The Couch 147: Maximum Break!

That's what I felt a couple weeks ago when I went in there and talked about sex and sexuality which led to abuse stuff. I left and fell apart. I'm sorry you're dealing with it now

Just going to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry.

I have pizza and beer.

I'm going to cry and drink beer and eat pizza.

Hugs... therapy can be awfully painful. What kind of pizza are you having? And what do you even consider beer in the uk?

Hot pepperoni.

And how dare you! We have plenty of excellent warm, flat ale in the UK.

I prefer Italian and Spanish and Belgian and Dutch lager though.

Pepperoni on pizza?!? Tzeh. That sounds almost as awful as lucozade (or uh, what ever the name of that beverage was)

I'd bring you proper pizza... you know... the one you can actually call pizza

i never had 'proper' pizza until i visited my brother in Italy like 12 years ago. it was sooooooooo good. so different from what i get at home, now I like what I grew up calling pizza too, of course, but what we had at the Blue Moon in Naples, Italy was quite different and really good.

So I have my textbook now for my psych class that starts next month. I want to start reading it now. haha

Jeez, Munie... I say I'm sad and you attack my beer, my pizza, and even my T's lucozade! What kinda friend are you?

(Send your birdies with 'proper' pizza, please. I'll be waiting.)

Hihi. Maybe I'm trying to make you angry at me, hmmm. So that you don't have to be sad anymore

I should become a T!

Weeeell... I do feel less sad. It's either you or the beer!

I actually saw T coming back from the shop with some lucozade today. That was weird.

Or both

Or the "pizza"

No. and I just found myself sleeping again at work for the past 4 hours. This is absurd.

This happens to me a lot... T says it's psychosomatic (had tests done and everything).
Could it be that you caught a virus though? I think you should see a doctor, just in case

Have you ever had mono? Sounds like when I had that in college...is your throat sore at all? Could also be your body trying to fight something off.

Cool. I took a lot of psych classes, I liked them and learned a lot. Hope you enjoy.

I have a lot of psychosomatic issues so I wouldn't be surprised. I just saw my doctor, I'm still dealing with my ear issues, too.

I had mono when I was a sophomore in highschool. It was beyond awful. My throat isn't sore. Is really this much sleep needed to fight something off?

I feel scared.

Just had a really rough marriage counseling session (and it was actually all about our marriage!). Started with just us describing what happened in a fight last week, which led to me crying, then MC was trying to get us to do these exercises (he doesn't usually do that) where we each explained to the other one what they said. I got the sense from MC that I failed miserably at that. I know he was trying to get H to say all his stuff and express everything he's feeling, and I was reflexively jumping in, then MC seemed to call me on that. Which made me cry.

Then at one point H said it felt like I didn't care. So MC wanted me to turn to H and explain to him why I cared about him. Which...I couldn't seem to do. I said it was like with my daughter, I just...care about her because I do. So I felt I failed at that as well. And then I just sort of lost it, like putting my head in my hands and sobbing and saying I felt like a failure as a wife, and MC was saying that I was generalizing, that H was talking about a thing, not about me. But he'd also said earlier in session (in relation to fight) that he felt put-upon all the time because he has to do so much with our daughter. So to me it was like on multiple fronts. But then I felt bad because I was making it about me, when MC was trying to focus on H.

MC kept trying to resteer it back around to saying how we each felt from the argument, focusing on H first, and I just kept completely failing, like everything I was trying to say about him, it felt like MC thought it was really about me, even stuff like me trying to understand H's needs and what he wants from me in different situations. So I'd start to say something, then be like, "I'm sorry, I'm doing it again, I suck" and start crying again (and of course MC only had a few tissues left--luckily I had some Starbucks napkins in my purse). It just sort of went on like that, with me also saying at one point that I was a cheater (one night, year and a half ago--H knows this and has forgiven me) and between that and the other stuff H is saying, I didn't understand why he'd want to stay with me.

I was crying so much that I felt sick and wanted to run out of the room, but I didn't. We were over time, but MC kept trying to work with us, saying to me after my one outburst how we should deal with both things, what I just said and what H had been talking about, and which thing did I think we should deal with first. I said H of course. And he was trying to get H to talk about what he'd been talking about before, but I think H had been mostly done, and he was trying to figure out what to say.

There was some other stuff, including an MC golf analogy where he stood up and demonstrated what he keeps doing wrong with his swing (was sorta related)--I think he was trying to lighten the mood at the end. We did laugh a bit at the end over something I said, so I wasn't as much of a wreck when I left, but still pretty bad. At least it must have been obvious that I was really upset to the teenage boy MC was retrieving late, so hopefully the teen understood.

H and daughter get home in an hour--they were supposed to go to the pool but of course it just started storming. H was being pretty understanding when he walked me to my car, so I'm not worried about him being mad. I'm just so emotionally drained right now that I want to curl up in a ball the rest of the night. I just wish I hadn't lost it so much in session--there was some other marriage-related stuff I'd wanted to talk about (that was tied to the fight) but couldn't in the midst of all that. At least T is back and I see her Wed....

((((Ellahmae))))

((((LT))))

Have you ever been tested for thyroid problems

(((LT)))

((LT))
That sounded like a really rough session.

I would have taken some photos of my "before" classroom, but my phone died during the class I was there for. And of course my phone charger at school decided today was the perfect day to stop working.

Today wasn't a good day at work for numerous reasons

Today for some reason I am having this emotion flashback:

Of M leaving last year for seven weeks and the fire that happened on the fourth day, Aug 1, of not emailing him because he was on vacation and I needed to be good and follow the rules and not bother him. Crying and being homeless and having bad amnesia and panic attacks every day. Having three changes of clothes to last a month and a half. None of the ptsd emergency clinics accepting me for aid because I don't have combat ptsd. L trying to help me with the insurance claims but neither of us understanding the terms. Finally finding a temporary room with a guy I thought was safe but kept trying to sleep with me after a few days. Then M came back in September and I tried to tell him everything but couldn't remember most of the details. He didn't understand how bad things were (because I couldn't communicate it) and he said "this experience is temporary, a hiccup and a major inconvenience, not trauma"

And I left that session and said to myself "he doesn't understand and I can never see him again"

That is the thing I am feeling. But he does understand now. It took me a long time to be able to tell him.

Why am I making myself relive this