[confused4ever]

Sitting here alone,
always feel alone these days,
the hurt keeps hurting,
but nothing seems to work,

I felt better once
seems it was so long ago
the days run into weeks,
the weeks into months,

I want the pain to stop,
doesn't matter how,
just let me lie down and,
feel it slip away,

I had a connection,
it is now gone,
I could talk about things,
that have never been out before,
now I have this deep pain,
but you say the worse is over,
if it is, someone forgot to tell me that
because now it feels like,
nothing i have ever felt before,

I have been abandoned so many times
one more should not matter,
yet, this feels different
like the one who believed and had
faith in me has turned and walked away.

But I am supposed to feel better,
strong where I am broken,
how come nobody told me
it would feel this bad
even when the secret was out,

Maybe they forgot,
the little girl inside is still there
she is afraid to come out
for she will feel again

The past is the past,
but it feels like the present
I don't know how to make it stop
without hurting myself to know
I am still alive, even know I
feel so dead inside!

I'm so sorry you are hurting.... but I think you express yourself really well through poetry-- do you share it with your T? Your poem was sad. Sad for you, sad for the little girl inside. Take care of yourself.

[confused4ever]

I have never written a poem before.....first time........feeling the way I wrote it........I don't know if I will email it to him or not......I really just want to stop hurting so much right now!

[confused4ever]

I just want the world to go away right now......

[confused4ever]

I see my T tomorrow, I made an appt with him, I need to understand what is happening with me. My emotions are all in a jumble, he called me on Tuesday morning and we talked on the phone for awhile, he thinks that my emotions are all stirred up from my issues with abandonment, and mom's anniversary date of her death is around the corner. I sent him the poem I wrote, and he responded that he is NOT abandoning me. I am really nervous about tomorrows appt, knots in my stomach. I need to get out everything that is bothering me, including the fact that he is insisting the hardest part of this is over for me, my disclosure, yet my emotions are what is sending me back big time, and I know it is everything stirred up with working on my inner child. He says that disclosing is the hardest part, I don't feel that way, right now feels like the hardest part with all the emotions surfacing.

[Perna]

Hopes tomorrow's appointment helps! It is very hard being buffeted by so many emotions going on at once. Reminds me of when I was little and use to get knocked over by a wave at the ocean and tumbled about until an adult would pick me up and put me on my feet, right-side up :-)

(((((((confused)))))))))

[confused4ever]

Ok, I am heading to my T session, and I am a wreck.......everything I wanted to say has dissappered in the void upstairs.........I hate feeling like this........I am so nervous about seeing him, sessions aren't supposed to feel like this.........nervous yes, about what we would get into, but nervous because I am not certain on what is going to take place........and will I be able to get out my frustration about our sessions and lack of understanding between the two of us!!!!

[purplemoon]

I hope your session went well. Hope that T was able to soothe and comfort you. Your poem was beautiful. I am glad that you sent it to T.

[confused4ever]

So my session:

Actually was a good one, we talked about my abandonment issue, his reassurance that he is not leaving me, and that he has no plans on leaving me, he hopes to see me for a long time in the future, not necessarily as his client, but as someone that maybe helps others that are dealing with what I am dealing with right now. Says my abandonment issues come from being told always that if I let the secret out, or tell anyone then everyone will be taken away from me, and or I will be taken away from the family. Something that was said to me so often that I believe it, and still do. After I disclosed my husband and I went through a rough time, and he left for a few months, nothign to do with disclosure but the timing brought about all those feelings of abandonment, and then T's responsiveness lately only increased my feelings.

His frustration lately was due to my struggling, he felt that I was struggling so bad and suffering that his work was only making things more difficult for me. He felt like he was hitting a brick wall with me, and once he felt I was stable enough he needed to step back and access his own feelings on this case. He is upset that one of the perpetrators is still walking around living a normal life and not feeling the pain that he is causing me, and feels frustrated that he is not suffering as I am. One of my abusers still comes around and still bullies and makes me feel like that little girl again. I can't seem to stop him, I always go back to my old ways when he comes around, he has been told so many times to stay away, yet he continues to show up. This makes my T so upset, and he knows it has to be me to stand up to him eventually and take him down.......just wish it was sooner then later!!

The next part of the session, we talked about my issue with him telling me the hardest part is over, once I disclosed. That was the hardest part and it was all easy or relatively easy from that point on. So I told him that if the hardest part was the disclosure, how come I feel so crappy all the time. Asked him if it was in my head, and I was making things harder then they are, although that is not what I feel is happening I told him. The emotions and feelings are all over the board, and I don't have the slightest idea what to do with them. So he asked what my feelings are, CRAPPY....... he asked me to define crappy......so I told him, guilt, sadness, hoplessness, angry, shame, so he said that he was sorry that he led me to believe that the worse part is over, from what he has learned and experienced it will take years to figure out and process all these emotions that surround csa victims. Something we have plenty of time to work on.......so yes it isn't all in my head.....I thought I was really turning into a freak.......

On the lighter side of the session, I went in with a paper clip in my hand, I do better when I have something to hold and focus on, I end up taking it apart and twirling it, or what ever, but I talk better, and listen better, I don't dissassociate so much, when my hands are busy, so we were pretty intense on the talking about abandonment issue, when the paper clip flung out of my hands and sailed across the room.......he kind of looked and said nice shot!! But I didn't realize that after that my hands were idle and I started to zone, wasn't talking, he got down on his hands and knees and started looking for my paper clip.......lol.......I asked him what he was doing, he said you need that paper clip, your not talking now, you need that in your hand to stay connected to the session......so I learned something about me today also, that I need something in my hands to focus and stay in the here and now, and not to disassociate during a session......interesting!!

(((((((((((confused)))))))))))

I hear you, very similar to me, rejection, abandonment all trigger me very badly. I have a little girl inside waiting to be set free, you have my love and care, i'll hold you up through this, pm me any time, love, Jinny/Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxo

[confused4ever]

Thanks Jinny, I so appreciate your comments, not that I would want anyone to feel as I do, but it helps to know that we are not alone. You can also feel free to pm me anytime also. ((((hugs to you))))

[MissCharlotte]

((Confused))

Thank you for sharing your poem. I write a lot of poetry and I find that it really helps me to release those feelings I have inside. I loved it and I am sorry for your feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

I too thought that healing meant the pain would go away. But now I realize that the pain may lessen in tme, but it is part of us. Keep sharing with T so you can ease the pain.

Take gentle care.

[lauren_helene]

Wow what a poem Confused. Part of that explains what I am feeling too. I am trying to write one myself about attachment.

I struggle with identifying my emotions into words...you just gave me a jump start.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm glad you were able to email it to him...

[confused4ever]

Thanks everyone!

That was my very first attempt at poetry, and I found it to be very beneficial and easier to do then jornaling. I wrote another one about one of my abusers, but not sure I am ready to share that with anyone, maybe someday. I have been writing about my abandonment issues and rejection and haveing a very hard time getting my thoughts down on this. It is so painful to write about. I know that I need to reassure my little girl(Mickey) that I am not going to leave her, but finding it hard to go there right now!!

[sunrise]

confused, I'm glad you got reassured by your T on the abandonment issue.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
he hopes to see me for a long time in the future, not necessarily as his client, but as someone that maybe helps others that are dealing with what I am dealing with right now

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
This sounds interesting. Does it mean you would work professionally with him? Kind of like a peer counselor?

Your experience with the paper clip--fascinating!

[confused4ever]

Yes, kind of like a peer counselor, he has been talking about me getting more involved with helping people, asked if I was interested in maybe volunteering at the womans shelter and so on! I am not ready for that, can't see myself helping right now anyway. He says that it is not uncommon for people to stick around and help others once they have turned the corner in healing. He runs a cancer support group and he says he has people that have been in it for years, first for support themselves then as peer conselors once they are in remission.

Yeah, the paper clip thingy is interesting, next appt I plan on bringing a few with me, I want to see if it is actually true, keeping my hands busy focuses me enough to stay in the room with him and lets me get out my feelings alittle easier.