internal me s want to hide in my internal world not engage with the outside. They only want to engage with me or each other and are never intrusive . We discuss things late at night, in meditation, etc.

My T does say some level of integration may be a goal, but it depends on how things progress. The fragmentation to me actually enhances my well being as its like my own unbreakable internal family. If it is helpful then my T says integration may not be desirable..

These would be parts in IFS. I had 2.5 years of IFS therapy. Any kind of part goes in IFS (trait, gender, shape, object, creature...you name it!). I think using "we" statements can be commonplace with IFS work.

Thanks AllHeart, is there anything out there that you'd recommend that might help or is it just working through things with T.. the relationship and talking... and stuff?

My T has not given me a theory, modality, or anything in terms of labeling what we are doing or diagnosing me with anything. I know we are not doing CBT or DBT because we are not doing any of those skills building things or diary recordings. I know we are doing client lead. She does a large amount of support, empathetic listening, attunement stuff, emotionally holding, and such.

Sorry, a few things about subsequent posts made me feel too vulnerable and I didn't want my information out anymore. honestly don't remember exactly what I said. But to summarize, I do this, referring to self in my head as we, and I don't think it's normal (in my case) because it was a direct response to trauma-- to compartmentalize it and keep parts of myself protected from it in my daily functioning.

But you have good answers here too. Many Ts encourage this way of thinking (mine included) to try to access unmet needs and unprocessed feelings from childhood.

If you ever have any questions you can PM me.

I don't have DID but I certainly experience some kind of fragmentation. For me, there is no such thing as "we" (I generally don't have such a construct in my life at all). I have different states or parts that I know are me but feel strangers to each others. When I'm one of the parts then later I know I was but I don't feel like it would be me (heck, what feeling "me" really feels?). Also, when I look into the mirror then I factually know that this person there is me but I don't feel it. I often observe myself from outside and I'm wondering who is this person at all.

I have often have the feeling of mosaic where there are borders between different mosaic pieces that cannot be crossed and each piece is very different so that when I'm in one piece of that mosaic all other pieces feel nonfamiliar. I guess this cannot be spotted by other people from outside but this has been my internal feeling about myself.

I never use (not even in my head) plural in reference to myself as a person. When I talk or write like that, it is when I communicate with an audience that I know shares the issues that we are discussing (e.g. quite often in my addiction recovery circles) or when I feel that making generalizations is well-founded, but not as a reference to self. I never felt my ego or sense of self fragmented, I actually tried to apply psychological concepts that work in that way (there is one technique for addicts trying to quit their habit, for example) but they don't work for me. Just don't feel it and so don't find it useful personally. I do feel more mature in some aspects than in others, but that's pretty much about it, still experience all that as the same one person.

What I do experience quite vividly, especially when younger, are seemingly opposing motives and forces within. Many layers of duality. One version from my youth was more or less equally strong drives for intellectual/spiritual pursuits and more earthly, hedonistic desires. I no longer experience those as conflicting or divided but was a strong trend in my adolescence and young adulthood. Then another one is part of my consciousness viewing myself, my desires and actions in a detached, very analytical way, so that I can easily look at my personality and motives as if they were someone else's. This is of course handy in psychotherapy, and of course the more analytical perception and consciousness developed later in my life (but still quite early, I recall thinking like that as a young teen). Another one is a dual motive for wanting to be fiercely independent but also craving closeness and intimacy with select people. I do not feel that any of these are related to traumatic experiences for me, more just different motives and layers in the same person and self, not isolated from one-another but sometimes causing internal conflicts.

There might be some useful info on the IFS website for you, like this IFS video overview...

https://selfleadership.org/****-at-cap-cod.html

I haven't perused the website for a long while but as I recall, I did find some good info to help me deal with my parts. Sorry I'm not of more help.

ETA: So the blocked out asterisks should be: d ick (no space).