The Couch 145 : I Stubbed My Toe On the Sofa.... COUCH!

Hugs @@. You are a good person BCM.

A lot of Loving Kindness meditations do not work for me, sigh. They presume I love myself, and the tracks often urge me to extend loving kindness towards "difficult" people who've "caused pain". I usually immediately think of my parents and that elicts a very deep pain. :/

Meeting my boss in half an hour to review the business statistics I'm supposed to do up nicely with charts in PowerPoint. I believe I'm stupid. I don't understand what he wants on the charts. I need him to literally tell me what type of chart (bar, stacked bar etc), what each axis should be etc etc...

I love how people only want to talk to you when they need something from you. I'm getting tired really quickly of my mother in law. She's been contacting H and me quite a bit considering a couple of months ago she wanted nothing to do with H.

Not a great way to wake up. Morning, couch.

Three and a half hours or so to session. Twitchy isn't the word. Speaking the 'unspeakable' is the order of the day, but I'm not sure I'll be able to get there.

I have faith that you will, Lost. Would you like some pocket riders for encouragement?

Pocket riders would be nice, thank you.

*hops in*

Consider me in your pocket!

Hugs and pocket riding lost. I see my t today too and I'm very nervous.

What about seeing T drunk?

im so darn miserable. i have T today and i know it wont go well at all.i cant help it . i have some time to do some good work but i cant , i am terrified. i cant let it go .im going to piss away another chance to work with someone good .

I wouldn't recommend it.

Hugs. Please try to go.

Pocket riding for Lost, Butterfly Granite, try to see your T <3

Thank you!

Have you tried Paul Gilbert's or Chris Germer's meditations? Paul Gilbert in particular assumes nothing - he sounds really kind. I have trouble with a lot of guided meditations, but ones those guys do I actually like.

Wow. I am glad you were not seriously injured. You are lucky

im going to go to therapy but know im going to waste my time being upset and talk about nothing

Atat I'm glad you weren't hurt worse that must have been scary!

I'm still kinda reeling about t. Last night I dreamed I was walking around in the aftermath of an explosion trying to find t but I couldn't find her. I awoke feeling abysmal w tears in my eyes. I still don't understand what happened yesterday. Maybe I should cut my losses and just walk away. My heart feels shredded.

Oh well. Just another therapy casualty. What did I expect. Time to get ready for work.

P.s. but! I am stubborn enough to hold onto all the gains I made in therapy. I will not let anyone or anything take that away from me. This was probably the only way it could end w her. Sigh.

Art? You're not stupid for grieving a relationship that was so important for you for so long
Anger is part of the process. I'm sorry your T doesn't seem to be able to handle this better (she should), but you're definitely not stupid. I'm always impressed by how self aware you are and how you're trying to figure things out

thanks demunie.

weird how that double quoted.

M and L have ganged up the past few weeks trying to convince me to paint again (I haven't picked up a brush since high school and have a lot of baggage about my art training) and it looks like yesterday was the final straw.

At M's yesterday we didn't talk about trauma or my upbringing or my week at all, just PAINTING. And afterward I drove straight to the art supply store like I was hypnotized and picked up a block of paper and two sets of paints and a few basic brushes and a pallette knife and spent the rest of the day painting on my kitchen floor without even a second thought. Wow. I don't like what I painted and I couldn't care less.

Purposefully picked paints that I don't really know how to use... acrylic and gouache... I don't want any former association. I almost always worked in oils before.