Couch 144: The contact-miked cactus couch

Demunie · Jun 19, 2017 at 03:15 AM

Glad it went well BCM.

BF is mad at me. He told me yesterday to "just be more self confident, just be more open and happy". Told him that it ain't that easy. After some further accusations ("you don't care at all", "you're doing this to hurt me", "you don't trust me", "and I'm supposed to believe that...") he stopped talking with me at all. Yay. Screw relationships. I'm gonna take Ts advice (he was joking) and go to a friary somewhere in Tibet on a 4000m mountain.

Jun 19, 2017 at 04:31 AM

Hugs, Demunie. Your BF really sounds unsupportive.

It's definitely not easy to "just" XYZ.

Ellahmae · Jun 19, 2017 at 08:54 AM

I'm glad you did. I have learned over time that 'thanking them' is actually the best way to work with them. They came to protect and if we can see them in that light and thank them for what they do and have done, they usually become more cooperative. It takes a lot of work, but pays off in the long run.

I have those same feelings of falling off of/out off seated positions. I don't understand it - but it's very unnerving.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlessedCheeseMaker

I thought I would give the blanket thing a go. When I went in I told T I brought the blanket and with some prompting I wrapped it around me. My t asked me about the blanket was it something I bought or had I had a long time. It was one of my Ds. I wrapped it around me it felt odd as I have never wrapped myself in a blanket before. He asked what I wanted to talk about and after some prompting I produced the letter and he asked about the ways I punish myself and told him then we talked about how afraid I was of the "part"as he calls them that makes me do this. Then said something about him thanking the part which sounded just crazy but I felt part getting less angry and smaller. I was so stunned. I was less spacey and more present. I found the blanket seemed to contain me as I usually feel like I am spilling out of the chair. I don't know what to make of all this.

So I give you my tea cake I ran out of cinnamon so it's just sugar on top

Ellahmae · Jun 19, 2017 at 08:59 AM

I think I'm ready to go down to twice a week for awhile.... This is a good thing but I know I won't be able to have the days I want so that'll suck, but tis life. I just feel like I'm ready for longer in between session times. I know she'll be there if I need an emergency appt in the middle of the week, but I think I'm ready to drop a day. I never thought I would be saying this....

captgut · Jun 19, 2017 at 09:21 AM

I had my first eye surgery today. It was painful, but now I'm fine.

I'm tired and I hate my health. I'm young, but my body doesn't think so

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 19, 2017 at 09:49 AM

Little bit of cuteness for you, capt...and anyone else who might need it.

junkDNA · Jun 19, 2017 at 12:17 PM

Paid all my past due bills and still have money left over to live on

Thanks random old lady that hit my car!!! You saved me

Ellahmae · Jun 19, 2017 at 12:31 PM

MRI in an hour. Pocket Riders?

TDM says I will be okay, and they don't want to hurt me. They only have a desire to help. I keep repeating that I'll be okay. They don't care about shaved legs, right? Because I haven't shaved in a week. Why is this such a big deal in the US anyway? Blah, I don't want to go.

atisketatasket · Jun 19, 2017 at 12:42 PM

Pretty sure technicians have seen lots worse than unshaven legs.

I'll be in your pocket.

lucozader · Jun 19, 2017 at 12:44 PM

Yes, you will be okay, Ellahmae.

Keep your eyes closed and picture your favourite place.

They definitely won't care how hairy your legs are!

lucozader · Jun 19, 2017 at 01:28 PM

Guys, I don't know what I'm feeling about that session. What am I feeling?

lucozader · Jun 19, 2017 at 01:38 PM

- Relief
- Anxiety
- Anger (still)
- A deep, very physical longing (again)
- A kind of... flirtatious... mischievousness?

Except I'm not feeling them in any distinct way. It's like they're all rolled up into a ball of weirdness.

Stupid feelings.

Demunie · Jun 19, 2017 at 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

- Relief
- Anxiety
- Anger (still)
- A deep, very physical longing (again)
- A kind of... flirtatious... mischievousness?

Except I'm not feeling them in any distinct way. It's like they're all rolled up into a ball of weirdness.

Stupid feelings.

Relieved that you don't have to fire him - and at the same time angry for the same reason because keeping him means that he can still hurt you?

Demunie · Jun 19, 2017 at 01:50 PM

I'm in your pocket ellahme

It'll be fine

lucozader · Jun 19, 2017 at 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Relieved that you don't have to fire him - and at the same time angry for the same reason because keeping him means that he can still hurt you?

Hmmm. Yes, maybe.

In fact - yes, definitely.

...and angry because he didn't perfectly say all the things that I wanted to say. Which all the more infuriatingly is something that he did say. That no-one is good enough for me. But maybe he isn't good enough for me.

I don't know.

It's like I still kind of hate him but also I want him with every fibre of my being.

Demunie · Jun 19, 2017 at 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

Hmmm. Yes, maybe.

In fact - yes, definitely.

...and angry because he didn't perfectly say all the things that I wanted to say. Which all the more infuriatingly is something that he did say. That no-one is good enough for me. But maybe he isn't good enough for me.

I don't know.

It's like I still kind of hate him but also I want him with every fibre of my being.

Well... what would be a good enough T for you? (Uhh... that isn't meant as mean as it sounds!)

lucozader · Jun 19, 2017 at 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

Well... what would be a good enough T for you? (Uhh... that isn't meant as mean as it sounds!)

I don't know.

It's hard to imagine any other T because I love him so fiercely.

Maybe he's fine how he is.

Maybe I'm fine with him being a total dickhead sometimes.

Ugh! What am I feeling?!

Argonautomobile · Jun 19, 2017 at 02:07 PM

((Luc))

Sometimes feelings take a while to settle.

Demunie · Jun 19, 2017 at 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

I don't know.

It's hard to imagine any other T because I love him so fiercely.

Maybe he's fine how he is.

Maybe I'm fine with him being a total dickhead sometimes.

Ugh! What am I feeling?!

Who isn't a dickhead at times?

I guess you'll have to be patient and figure out if you're ok with his weaknesses over time...

Hm. You could try to draw your feeling, if you like drawing!

lucozader · Jun 19, 2017 at 02:13 PM

Thanks Argo

Yeah. I think this is going to be one of those ones where I'm lying in bed at 3am on Friday morning and suddenly I get slapped in the face with remembering something that was said and a bunch of feelings and insights follow along.

I feel okay, anyway, really. This could be worse.

I was worried it would be worse.

ETA: and thanks Munie! I'm not usually a fan of drawing... I find it frustrating because I can never seem to express myself as well as I would like to. I might try it though...

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Couch 144: The contact-miked cactus couch

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Anonymous45127 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 19, 2017 at 04:31 AM #42 Hugs, Demunie. Your BF really sounds unsupportive. It's definitely not easy to "just" XYZ.

captgut Grand Poohbah Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Here Posts: 1,731 7 1,505 hugs given	Jun 19, 2017 at 09:21 AM #45 I had my first eye surgery today. It was painful, but now I'm fine. I'm tired and I hate my health. I'm young, but my body doesn't think so

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,304 (SuperPoster!) 12 8,152 hugs given	Jun 19, 2017 at 12:17 PM #47 Paid all my past due bills and still have money left over to live on Thanks random old lady that hit my car!!! You saved me __________________

atisketatasket Child of a lesser god Member Since Jun 2015 Location: Tartarus Posts: 19,284 (SuperPoster!) 9 12.4k hugs given	Jun 19, 2017 at 12:42 PM #49 Pretty sure technicians have seen lots worse than unshaven legs. I'll be in your pocket.

lucozader Most Dangerous Member Since Feb 2017 Location: UK Posts: 2,920 7 7,642 hugs given	Jun 19, 2017 at 12:44 PM #50 Yes, you will be okay, Ellahmae. Keep your eyes closed and picture your favourite place. They definitely won't care how hairy your legs are!

lucozader Most Dangerous Member Since Feb 2017 Location: UK Posts: 2,920 7 7,642 hugs given	Jun 19, 2017 at 01:28 PM #51 Guys, I don't know what I'm feeling about that session. What am I feeling?

lucozader Most Dangerous Member Since Feb 2017 Location: UK Posts: 2,920 7 7,642 hugs given	Jun 19, 2017 at 01:38 PM #52 - Relief - Anxiety - Anger (still) - A deep, very physical longing (again) - A kind of... flirtatious... mischievousness? Except I'm not feeling them in any distinct way. It's like they're all rolled up into a ball of weirdness. Stupid feelings.

Demunie Grand Poohbah Member Since Mar 2016 Location: Somewhere Posts: 1,706 8 540 hugs given	Jun 19, 2017 at 01:50 PM #54 I'm in your pocket ellahme It'll be fine __________________ I do not wanna be afraid I do not wanna die inside just to breathe in I'm tired of feeling so numb

Argonautomobile Magnate Member Since Sep 2015 Location: usa Posts: 2,422 9 2,009 hugs given	Jun 19, 2017 at 02:07 PM #58 ((Luc)) Sometimes feelings take a while to settle. __________________ "Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of their marvels." - Francisco de Goya