The Couch 147: Maximum Break!

Thanks Art. Not sure I do
I don't get why it's making me happy and sad at the same time.

i saw my t in public only once and that was pre-arranged when she was visiting here during the time she lived out of state. just goes to show how big the city we live in actually is - we live 7 miles apart, but I have never once seen her out and about anywhere.

Cuz it's convoluted by design. That's why!

Yeah, sometimes with all the stuff I am getting from my relationship with T, I can still feel like it is too little, too late.

My favorite pie is strawberry rhubarb, with a sweet crumb topping.

Got a haircut today, went to the dump, picked up fast food, now in for the duration. It's over 100 out there, I've parked myself in front of the a/c. Happy Saturday couchies!

hey couch. doing some more thinking this afternoon. about how i seem to feel judged so easily. feeling judged by other people seems to be my go-to emotion way too much of the time. i thought i had let go of the past. but apparently i have not. or it's still a part of my neural pathways or something. like being judged and convicted bla bla bla growing up (which of course is exactly what being punished just for being myself as a child led to) it taught me that i was bad and guilty and i learned to expect that everyone would judge me and and i saw it in action the other day with t, but because i realized what i was doing i was able to let it go in the moment and not worry about it, well except for the fact of doing it in the first place - i had been telling her about registering for the psych 101 class at the college that starts next month and she goes "Just don't expect any Jungian stuff." And initially I felt like she was judging me and saying I was stupid to take it. I saw myself feel judged. And in the same moment of seeing it told myself to stop it that she was just making an observation that psych 101 probably wouldn't include any Jung. That was it!! It was no more judgemental of me than her saying "The sky is so blue today!" If anything it was judgmental of the way the course is designed or something. But that was interesting. To realize that like I said my go-to emotion seems to be to feel judged. Oh! I did that during my interview yesterday too, didn't I? At the point where I started to feel like they were thinking that one of my answers was "wrong" and I almost started to cry. I'm so glad I was able to take a deep breath and stop that emotion and push onward with my answer. Glad now that it was a phone interview - they couldn't SEE me almost cry.

I also think that t was probably right when she speculated that the reason my anger came out as explosively as it did was because in my mind somewhere, thinking I would be leaving her within a few months anyway, it was safe now to explode. And now we've got the next bit of my work. The scariest bit, perhaps, the dark anger that is burrowed so deep within my psyche that it rarely sees the light of day.

But it's Saturday and I don't need to be sitting here ruminating endlessly. I'm going to go see if I have the ingredients to make that pie!

So my therapist gave me a book that she'd just gotten a few days earlier and kept in the office to lend to me. She said she would have taken it with her on vacation if it were softcover, but it's not. I loved it immediately and said I was going to order one of my own.

My dilemma is that the one she lent me has some wear and tear on the cover and I'm afraid she will think I mishandled it. I could give her the one I ordered, which has no flaws. The seller offers two kinds, and I think she may have gotten the one that costs less because of defects. But what if she didn't order one with defects and thinks I returned her new book to her in bad shape?

I thought about giving her the one I ordered, but what if she notices that and then I will feel creepy/guilty if she thinks I kept hers because it belongs to her? That's not the real reason at all, though. It's just that I get panicky about borrowing things that are not returned in perfect condition.

Which one do I give her???!!!!

Side note about pie: I just bought a slice of vegan strawberry rhubarb after a four and a half hours in traffic today. Love love love pie.

ruh roh, is it an option to explain the dilemma?

(((ruh roh))) what do you think im gonna say your t would love you to do?

Eta - ah runcible, you spilled the beans!

I would just tell her it was like that initially

Yes, but then I would have to take both big books with me to session. I already take a full backpack and a dog.

I had no idea what you thought you'd say my therapist would love for me to do...until your ETA comment. The distress this is causing me is enormous. I guess I will have to haul both books back. And then I will probably find out that she doesn't care about the one with the worn cover. But I don't want to take that risk. Where is the irrational wailing emoticon?

Okay. Why wouldnt your t accept and prefer the truth? That is, are you projecting / transferring that attitude onto her? Who treated you like that in your past? (Besides my family. I mean, yeah been there )

I agree with una. If you don't want to carry both, carry neither and explain it, then bring it next session.

We're having a glorious thunder storm, cooling things down, yay!

On worn books, I don't really buy books anymore, but I never cared what the exterior was like, I was after the story or the knowledge inside. I'd give hers back, she probably doesn't expect it to be perfect since it wasn't pristine when she loaned it to you.

I just went swimming for an hour or so and continued the deep thinking with a few tears and now I am feeling cleansed and ready for the thunderstorm that appears to be rolling in...

Luc has talked me through all the ways in which I was happy about this at first, and how actually he handled it extremely well. The word Luc used was gentle. That was exactly right. He was. I just can't wait to resume business.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I will probably take both books back anyway and offer the better one.

I am still reeling from having caused some damage to a neighbor's house several months ago (brand new custom swanky magazine cover type home) and they have still not told me how much it cost to repair. They just say things like thousands of dollars and will let me know the total, but then they don't. My therapist said she was furious that they have left this hanging for so long. She knows I get wound up about stuff like this.

And unaluna, yes. I am sure that much of it goes back to eternal shaming and blaming over doing nothing more than breathing too loud or taking up space.

I just want someone to bring me food right now.

I just made a butter-recipe pie crust (cuz I don't have any shortening) and it's in the fridge chilling for 2 hours, then I'll roll it out and bake it and make the chocolate pie filling from my Grandma's recipe. Yum!! H's mouth is already watering and nothing's even close to the oven yet.... haha

And new bows for your hair, why not?

Worst part about retail is when u mess up and ppl get mad and insult and you just want more than anything to go hide and not be around people but ur line is into the clothing department and that ain't gonna happen.

(((Jdna))) I could never work in retail, partly because of people like my ex motherinlaw who turns up 10 mins before the store closes and gets upset when she is asked to leave 5 mins after the store was supposed to close. I gave up trying to tell her that people have been there all day and there are things to do after the doors are shut.

I stayed up and watched both Star Trek movies last night. I didn't think I could do it but I think I feel better for not sleeping 12 hrs

I do not miss dealing with the public directly. People are horrible to hourly workers. As if the job is unrewarding enough people make assumptions about you and are rude based on assumptions. I hope you can find a salaried position in your tech field junk DNA. I worked various supermarket jobs while in college and people treat you like you are stupid and you just take it with s smile all while knowing you might be better educated than the jerk yelling at you.