Losing support when I'm struggling

I've had a combination of things going on this past week, but I think this is the best place to post because a big part of it has been losing my long term therapist. I've been deeply attached to him, and I've been having intense grief and feelings of abandonment, even though I realize that's not what he's doing.

I've felt very lonely and needy and raw from this. Then the other day my PTSD was triggered, and I had a panic attack that left me exhausted and scared and ashamed. Because of the trauma, my PTSD makes me feel very needy and desperate for others to help me, so I tend to seek attention. Often I will do self destructive things to get people to help me. I'm really trying to learn to control this and figure out a better way to ask for support. Right now I'm struggling with those urges especially in light of losing my therapist who was a huge source of support.

I'm also just generally feeling really uncomfortable, tense, distracted, and spaced out. I have a lot of tension and pressure in my body, and I feel like I need to throw up to relieve it. I have had an eating disorder, but this is different. It just literally feels like there's so much pressure inside of me that I have to get something out. So I'm trying to resist that urge as well.

So, I don't know, I just felt like it would be good to try to articulate all of this because it's a huge confusing mess right now. I feel like there's a storm in my head with no shelter. I feel really lonely.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. My CPTSD causes me this type of pain too. Are you finishing therapy on good terms? Or is he transferring you out? Is there any way he can support you through this transition, or possibly keep you on longer?

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a bad time.

When I once lost someone important from my life, and was also going through a generally terrible time, I wrote that person a letter every day. I couldn't send the letter to them, but the writing out of my feelings really helped me to process things. Eventually after 3 or 4 months the grief and confusion became less intense, and I no longer needed to write to them.

Oh goodness--it sounds like you feel really really awful in both your soul and your body. I am so sorry.

I am in a not-totally-dissimilar situation at the moment b/c I just moved and it is so so so hard not to be able to see/call/email/whatever my former pdoc and t and get support from them. (And on top of that it makes me feel crazy that I was/am so attached to and dependent on them, so that adds to the depression/self-hate stuff.)

I also have times when I feel really needy... and even though I try hard to articulate my needs, sometimes just saying how bad I feel and asking for what I think might help doesn't result in me getting the things I've asked for... and even if I do get the thing I've requested, sometimes it doesn't end up making me feel any better. So I've started do things to get attention and I HATE that and I don't understand it but I keep doing it and I don't know how to stop or what else to do.

For me it helped to post here because usually I would talk about things with former pdoc/t but now I can't... and my friends/colleagues know I struggle with really awful depression but I don't feel like I can get into the nitty-gritty with most of them because I don't want to scare them/don't want them to think (/know) how sick I am, etc.

I guess I didn't realize how much I was keeping inside until I started posting here again yesterday and then everything started flowing out and today I feel a little better. (Also yoga/guided meditations sometimes help me a little when the depression is manifesting especially intensely in my body--I get a combo of restlessness/listlessness and also have belly pain and can't sleep-- so I've been doing a lot of those things and sometimes they help)

So, I'm so sorry you're feeling all of this terrible pressure inside. You're not alone in having really intense and awful feelings sometimes. I'm here to listen if it would help to write about what's going on, and I know that lots and lots of other PCers are too.