[Calilady]

How did you feel, after? Especially that first week of not returning to therapy?

I feel jaded, confused, sad, upset, guilty, and regretful. After 15 years of not finding someone who suited me, I knew in that first meeting w/her that she was gonna be my therapist. Just two weeks ago, she and I were recalling the details about how I came to be her client and she remembered exactly where she was at when I had called her and said, "Just last week I was thinking how lucky I was that you didn't call anyone else and waited for me to come back from vacation and how no one else scooped you up."

Now, two weeks later...this.

We were both angry and upset in our final session and even though I don't think she had the skills suited to help me on this next leg of my journey, I still very much care. Where do the feelings go when you have a fight and you stop talking? Do they vanish?

And it's odd, the therapist/client relationship. So fragile and delicate and completely one-sided, even though it didn't feel like it when I was there. I tried to ask about her, too.

She goes off to a boyfriend and her daughter and resumes her life. I'm just work to her, although I'm sure she does care in some fashion. This loss is hard for me to understand and I feel like it's starting to hit me and I don't know how I'll feel when Friday rolls around (therapy day). I'm depressed. The person who has listened to me go through all of this is no more. She may even send me a bill, demanding payment (she waits for me to get reimbursed by my insurance). So odd. This person I could talk to, open up to, share things with...yet I know nothing of her real life. She is enjoying the holiday with her fam- as she should- and here I am, devastated and reeling from the loss and just beginning to mourn someone who I'm an afterthought to.

I'm very jaded with the therapy process right now. I'm hurt and don't even want to wade back into the waters in order to find someone new. I knew that when I was going through the worst portion of my life, if I could make it to therapy and talk to her, that it would be okay. And all of the rapport and trust I had felt we built up ended in animated talking, not listening to the other, and after I walked out, hearing her open her completely closed door and slamming it shut for emphasis. She was supposed to provide secure attachment for me in a healthy and safe environment. She promised she could do this and that her attachment style was solid. Now, all I can hear is her last words to me that were filled with dry sarcasm and the slamming of a door. And that was our end.

I guess I'm just heartbroken.

[toomanycats]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Everything you've described is, while crappy, normal given the circumstances.

When S (my former therapist) and I ended therapy abruptly and without closure 4 months ago, I was thrown deep...deep into a grief that I thought would never end. You know how, at the ER, if you've been in an accident, they ask you "Do you know where you are? Do you know what has happened to you?" Those lines went through my brain (and still do, honestly) over and over and over. Non-stop at first, less now. Because I honestly couldn't register what had happened.

It does get better. Not quickly, not all at once, but it does get better. Just last night, I had a HUGE panic attack and meltdown over S being gone. Because parts of yourself won't be able to move on at the same pace as other parts. (If you're not familiar with Internal Family Systems, that might not make a lot of sense to you, but it helped me a lot with understanding all of my feelings about S and what had happened.)

Finding new support is, of course, helpful. But, honestly, it is ok to take a break if you want. Even if you find excellent new support, it is going to take time to build trust and even find any sort of willingness to connect. I've been seeing my new therapist now for about 3 months, and while he's great, it is definitely not the same. And, last night, I was screaming "I don't want J (new therapist)! I want S!" Like a child. Because, yeah, that's how I feel... like an abandoned and traumatized child.

But, whereas a few months ago, that panic attack and "I'm going to die" feeling would've gone on endlessly for days and days, I was able to come out of it in an hour last night. So, it does get better. It takes a lot of work, a lot of readjustment, time, patience, self compassion.

[here today]

I had lots of T's over the years, some ended abruptly, some I took some time, trying to "work things out".

I tried to work things out with my last T and in the end, I think it was her stuff, not mine, that made it impossible. But was there something about "her stuff" that drew me in and kept me there for 6 years? Plus, there was some other stuff that she helped me with. Several months after the "rupture without repair" it connected to me that how I felt about her, and the ending, was similar to, or the same as, how I had felt about some relatives in my early life, feelings that had been too horrible to feel at the time.

I'm still working through a lot of that, but with support groups and PsychCentral, not another T.

Is it possible that something like that could be going on with you, too? Some strong feelings from long ago that this relationship was similar to, or reenacted?

So sorry that you feel heartbroken now. Heartbrokenness is horrible, for sure. I hope things get better soon.

[malika138]

Yes, it is confusing and painful but in the end, it is better to be with a professional t who has appropriate boundaries and doesn't talk in riddles (thinking of when she told you, 'you know she and I have more in common than hair style').

Have you made progress in finding another t? It took me time to find a new t after I had one abruptly drop me after I called in crisis (one I saw said she was 'afraid' to work with me!). A professional t will help you process the terrible ending with the previous t.

[Calilady]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

And, last night, I was screaming "I don't want J (new therapist)! I want S!" Like a child. Because, yeah, that's how I feel... like an abandoned and traumatized child.

This is EXACTLY how I feel right now. Even though we had run out of road as far as our therapy journey goes, it still hurts so much.

[Calilady]

I'm struggling with do I reach out to her, do I apologize, did I do anything wrong? Is she waiting for me to reach out or am I on her mind at all (I mean, I'm a client, not in her personal life).

But all of the above, I do WAY too much when things are over. I go back to these kinda women, apologize and lay all of my feelings on the line. It only tortures me more. She's a professional and in the last few weeks, I think I relayed what she meant to me. I read her a very long letter that she admitted had her tearing up and I was always grateful to her for her kindness and generosity, as she waited to get paid when my insurance reimbursed me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My ex-T abandoned me 2 years ago. Everything was fine in my opinion. I walk into session, sit down, and she tells me we're terminating. The session lasted a whole 5 minutes. I was so distraught, I had to call my fiance who worked an hour away, to come be with me and follow me home so I didn't drive off the road. He then took me to the emergency room. I cried so much, I fell asleep in the ER. They didn't really help, but told me to go home, take my Ativan, and sleep. I knew I wasn't going to survive without help, so I tried to find a new T asap. When I finally found my current T, she tried to communicate with ex-T for me (ex-T told me to never contact her again). Current T got no answers from ex-T. I have no closure. No idea why she terminated me. She gets to go on living her happy life with a new baby, and I'm left scared. But thanks to current T, I've healed a lot. It wasn't easy, and trusting her has been really difficult. I'm still grieving for my ex-T, but it's gotten better. I rarely cry for her. I try my best to not look her up. And I try really hard not to ask the "whys".

[Sarmas]

It's an odd and complicated relationship for sure. I think the client gets more emotionally involved than the Therpaist. I'm sure that some therapists might develop further feelings for certain clients.

For me when I took my first long break it was treacherous and my thought process was the same as yours. I knew I had to continue my life as if I've never met her and as I do with my regular doctors. I'm really nothing to her and I shouldn't expect anymore than just a client-therapist relationship. I had to engrave it into My head that it's her job to be there. That's what we pay them to do. If I didn't pay her then she wouldn't be there. I took 6 months off and it was tough. It got easier as time went by but it was still really tough. Plus my boys see her best friend who's also a T and I would Bump into her often.

I now took another break. This time we both separated angry via text. It's not an easy process but if you take it for what it is and be realistic about it then within time it gets better. I found it easier to stay busy and try to tune her out. It was a lot of coaching myself on my part.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think it might be happening with me right now. I had a terrible session with my t this evening. It was awful. We fought worse than ever before. We're supposedly in the termination phase (for the past almost month) and today she decides to pick a fight with me. wth? I had told her I felt angry at her 2 weeks ago after I left, but that I was no longer angry, but she totally twisted everything and kept insisting I was possessed or something and that i wasn't 'myself' today and it was just ridiculous. then before i ledt she said that i needed to stew in my own juices now. what?! oh i am so over therapy at the moment. i don't ever want to go back.

[BudFox]

My ending triggered abandonment and rejection feelings, and shame and self-blame. What helped take the edge off was recognizing just how dysfunctional this "relationship" was in its basic nature. I paid someone to pretend to care, while i pretended to benefit.

And it was a series of deceptions -- safe environment, client comes first, therapists are more mature, the boundaries are healthy, it's evidence-based, it's a process. etc. All lies. Seeing this clearly absolved me of much of the shame.

[Sarmas]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think it might be happening with me right now. I had a terrible session with my t this evening. It was awful. We fought worse than ever before. We're supposedly in the termination phase (for the past almost month) and today she decides to pick a fight with me. wth? I had told her I felt angry at her 2 weeks ago after I left, but that I was no longer angry, but she totally twisted everything and kept insisting I was possessed or something and that i wasn't 'myself' today and it was just ridiculous. then before i ledt she said that i needed to stew in my own juices now. what?! oh i am so over therapy at the moment. i don't ever want to go back.

I get that. Same happened here via text today. I ended up cancelling and taking a break. If you think about if then the reason why I was going to therapy no longer become prioritized. That's now at a hold because the client is dealing with issues within the therpeutic relationship. It's not easy to abruptly end. The client is left guessing what happened. I'm still not sure how something as simple as ordering food went to I'm quitting therapy. Her and I got upset at each other and now it's over. I did point out to her that it was silly and things didn't have to end this way. I got no response. So now as clients we sit at sidelines wondering what happened and picking up the pieces. Sorry this happened to you as well.