terminating psychotherapy

i've seen my psychotherapist for four years, weekly or twice weekly, ever since i was taken away from my parents by social services.

my psychotherapy is ending next tuesday. it has to happen, and i'll hopefully use another counselling service, but i'm terrified about losing what has been one of my biggest sources of support.

i'm terrified about losing the relationship with my psychotherapist - a relationship which i can truthfully say has been one of the most meaningful in my life. she's been like a mother figure to me when i've never had one.

i really really really need some support and suggestions here. how do i cope with this? what can i do to make it hit me less hard and stay stable?



any advice would really be appreciated...xxxx

Oh my goodness, this is monumental. I am so sorry. Do you feel comfortable saying anything more? Is there a reason you must end? Is this sudden -- did you know this was going to happen?

It's good that you've posted and asked for support during this very difficult transition. Obviously, a plan to continue with another therapist in the future seems very wise.

This will be a painful loss and you will grieve just as you would any loss of a significant relationship, and you'll have to allow yourself to do that. Are you talking to your therapist about this ending? Is she giving you suggestions, ways of coping, etc.?

Perhaps she could give you something of hers to take with you. You could ask her to write you a letter about significant moments in your therapy. Or, is there a small item in her office she might be willing to give you as a transition object? Sometimes these symbolic things can help ease the pain. Well, only a little of course. It's just one small suggestion. I don't mean to minimize all that you're going through.

I hope you keep writing and reaching out for support. I'm so, so sorry for the reason you had to enter therapy in the first place and for the loss of this special relationship.

That's so hard. I made "bridge" situations in my life to tide me over; joined a women's group, planned a major vacation and house move. Think up some activities related to equally "big" things in your future life like career, living space, higher education, etc. that you can work on and move forward as if it were a "game" or puzzle and you were just working with a different piece or on a different area of the gameboard for a while.

Caramee and Perna, thank you for your support. It makes me feel very validated. I think one of the (lesser) things I'm apprehensive about is that people around me won't understand how significant this relationship with my therapist has been or why losing her will hit me so hard.

The reason why I have to end is complicated. After a year and a half of therapy, I started university in a different city. I commuted weekly or twice weekly back 'home' to see her. That was fine, until during my second year of university I became chronically ill with M.E./CFS. I've spent the last year and a half back in my home city. I've been quite disabled at times because of my illness, but because I've been geographically close to my therapist I've been able to keep seeing her. Now I'm somewhat better, I'm going back to uni as a disabled student. But I'm not well or able enough to commute this year, so I have to stop seeing her.

She's said I can come back for a few sessions during my next vacation if I feel I need it, but that it's not a good idea to prolong ending in that way. I did know that if I chose to return to university this year I'd have to terminate therapy with her. It was a difficult choice - I'm not entirely ready to go back to university health-wise - but neither do I want another year out, isolated from people my own age.

I am talking to my therapist about this ending. We're mostly talking about my feelings, of sadness, disbelief, anger, confusion. I've told her I'm going to try and set up some coping strategies like writing in my journal, taking some time out for myself, and seeing a university counsellor until I can find some more long-term therapy. She hasn't suggested any ways of coping though, she's very much a mirror/reflective figure. It's just ones that I've come up with. But then I suppose I haven't asked her...

I could ask her to write a letter, or ask her for a small item. I just have this feeling she'll say it's not a good idea ... she feels that generally I struggle with verbal communication and accepting the transitory imperfect nature of relationships. Would she think I was trying to avoid that by asking for an object?

I like the idea of working on a 'different piece'. I guess by returning to university that is what I'm doing. That's a positive way of looking at it, thank you. What did you do with the time that you'd spend nornally with your therapist? Because I know that each Tuesday afternoon, when I used to see her, will be hard ...

Also, another thing that I really wanted to share or ask for advice about ... When I got ill, I was in a nine month relationship with a really good guy. I broke it off shortly after getting ill (my decision not his), I was completely non-functioning, in bed all day, occasionally in a wheelchair. After about a year apart, I recovered enough, and, two months ago we got back together. But we did it on the agreement that we'd go on a break as both of us started our academic years again. One of my big reasons for wanting the break was the fact I was ending psychotherapy. I have been really worried that I'd end up transferring my dependence onto him if I was in a relationship. So currently we're only talking on a really basic level to avoid that.

But I'm finding as the ending approaches, I'm feeling more and more unstable and in need of any support I can get. I'm not sure if I should say anything to him, ask for a bit more support or not. Or is this not what I was trying to prevent myself from doing in the first place?

Thanks again for your support
xxxx

daybydayone, one thought/story you might want to keep in the back of your mind, what would have helped me at your age; I saw my T from 1978-1987 and had to terminate because I was moving and my job was moving further away, etc. It was hard/horrible and it took me 3-4 years to get off my "surface" and back down into my depths where "I" live :-) I felt like I'd been locked out by my subconscious or something. I was fine, did well in relationships, had a good time with my boyfriend/husband-to-be and otherwise "appeared" well but I had moved from my apartment of 13 years, left all my friends from that area, terminated therapy, changed jobs -- you couldn't have fit more serious changes into my life! :-) I coped by skating along the top and not "analyzing" my life like I was accustomed.

But the part of the story you'll want to remember is, I came to a place where I badly needed therapy again, where I was in serious psychological trouble and at a loss what to do. I spent a couple days crying and in lots of pain, wishing for my old therapist -- it took me that long to realize I could call her and see her again! It was 1996 and nine years since I'd seen her before (and a lifetime of experiences; I was happily married, in very different circumstances jobwise, etc.) and I had been feeling like termination was her dying/disappearing off the face of the earth. LOL. You can get through school and get "established" and then maybe see this T again if you want! That's the #1 thing in my entire life (I'm 57) that I'd have liked to know -- that I could/would see my T again and all would be well! The #2 thing is that my major life mistake from 1971 (when I was in college, I graduated in 1972) would be "fixed" in 2007. Don't ever give up on your "future", wonderful things can happen and you can't know when/how/where, etc. Try to look at life like an "adventure" and go "with" it.

As to the boyfriend, can you reopen the discussion and see how he's feeling "now" and what his thoughts are? Maybe make a plan to see him over Thanksgiving vacation or Christmas, etc.? Don't forget you'll make new friends/acquaintances at Uni. And there will be lots of new experiences to distract/help you get through. It might be hard/painful but it's doable. Keep coming here, for starters, over time it will feel like you're part of a group and you'll get to know people here (like me :-) and that will do a lot of good too.

Any sort of groups for ME/CFS you can join near/at school? Any people you can write real letters to/from while at school? My stepson was away for nearly a year recently and I sent him a postcard a day and had a blast finding that many postcards that I thought he'd enjoy and thinking of little things to say to him on each one. It was like having a different sort of journal and helped me in lots of different ways (to pay attention and look for/see things each day of enough interest to report). It was kind of a nice habit to have. You have a grandmother or aunt or friends at other schools, etc. you could write often? I still have a couple letters my girlfriends from high school wrote me while we were in different colleges (and still have those girlfriends :-)

For awhile after I terminated with my T the first time I still ocassionally wrote her letters. She didn't acknowledge/reply, of course, but since it was her business address and she could do whatever she wanted with the mail, I didn't see it as an imposition to her and it was helpful to me (which should be your #1 priority, what helps YOU get better!). I could picture her reading it and I guess it is a little like writers of books picture their audiences. "Knowing" her as I did, I was pretty sure she did read the letters and "enjoyed" receiving them. I sent her a wedding picture when I got married :-) I had just met/started dating my husband a year or so before we terminated.

Daybydayone, As others have said, we hope you continue posting here.