Therapy session went awry...parted ways with therapist

I am a 30ish gay woman, who recently came out this year.

I still struggle w/internalized homophobia and the guilt and shame surrounding my sexuality and have been going to therapy for that and anxiety/panic attacks.

I also have attachment issues; I vacillate between fearful avoidant and preoccupied anxious (the latter occurring only when I've allowed a deep connection/emotional tie to be established, something I fight off).

I've been seeing my female therapist for over a year now. It's taken a lot for me to stay with her for that long and she's the only therapist, out of the few I've seen over the past 20 years, who has stuck for me. A little over a month ago, something happened...I went to a strip club and rec'd a lap dance from a woman who slightly resembled her. My therapist is a few years younger and very pretty, but I had never really felt an attraction to her. At the end of the night, the gal who danced for me exited the club in plain clothes and I became deeply upset when I saw just how much this dancer and my therapist really did resemble each other.

Long story short, I freaked out, wondered what this meant, considered leaving therapy and then discovered that I couldn't quite run away from this like I normally do. I stumbled upon the fact that I am slightly attached and have an emotional tie to my therapist. Not good for someone like me who avoids attachment of any sort (for the most part). For the better part of a month, she and I have had to talk about this. Each session is painful and staying, rather than running, flies in the face of my nature.
I've found myself hoping that she'll mess up, say the wrong thing and then I can exit therapy, allowing me to avoid blame that I ran away like I usually do.

Yesterday, we had an argument. While I joke around that I considered not being there (at therapy) and she rolls her eyes and says, "Oh God, not again" this is very much the truth. It is difficult to be there.

The session began a bit chippy. I found myself questioning if she had a bad day, as she was shorter and we were both talking over the other.

I had recently found an article online that suggested that for avoidant clients like myself, it's key to be partnered with a therapist who challenges that and engages their attachment system, along w/many other key aspects. I knew, for the past month, that I was going to need to have her challenge me and this was the prime example to back-up what I've known to be true and felt ready for. I presented her w/the article and told her I needed her help w/this. She refused. She said my anxiety and panic, along w/the guilt and shame over my sexuality, are still overtaking me and she didn't think I was ready to be triggered along those lines.

I feel that after a year and three months of therapy w/her, I'm past talking about how my previous week was and getting patched up by her to get through to the next week.

We went back and forth, again, talking over the other. She was leaned forward, while I held my head in my hands and only looked up to shake my head. We both talked over the other. I seemingly offended her role as a therapist when I heard her say, "I'm the professional here..."
That was not the intention. I feel like I know what I've needed (for the past month) and I stumbled on much evidence backing up what I've felt intuitively.

At the end, I point blank asked her, "Are you refusing to help me in this way?"
"Yes, I'm refusing this. You're not ready." My reply was a dead-pan, "Well...there ya go."

I sat for a second and considered the stalemate. I gathered my belongings, twenty minutes shy of the usual 50 minute session and walked to the door. As I opened it, I said, "I know I owe you money and have to get you paid. I'll mail them in."
I started to walk out when I heard her say, "Nice. Real nice (my name)."

I closed her door and began to walk towards the exit. A few seconds later, I heard her door open and immediately slam shut. She had opened it again and slammed it behind me. I left her office and drove off, upset.

I've woken up today a bit sad, confused, and conflicted. She's been a presence in my life for over a year, which is huge for me. I spend more time with her in a 50 minute weekly session than I do with family or friends. To not have that...well, the devastation is barely seeping in and won't hit me until I'm not getting ready for my next appointment.

My family and friends suggest that this may be a good thing...half way during my time with her in therapy, she had told me that if I wasn't her client, we'd be friends...something that didn't sit well with those in my life. People wonder if she and I are too friendly.

After the issues w/the strip club incident, knowing how I was conflicted and wondering if I was attracted to her, at the end of the session she talked about how she had been invited to try-outs at a strip club a few years back.

When I told her that maybe she and the stripper didn't look that much alike and it was only their very similar hairstyle and tan, she replied, "Oh (my name), you know that she and I have much more in common than just our hairstyle!!" I didn't know how to take this and began to stutter. I was trying to separate the two women, while that comment alone sent me reeling backwards.

She's not specialized w/LGBT issues, which is a biggie. I revealed to her that the stripper who gave me a lap dance began to do something during that time and looked at me as I stared at her and that when I saw this, I had to look away. I didn't want this beautiful woman looking at me as I looked in her in that "more than a friend/attraction" sort of a way. I felt much guilt and shame. Upon revealing this to my therapist, all I got was, "Uh huh." And onto the next subject.

I'm conflicted because I'm attached to her, but she flat out refused to even consider challenging me more. I feel like she doesn't do it enough. I feel very upset this morning. I know that I reacted in a defensive manner and I should have been a bit more patient, not talking over her...

It's rare for me to be attached to anyone, truly. I do certain things to keep people at bay that preserve my nature. Staying with her in therapy, working things out, flies in the face of all that I know. My nervous system becomes activated and the defensive part of my brain becomes on guard when I develop an emotional tie. It's a painful experience, but I was trying to work through it. I thought she'd be the perfect person to help me with this and use my attachment towards her as a benefit, but that isn't going to happen now.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Perhaps you'd be better off with a T who specializes in LGBTQ clients.

Thank you for your sentiments! It's nice to have an avenue to express this. Who woulda known that this would be so dang hard!

Thank you for your reply.

I'm sorry you parted ways in the manner that you did but it really is good in a way. You need another tdoc. Good luck finding a good one. Best wishes.

I hate to admit this...but I want to e-mail her and also, I'm starting to think, "See, this is EXACTLY why I don't get attached."

I'd like to tell her that I want it to go back to the way it was before all of this happened- even before I realized I had become attached/developed an emotional tie to her.

I want to apologize if she took my suggestions as stepping on her toes and not trusting her as a professional (I never said that, but maybe she took it that way?).

I want us to apologize to each other and for letting things get animated as far as our conversation . I want to hear that she was just having a bad day and shouldn't have slammed the door. I want her to know that as I was walking out and I told her I'd mail her remaining payments in, it wasn't to be mean...I just didn't wanna walk out without an appointment and leave things in limbo and also let her know that I do need to pay her (she waits for me to get my insurance claim money and then I pay her). I want to tell her that I understand that she thinks I'm not ready for this (she said it would do more harm than good), but that I feel I am ready and we can meet somewhere in the middle .

I want us to compromise and move forward. I want her to know that I never wanted yesterday to happen.

I want my therapist back

I don't understand what you had been asking her to do that she didn't think you were ready for, but she sounds like a horrible therapist, with the sarcastic comments and slamming the door and dismissing your shame and conflict. She's doesn't seem to have a clue what you struggle with.

This sounds like a really difficult situation. I know I would not be happy to end therapy in such an abrupt way and, as you say, it sounds like maybe you were looking for a reason to cut ties before they got too strong.

I don't like her telling you "you're not ready" when you feel that you are, though. It seems to me like she could find a way to discuss it with you more and think about how you might get ready or know you're ready. The slamming the door thing seems unprofessional too.

Still, if you want to go back to therapy with her I think it would be worth setting up at least one more appointment to see if you can work this out and compromise like you want. If you can, great. If you can't, at least you won't wonder if it might have worked.

It's the bolded part that prevents me from contacting her. I don't know if she does understand and the majority of me doubts that she knows how to handle. Her comments of "Oh God, no again" when I say how hard it is for me, even in jest, make me wonder. That's exactly what attachment trauma clients do...we joke about everything, water things down, say things dead-panned and sadly, the therapist has to have a good eye for these things and she does not.

Into week 2 or 3 of having things vastly change when I discovered I had an attachment to her, she was saying, "So have you leaned into being connected to me?" No, of course not. I haven't allowed a woman to get close to me, platonically, since I was a teenager (at least 20 years).

I talked about how I don't store people in my phone. I just don't. It freaks me out. When a friend of mine discovered this, that she wasn't stored as a contact in my phone, she was hurt. I tried to convey to her that I really do care very much, but that it's just the way I am and has nothing to do with her personally...she still wasn't happy, said she was deeply disturbed and I felt guilty and began to pull-back from that friendship. Conveying this to my therapist, she called me "rude" and said "this isn't always about you."
I felt awful. I got defensive and shut down. I felt guilty and not like a good person. "Therapist (her name), I really am trying and I really do care. I'm going through a lot right (divorcing a man, coming out as gay and confusing people because I don't look like a cliche lesbian, my extended family shunning me, guilt, shame, panic and anxiety, along with financial difficulties as my husband and I divorce)...but I still tried to explain to my friend that I do care."

Her reply was a duplicate of before, "This isn't always about you." I felt bad and began to shut down. This is what we argued about before and then it escalated when I showed her a proposed model of treatment for avoidant clients in which the therapist should challenge the client's avoidance and activate their attachment system.

Many comments alone that she says, strike me that although I try to explain things to her...she isn't understanding. And I get it. Not everyone can.

At the end of our last session, she said "Well, at least your body language is better towards me. You're not facing the wall...but ur still sitting the furthest away from me and I see you have your little protective pillow to block me."
It made me feel very small. I do position my pillow as a protective measure and sit the farthest away from as I can, even into a year of therapy...but I have issues with being perceived as weak and her observations regarding the pillow made me feel very, very small.

I have been questioning, the last 4 visits or so, if she can truly help me. Talking about the week before only helps so much. I want to delve into more. She refuses to. And the rest of it.

I'm so torn and conflicted. If I wasn't attached, it would be an easy decision to make.

This sounds like a really difficult situation. The sarcasm ("Nice. Real nice.") and the door-slamming are gigantic red flags to me. Even if your T was having the worst day ever, her job is to put her personal issues aside and be present with you without getting angry or impatient. She needs to be strong enough to weather the storms while you work through the intense emotions that you're learning how to handle.

I haven't seen the article you reference about challenging people with avoidant attachment styles, but I'm wondering whether this T is capable of doing it. It seems to me that the way to challenge avoidant attachment is to show you that intense connection with another person can be safe and predictable. Her behavior isn't either of those things. You need stability to feel like you can safely show somebody all the confusing and stressful things you are dealing with right now. Nobody has the right to belittle you, especially not a therapist.

It also worries me that your T was dismayed when you wanted to revisit something that is clearly a pressing concern for you (the ""Oh God, not again" thing). It's your therapy, and she should trust that you will talk about the things that are important for you to talk about. Even if it's the same topic every week for six months. She should help you process things in different ways, look at them from different angles, and GENTLY try to help you out of the loop if she feels (after listening attentively for a very long time) that you are stuck.

My opinion is to maybe look for a new T who specifically mentions having training and experience with LGBTQ issues. Maybe even look for a queer-identified therapist. I had one when I was coming out, and it helped enormously. I felt safer and more understood before I ever told her anything because I knew she would understand what I was going through, based on her personal and professional experience. Secondly (but not less importantly!), make sure this new T has the ability to hold the boundaries that make your therapy all about you, because it absolutely should be. You want somebody who will listen to everything you say and who will respond to your intense emotions with empathy and curiosity, not frustration. It sounds like things really have gone awry with your current T, and that is truly unfortunate.

Yes, I wonder if she's the person to do this. She doesn't specialize in attachment issues, so now I feel like I've gone to a brain surgeon when I need a cardiologist.

I know she has troubles w/having her authority question, as she has told me as much, but this is in her professional life. She had a bad day once because an underling questioned something about her work. She became furious w/this woman, but for something else other than the real reason. Later, it dawned on her that she just didn't like having her authority questioned. She relayed this to the DBT skills group that I was in (she's also been my therapist this entire time).

I've been jaded with her this past month or so when all of this attachment stuff started. She's missed key questions, asked the wrong questions, failed to follow up on things that I feel and know, she should have. Being avoidant, I don't bring this things up with her, but I do remember them.

After our therapy sessions took a drastic change once I realized I had formed an attachment to her, I found her not able to process my feelings for her. It was as if she didn't believe that my feelings are only platonic and I found myself over-explaining.

In one instance very early on, she made an uncomfortable segue of, "Well, do you have anything other than your feelings about coming here, and about me, that you want to discuss?" and she shifted her body in discomfort.
It screamed to me that she missed the point that this IS the work I need to do. This is it right here. It's what I always run away from. I also felt she didn't have trust in me as her client, to know that this isn't all about my feelings of me/her...but it is the arena in which I learn how to safely attach in a secure environment. Now, I don't think she can provide that secure environment.

I also didn't like when I tried to separate her from the woman who performed a lap dance for me. I want to sever any link between them and so, I thought out loud, "Maybe you two only look alike because of your hair cut." To which she replied, "Oh (my name), you know we have MUCH more in common than our haircut." It made me uncomfortable and I didn't like it. I became uneasy and stuttered. I wanted to separate linking them together and she very much brought it back together with that comment. Then again, she did tell me that she's been offered a job as a stripper (years ago, when she was in school to become a T) in the past. She also reminded me that she likes strip clubs (no, she's not bisexual or gay she said- she likes to go to laugh at the comedy they offer) and that she wanted to visit the strip club I visited to take a gander at this woman who looks like her.

As much as I might miss her and I don't think it's gonna really hit me until Friday when I don't have to drive to go and see her, I'm not seeing how she can help me anymore.

She's also very friendly and more like a friend when she wants to be (and says things like, "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but...") and then when she feels fit, gets very clinical. To me, who has a real huge issue with trust, I'm unsure which person/side of her I'm going to get. This has reared it's head the last few weeks, when it hasn't before.

I feel that by challenging her treatment plan, I challenged her authority. She had just moved offices and was walking me around to get acquainted w/the new facilities when we walked into her office and she welcomed me to see her "throne." We've talked about her ego before, but I never thought it would make it's way into my therapy and she become triggered because of it.

I do agree about the LGBTQ perspective. Someone who can understand my guilt, shame, and this huge transition in my life.

This is pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Her calling you "rude" is also not appropriate, let alone the door slamming and sarcasm. Therapy *is* supposed to be all about the client. Both my T and marriage counselor have told me before that I shouldn't worry about their feelings (even though I do).

I also get the sense that your T doesn't know how to handle attachment issues. I have strong paternal transference and attachment for my marriage counselor and rather than pushing me away/referring us out, he's been helping me work through it (while generally trying to stay within the boundaries of marriage counseling). Transference/attachment tends to bring up stuff from childhood, and recognizing and working on those issues it brings up can be helpful (though painful and difficult at times).

Also, I've apologized to my individual T before about bringing up the same issues again, and she has said that's very typical for the same things to keep coming up again and again in therapy. She also says it's my therapy, and we can talk about anything I want.

I think you need a new therapist, who can handle attachment, who is familiar with LGBTQ issues, and who understands that therapy is about the client's feelings and concerns, not hers.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, it began to get chippy with the "rude" remark. It caught me off guard.

I don't know how to process this. She is a huge loss to me...yet I don't feel it yet. I mean, I feel a little down...but considering my rare attachment to her, I would think I'd feel a bit more. I guess I'm angry at her and that covers up
The hurt and sadness. I won't know until Friday rolls around, which is usually therapy day.

Hi Calilady,

I have a couple of thoughts about your situation, which you may or may not like but this is what I think, being very avoidant myself.

First, it seems to me that by terminating like this (spontaneously, due to an argument) is itself an avoidant behaviour. You got close to something, expressed it in some way and she didn't respond perfectly and then you probably felt too vulnerable to tolerate it further (I'm partly fantasising here, right) and then you ran away. I have been in this kind of stalemate situation with my T (who is actually excellent) many times. I have sat there saying that I have no idea how we go on from this situation. I have ran out from the room with the intention of never going back. I don't know about you but for myself, I have this highly reflective part of me who is on some level active all the time and this part tells me that the real reason I'm trying to run away like this is that I want him to plead me to come back, so I could then first tell him all the nasty things and refuse but then agree to come back because he has pleaded me and it sort of wasn't my decision. However, at the same time I know that he wouldn't go out of his way to plead me back because it is my decision after all whether I want to be in treatment with him or not.

From your writing I get that the T has responded less that perfectly to some things. It is entirely possible that this T is not skilled or experienced enough to do the kind of work you need. And I agree that you need to do attachment work. At the same time, I'm not entirely sure based on your writing whether your T really isn't unsuitable or not. I think this decision, to stop seeing her and to find someone else, would be better to do with cool head. I think it would be very useful for you to try to avoid just fleeing and go and talk to her about it and see if there is any real potential continuing with her or not.

Another thing I noticed is that you want her to pick up things that you don't clearly say out. This one is very familiar to me. I have had so many fights with my T that he isn't able to understand me without me having to say stuff explicitly. At least for me, this is something that comes from very early age - a period when the infant basically hasn't separated from her mother yet. I guess I have expected from my T the same attunement as a mother has to her infant. I have raged that my T hasn't been able to do that, although I must admit that he has tried really hard and done his best. Apparently this best isn't close enough to the real perfect attunement. I don't think I've learned this lesson yet because telling things explicitly seems to vulnerable to me. I want him to pick up things himself and tell them out loud so that I wouldn't have to say them and this way I can avoid any possible misunderstanding and rejection. But I do realise that this expectation is clearly unrealistic - people really are separate from each other and have to say to each other what they want and what they think and they might get misunderstood and also rejected during that process. The therapy environment can help to learn that even if this happens it will still be ok and nothing catastrophic will happen. But as I said, this is still work in progress for me.

Also, you asked her to start working with you according to a model. I don't know what model you are talking about but I personally don't believe into working according to a model in deep psychotherapy. Sure, the therapist should have some framework to lean on but otherwise the therapy is basically just the relationship between two people and I would say that this is especially true when you are otherwise very avoidant. What happens in that relationship is determined by how the two participant perceive and feel that relationship at any moment. I don't think you can do any kind of deep attachment work following particular guidelines of a model. However, if your T is complaining that you don't want to talk about anything else other than your relationship then it might really mean that she lacks the wider framework to do the work you need and in that case it might be very dangerous if she would start blindly applying the principles of some model of attachment work to you. In that case it would be really better if you would find someone who is comfortable with transference, attachment and working with the relationship.

I have questioned whether walking out like that and ending things was/is avoidant behaviour or if the writing had been on the wall for the past few weeks, as I questioned her ability to handle all of my feelings.

I know this is a very complicated situation.

I felt that she couldn't do anymore for me. There was no discussion. No, lets start small. I believe I'm ready. She doesn't, but this is my life and intuitively, I feel in my gut, this is what I need and where my anxiety/panic stems from. My body cannot tolerate the blocking out of emotions anymore and I'm breaking down.

Can it be indicative of my avoidant behavior? Absolutely. Yet I was there, presenting her with this. I had never just walked out before or left things in limbo. Very rare to get dramatics from me. This was a first. I felt defeated. I felt not heard and we weren't getting anywhere. She was animated, as was I.

As far as her asking questions, failing to ask questions, expressing discomfort...it screams to me what she can handle, what she can't, what she sees and doesn't see. To tell me, "Is there anything else other than you talking about being here or your attachment towards me" and then obvious discomfort...well, it just makes me doubt her. She doesn't specialize in this, so I completely get it. It isn't easy to deal with avoidant clients.

The print-out I gave to her wasn't a model, per se, but a general emphasis that avoidant clients do work well with clinicians who confront the tendency to avoid and, simultaneously, activate the attachment system. In this rare case, not echoed by the the published paper I gave to her, she can activate my attachment system herself just by me feeling tied to her.

There hasn't been one session where I haven't been hurt by something she has said, but I don't bring it to her attention (because if she were to adjust, I'd sense this and then become suspicious of her) and I make peace with it on my own.

I also don't want her to plead with me to come back. I'm older now, mid-30's, and self-aware to the point of where she and I are at now. I know when I want that validation that the person does care for me (whether this is exclusive to fearful avoidant attachment styles or extends to anxious preoccupied is something I question). This is not one of those times and I haven't "tested" someone in years. I'm a runner though, for sure, it's what I do and what I know.

I felt that this was a little ahead of her game, but that maybe because she and I have both admitted to having a natural affinity and familiarity towards each other, that she'd know how to react based on this. That hasn't happened. Also, she has her own attachment style and triggers that I have to contend with. The session was chippy from the outset when she called me "rude" and said "this isn't always about you" and we started to talk over the other. I've just started to think about her warnings to me about this, "I might be having a bad day and this office isn't a sterile environment. You have to understand I may say something that will send you flying out the door" to which I replied, "And I'm only self-aware to the point where we were at two weeks ago. Staying here in this goes against my nature and if this were a video game, I only have the cheat codes to the last level. I've never reached this level before, but here I am, still coming to my appointments."

I've stuck with her for a year and some months. In the history of my 15+ years in attempting to find a suitable therapist, she is the only one who has stuck. Most of the time, we get a long in a friendly capacity, so it was sorta like watching two friends argue in a professional setting. She was heated, as was I. I'm sure she was hurt and frustrated, hence the opening and slamming of the door.

It's so muddled. I don't know if this can be undone, so to speak. And I question if she's the right person for the job.

Finding a new therapist, however, seems like a daunting task. It took over a year for me to develop an attachment to my T, so to find someone new...ugh. And start over and have to talk about this? Yikes. It exhausts me just to think about it.

I don't know what to do. I want to be challenged; I can't stay just talking about the week before. I'm ready to confront the trauma I experienced and even if it's a baby step, it's still progress. I don't know. I'm completely lost and it's starting to dawn on me what just happened.

Sounds that you are pretty confident that she is not suitable for the type of work you need to do. In that case I think you did a right thing although I still think it would have been better to reach a common agreement with T in this sense. However, if the T is not able to admit that your stuff is way over her head then achieving this common agreement about your need to find someone else (and her possibly helping you to find this someone else) might be unrealistic.

Based on the many stories I've read in this forum about people getting stuck with their incompetent therapists I think that being avoidant has some clear advantages - you are actually able to go away when you don't get what you need.

You are not asking for advice but based on my own experience you might want to look for therapists with contemporary psychoanalytic background - these folks are most likely to be familiar and comfortable working with transference and attachment issues and expect the work to be focussed on the relationship between you and T.

To me it quite simply sounds like she hasn't a clue what to do or how to progress.
She has been so comfortable with things,the way they are it seems she doesn't want them to change.

Only one problem there, it's not her therapy it's yours.

She is out of her depth, and her remarks already show she knows sod all about dealing with transference.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I just copied and pasted what you wrote, to a friend, and she said, "Yes! Yes! Yes! They summed it up nicely."

Sadly, I'm beginning to see.

Based on my experience (admittedly decades ago), psychoanalytically-oriented therapists are not immune from the kinds of counter-transference that appears here -- and it can be strong enough that they can deny its signs.

I don't think I said that they are immune, did I? I just said that it's likely - at least more likely than an average therapist who has undergone perhaps max 20 hours of personal therapy or in most cases not even that and who has had no personal first-hand experience with transference-countertransference and has only heard about it in couple of lectures.

Former t is young and specializes in DBT and also works at a recovery center. She doesn't specialize in attachment, but felt she was ready to undertake this.

I think that at the very least, a man T would be great. Gonna have to be very upfront.