[nottrustin]

The last couple of weeks T called me a victim in regards to my childhood abuse. For whatever reason it really bothers me and I have been struggling with it since . I will bring it up at my next appoimtment but wanted to get other opinions. Does anybody hate being called a victim? Does T use another term?

[Blaire]

I feel like victim has a negative association. It feels like it suggests that you haven't tried to overcome your trauma. I've always felt pathetic when people have called me that, so I'm with you.

[Out There]

I wouldn't feel comfortable with that term either - there's always another way to phrase something like " I've been on the receiving end of this " etc.

[nottrustin]

Whenever T says I am the victim of my abuser I feel weak and will forever will be..I will always be his victim even it stopped over 20 years ago.

[Out There]

I can feel your pain - it's palpable and I know it so well. Are you progressing at all with attempts at EMDR ?

[Ididitmyway]

The word "victim" doesn't bother me. To me it simply means that the person has been victimized by somebody and that it happened at some point in the past. It doesn't mean to me that the person is powerless, weak and helpless now. It also doesn't mean that they have ever had a weak character. So, no, this is not a humiliating term to me. Words often mean different things to different people depending on how they choose to interpret them.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Out There

I can feel your pain - it's palpable and I know it so well. Are you progressing at all with attempts at EMDR ?

I really don't know about Emdr. I want it to work. Right now there are many changes at my work. The person who seems like the perfect fit doesn't work schedule wise. One of my coworkers thinks I should make it work with EMDR t
Whenever T and I get into discussions regardimg my abuse she always asks If I reached out to potential EMDR t.....I am scared of telling my story to.somebody else and having it not working

[Argonautomobile]

I don't care much for any identifier that defines me in relation to that - victim, survivor, whatever.

My T uses something wordy and vague, as in "It's common for people who have experienced difficult events to blah blah blah." This is preferable to me.

[Out There]

EMDR is not so much talking - I never thought I'd be where I am now through a combination of talk therapy and EMDR. For serious trauma it's extremely helpful - trauma is so difficult to shift. I hope you will have a go at it.

I don't like being called a victim though intellectually I feel it's a neutral word, just turned negative by a lot of self help implying that victims are "wallowing" etc.

I found this book useful a year ago, your mileage may vary:

Trauma and the Avoidant Client: Attachment-Based Strategies for Healing by Robert T Miller

[nottrustin]

Thank you quiet...interesting article. It pretty much described how I feel.

I don't mind being called a victim. For me it means that it wasn't my fault and that it was wrong what they did.

[Erebos]

In terms of the abuse i have suffered always refer to myself as survivor. Not a victim , so does my pdoc.

[nottrustin]

I don't know how I want her to phrase it. I haven't figured it out. I think what made it hard was that she said it multiple times in the session. She seemed like she was trying to make a point..but it backfired

[nottrustin]

Update. I had an appointment today with T. She knew I had a really difficult time last week. I told her how much I hate being called a victim. She was very understanding and asked my thoughts on being called a surviver which I told her I am uncomfortable with as well but not as intently. We are not sure what if any term will us instead. She said if she unintentionally says it in the future stop her and tell her. We discussed how I am very sensitive to words used. This isn't the first time I have been triggered by a common phrase. She wants me to tell her when it happens as she will say things and mean one thing but I may interpret it diffefently.

I don't like the word victim OR survivor. But if there was a perpetrator, abuser, etc., there has to be a victim on the other end, right? If you work in forensics, there is always reference to the 'victim'; that's just a technicality. I suppose survivor is used too, but it seems similar to using plaintiff and defendant.

This thread was interesting to me as we don't even use those words in therapy. My thoughts are that it is objectifying in a sense. I'm a mother, a woman, daughter, etc. But victim or survivor sort of removes my personhood from my identity. Which also touches on dissociation and PTSD issues.

[Rpmblank]

Therapist never called me a victim but if he did, I don't think I'd like it. Survivor might be a little better but I'm not into that either so much. We are all survivors of life. Victim has a negative connotation to it but I would not look down on someone who was described that way. It's just not for me.

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Update. I had an appointment today with T. She knew I had a really difficult time last week. I told her how much I hate being called a victim. She was very understanding and asked my thoughts on being called a surviver which I told her I am uncomfortable with as well but not as intently. We are not sure what if any term will us instead. She said if she unintentionally says it in the future stop her and tell her. We discussed how I am very sensitive to words used. This isn't the first time I have been triggered by a common phrase. She wants me to tell her when it happens as she will say things and mean one thing but I may interpret it diffefently.

I'm glad your T is willing to clarify her meaning. T and I had a huge rupture over my perception of what she meant by "victim" (vs "survivor", but I don't like both terms) once.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Blanche_

I don't like the word victim OR survivor. But if there was a perpetrator, abuser, etc., there has to be a victim on the other end, right? If you work in forensics, there is always reference to the 'victim'; that's just a technicality. I suppose survivor is used too, but it seems similar to using plaintiff and defendant.

This thread was interesting to me as we don't even use those words in therapy. My thoughts are that it is objectifying in a sense. I'm a mother, a woman, daughter, etc. But victim or survivor sort of removes my personhood from my identity. Which also touches on dissociation and PTSD issues.

The thing is I have no problem with those words being used about themselves. It has been years since my abuse stopped. I feel like by being called a victim continues to identify me as a victim. T and I discussed the roles I do identify with: wife, mom, coworker, etc. MY reaction to survivor is less intense. Still not fond of It. To be a survivor means I have to identify with being a victim. Plus to me, all of the roles I identify with are becauae of my hard work. I work hard to be the mother and wife I am. Overcoming my past just required my mind to block out everything. Unless somebody takes their own life, they succeed.

[itjustis]

I like to say I'm a survivor. I feel that I'm strong when I put it like that.

Perhaps "victim" reminds us that someone once had power over us.

...which can be a struggle because although technically they don't have power over us any longer, the lasting effects can and often do impact our lives (ie PTSD). Moving forward, ideally, what they did would no longer effect us; but in real life, it does. Maybe that's what the ideal of empowerment looks like. How to get there, I don't know.