The Couch 147: Maximum Break!

It's not about what they deserve. It's about what you need to say. You should feel free to say it

I would say:

"When you accused me of being high, I was clean for a whole week. If this is the kind of support you are offering, you deserve every word of abuse I ever gave you. I demand an apology and I also demand you lift your game."

That's me.

oh hey. what do you do when you run out of words in therapy, because your self-hatred is so all-consuming and you feel like it can never be fixed?

I go away for a while. Turn into a part of the floor or the wall.

Monosyllabic grunts in response to anything T says. And I mean anything.

edit: in response to anais.

I am assuming you mean dissasociating, but i do not have that issue. i just hide behind the pillow and say nothing, leaving T to try and fill in the silence.

not me, i linger in silence...

she actually told me about these cartoons she saw in the New Yorker recently to get me to laugh at the end of session bc I wasn't in a good place. I got mad at her and said "Don't make me laugh! I am angry! I am leaving now," and walked out the door.

RoboT doesn't handle silence well, so he'll fill the space regardless of if I acknowledge him or not. So I figure I'll give him something in those moments.

Speaking of dissociating, I have suddenly (and to be honest, hopefully only temporarily) lost the ability. It has been going on for several weeks and it is so strange to be present in my life all the time.

I also often prefer having the ability to be absent.

Wait, are you guys saying you can control when you dissociate? I do it very infrequently, and to be honest, I wish I could do it more.

I almost said that I (unfortunately) don't have hte problem of dissociating, but felt that was very wrong to say...so this is refreshing to hear.

I do have an amazing ability to sit in silence though, no matter the fact that I literally feel like screaming IT DOESN'T MATTER. NOTHING MATTERS in the room.

(me today)

I wouldn't say I have control. But a certain part of me just knows to do it. Like squinting when it's too bright. It has been useful for me but I honestly would not recommend it as a habit. Most of the time I believe it is maladaptive.

Yeah, as anais says, it is usually outside of my control, although sometimes I can sort of let it happen, when I'm like, on the edge.

I generally dissociate a LOT and due to stuff that has come up with T it is not happening. He and I both think it's temporary (me hopefully, him not so much) but it's very unnerving to experience the world differently.

I agree that it's largely a maladaptive coping mechanism, but there are instances that it can be helpful.

Yes, that is the kind of instance where it is really lifesaving.

Thats so weird thats like when my mom died. July 24th i think 2 years ago.

Eta - finally back home and in bed. I had a long day out. My gp basically said, eat drink and make merry with the gosling for tomorrow you may die! he thinks hes funny, he tells me, youre in pretty good shape for the shape youre in. where do i find these guys??

My theory is that you make them up.

Its true that all my men turn into anecdotes

I can't... I think it's awful... it makes everything very hard... like, it takes an eternity for simple commands like "move your arm" to actually reach my arm. Sometimes I can't move at all. It makes me unable to think or communicate or anything like that.

The world doesn't feel real, it's like I could fall through the floor all the time.

Eta: okay, just now read the maladaptive coping mechanism thing... sorry, this sounds more aggressive than intended

I should get my first coffee before posting

No worries, Demunie. I didn't read your post as aggressive. What you're describing sounds awful.

plural anecdata

Ooh, @@...

Didn't know that. Thanks for the new word.

I'm fighting with the network printer at my university... how hard is it to get them to work properly? And they still charge a fortune anyway...

Hope you manage to print what you need soon.