The Couch 147: Maximum Break!

hey couch. doing some more thinking this afternoon. about how i seem to feel judged so easily. feeling judged by other people seems to be my go-to emotion way too much of the time. i thought i had let go of the past. but apparently i have not. or it's still a part of my neural pathways or something. like being judged and convicted bla bla bla growing up (which of course is exactly what being punished just for being myself as a child led to) it taught me that i was bad and guilty and i learned to expect that everyone would judge me and and i saw it in action the other day with t, but because i realized what i was doing i was able to let it go in the moment and not worry about it, well except for the fact of doing it in the first place - i had been telling her about registering for the psych 101 class at the college that starts next month and she goes "Just don't expect any Jungian stuff." And initially I felt like she was judging me and saying I was stupid to take it. I saw myself feel judged. And in the same moment of seeing it told myself to stop it that she was just making an observation that psych 101 probably wouldn't include any Jung. That was it!! It was no more judgemental of me than her saying "The sky is so blue today!" If anything it was judgmental of the way the course is designed or something. But that was interesting. To realize that like I said my go-to emotion seems to be to feel judged. Oh! I did that during my interview yesterday too, didn't I? At the point where I started to feel like they were thinking that one of my answers was "wrong" and I almost started to cry. I'm so glad I was able to take a deep breath and stop that emotion and push onward with my answer. Glad now that it was a phone interview - they couldn't SEE me almost cry.

I also think that t was probably right when she speculated that the reason my anger came out as explosively as it did was because in my mind somewhere, thinking I would be leaving her within a few months anyway, it was safe now to explode. And now we've got the next bit of my work. The scariest bit, perhaps, the dark anger that is burrowed so deep within my psyche that it rarely sees the light of day.

But it's Saturday and I don't need to be sitting here ruminating endlessly. I'm going to go see if I have the ingredients to make that pie!

I like it...

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Thanks. I love the word runcible, it's really not a helpful username for shortening though!

lol don't call me runny! You really like spoon don't ya?

(((Artie))) i graduated 1970. I worked on my 40 year reunion, calling people up, emailing them. It was a blast! It kinda changed my life. I was coming out of a very dark time - getting fired, being isolated, living at my mothers - so it really helped me. Not back to my old self yet - that will never happen - but some of me did get resuscitated. Its interesting how people think they know who you are.

Eta - boomers! We were that big too!

What do you mean "both"?!

ETA: I like the one with the time-travelling whales.