Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

S (ExT)

I cry for you ever night. Still. 5 months of grieving, and I still cry for you every night. And, honestly, the worst part is that I know you don't care. You don't care that you led me into the greatest depths of vulnerability I have ever experienced and then abandoned me there. And, I'm not talking about taking a job or even moving. I'm talking about how you, as my therapist, had a responsibility to guide me through the termination process. Yes, I stopped therapy in a text. But, I was in complete ruins. And you know that. A week later, I asked for termination sessions, and you said no. "Too late." (Though you have always...always promised me that if I stopped therapy with you, I could come back at any time.) And, then, you blamed me. You told me it was my fault, my choice.

I know that you aren't interested in "dissecting whose fault things are," though I imagine that is because you can't handle admitting how deeply you have ****ed up with me as a therapist. I have fought so hard against seeing and acknowledging it for real -- that you were a completely unethical therapist with me. That your lack of boundaries was extremely dangerous and has done a lot of damage in me. I often just forgot that I paid you, but the truth is, I was paying you. Every week. For 3 years. You were my therapist, not my friend. But I needed and wanted you so much that I was blind to that. And, I blamed myself. After all, I wanted it. I wanted to be special to you. I wanted your time, attention, care, and comfort. I wanted to give you everything... anything I could possibly give you... because I loved you so much. So, I blamed myself. But, you were my therapist, and the boundaries...they were not my responsibility. They were yours. And, your lack of boundaries has deeply, deeply hurt me. I am coming out of 3 years of therapy with you having lost my identity. Having to relearn what I even like and believe. Having to relearn what of my instincts are real, are trustworthy. Having to relearn how to trust myself instead of always looking to you to tell me what is real and what is right.

In my mind's eye, I can already see your steely protective walls that will prevent you from absorbing or caring about this letter. You will tell yourself that I "Don't know how to human" or am borderline or find some other reason that you will deeply believe as to why everything I am saying is invalid. Because you can't possibly be or have been to me, at least, a bad therapist. You're the best, right?

But, I want to believe that you became a therapist because you are deeply empathetic and genuinely care and want to help people. And, I hope that this is true. And, if it is true, I hope that you will actually hear what I am saying and acknowledge privately to yourself that you acted improperly as a therapist to me. I hope you will hear me and care when I say that I have been so deeply hurt, that I will truly never be the same. I hope that matters to you as a therapist. That you can acknowledge that you messed up, learn from it, and never do it again. Examine your boundaries with clients. Question your motivations. I don't mean that yours were malicious; I do not think that you are a bad person. But, when countertransference starts happening, talk honestly and openly to your supervisors rather than concealing what you're doing with or feeling towards/about a client. That's my hope, at least. That you will never hurt someone as you have hurt me again. That you will learn from this, accept it, examine it, and move on a better therapist the next time.

EDIT to add:
Not sending this though.

Maybe I'll just curl up in a ball and crumble into dust and blow away in the wind

thank you t for calling me today.

Dear Info,

I know you're trying to be responsive and supportive, but seriously, I would prefer no response to an email to a one-liner, however nice. My email today was just letting off divorce steam and didn't even need a response. Writing it did the trick of getting it away from me long enough for a productive afternoon and evening.

It's just, having emailed so extensively with No. 3, I got accustomed to her long, thoughtful responses. I don't expect those of you, I've made that clear, but the discrepancy between the two of you in this is jarring and taking some getting used to, because otherwise you have strong similarities as therapists.

ATAT

I found my therapist is rubbish at responses sometimes. Now I often write "no need to respond" on my emails because it saves me waiting in anticipation of a response and it also saves the risk of a crappy response. I don't know if it would be a useful tactic for you but it certainly helps me.

I'll do the opposite and tell her exactly what I want to hear back... please tell me x; this last email I said please tell me I know and that it's ok. A few times I've said no need to reply.

I sometimes do that too actually. I rarely just leave him to use his own initiative.

Hi T,

You're back at work today. I feel torn about seeing you tomorrow. Ashamed. Guilty for still needing you. For not getting better faster. For being a pain in the a... I'm stubborn as hell, aren't I?

Sunday... Gosh I felt so normal on Sunday. I actually wanted to do something else than laying in bed all day. I wanted to get up and learn things. My limbs didn't feel too heavy. I was able to think clearly. All the fogginess, unrealness was gone for a day. I didn't feel happy, but I felt ok. I had energy to actually do stuff. I wish I could feel like that everyday. Life would be so much easier. Life could be less of a constant battle.

That thought makes me sad T. Why can't I feel like this all the time? Don't I deserve this? Do you feel like that most of the time and can't imagine how I am feeling? What am I doing wrong on my normal days?

Seeing you means that I have issues, that my feelings and perceptions are the problem. I don't want that. I can just be like yesterday. If I just had enough self control, less self pity...

Maybe you should work with someone who can get better? Who can benefit more from seeing you?

Who isn't completely amazed by having one ok day in a eternity...

I came to realize that I trust you. Also that you can hurt me. I don't want you to have this power. That's scary.

Confused me

Do you even know how often I walked over the point of "I can't do this anymore"?!?

You: I can't use the word "love" with you
Also you: I can give you love

Why did you say that?? It was the best moment of the year anyway...But it's impossible that you love me. It can't be true.

I can see something in your eyes... But i'm not sure what is it.

I told you I love you, but do you know how much?

Hi Demunie,
Stubbornness has kept you alive, kept you going. Me too, and so I'm really an expert at telling my T "This doesn't work for me, that doesn't work for me."

You deserve that, so much. You deserve to feel MORE than not OK, MORE than "just OK". Your pdoc and your T shouldn't be settling.

https://letsqueerthingsup.com/2017/0...ouldnt-either/

You deserve better. You do. I really believe your pdoc is so very negligent and not doing her job. She could have offered you a genetic test to find out what meds would work, for instance. She could actually give a dang and not forget key things about you. She's such a...poor clinician.

Demuine, STOP. CBT seems to preach that mantra, that it's our thoughts, feelings, perceptions that are wrong and need adjusting. That's one reason why I prefer a trauma informed approach: When painful things happen, or our basic needs weren't met adequately, we develop schemas about ourselves. Very ingrained sets of thoughts, feelings, behaviour which are very hard to change. BECAUSE in our formative years as children and teens, they were TRUE. And if you're still in an invalidating and unhealthy environment (like I am, for example), it's not easy to unlearn these schemas. Especially as they perpetuate themselves and so they get reinforced over and over again.

Proof that you need a good, skilled, trauma informed therapist. In my opinion. You DO deserve help, care, support, therapy. GOOD therapy and a GOOD psychiatrist. I really feel you're being let down.
I hear you, and I have those fears too, with my T. It's scary isn't it? *hugs* *offers blanket*

Dear T,

I see you tomorrow... then in the same week I see LGBTQ T.

I don't know what I'm hoping for, for you to tell me again with such gentleness "You are worthy no matter what you bring to the table"?

I messaged you that I have unwanted erotic transference. Please don't be disgusted. I struggle with enough internalised LGBTQphobia.

Hi T,

Today's session wasn't that helpfull to me. I'm sorry. You think I'm not lost. I know I am. I know me longer than you know me. If it has been like this for years,... Can it really change?

I just don't know what to do anymore. There just isn't any hope. Not everyone gets better. There are plenty of people who are their whole life depressive. I've just got unlucky by having so many unhelpfull T's since I started with therapy. And now it's too late.

Dear MC,
Nervous about seeing you today after what I shared. I mean, deep down, I know it will be OK, but...
Hope to see you in 5 hours,
LT

C,
It's been a really rough week. I know that this will only be our 3rd session, but I really need to come away from this one feeling safe and like I have somewhere I can go that isn't S (exT). Though I won't admit it to you yet, I have already begun to trust and attach to you. When I am struggling at night, I reassure myself with the knowledge that I will be in your office again and that I can contact you right then if I am truly in crisis. i'm not ready to share this with you; I want you to earn every tiny admission of my trust. I want to be ready to flee for a while longer should I see any sign of this being a repeat of S. But, so far, it's quite different, and I am grateful.

Please help me explore and talk today. I come in every week and get so overwhelmed by all that I have inside me that I don't know where to begin or what to say. I just need a little help and direction.

I still don't know what half of what you said even means. And l don't know why you were so damn silent. To the point where I was laughing it was so ludicrous. Wtf is happening?

Kinda wish I'd scheduled for this week - now that I have a funeral to go to during my trip too. Sadness at the loss of a great man who was an important person in my life. I feel like it is important that I am there seeing how the timing of his death just before and funeral coinciding w my trip and all. I can handle this on my own, though. Nothing you could really do anyway. I'll see you after I get back and share about it then.

Dear New T,

I think I'm gonna cancel this week's appointment and see where I'm at in a few weeks. You get me, but the reflection that you offer back isn't enough. I won't be challenged, I can already sense it.

I wish I could take the money the insurance will send you and use it to buy books about attachment, instead. I might get more insight that way.

I'm still getting over last T and I'm feeling ambivalent about you already. We're not as good of a fit as I thought you were. And there was absolutely no reason for you to talk about Freud and Jung's escapades with their patients. Ugh...

Why did you tell me that?

Dear MC,
Sorry for the text. Hope we can talk in the next couple days. I think I just need to get some stuff out. The brief e-mail exchange last week wasn't really enough...You probably aren't surprised though, right? I mean, it is me...you should know how I operate by now. My being smiling and lighthearted in session is me being scared and putting on a bit of a front, too fearful to dive into anything heavier. So...talk soon?
LT

Hi R,

A series of explosive events within my social circle have left me utterly reeling. Nine more sleeps until I can talk all this out with you. Though I shouldn't be by now, I am somewhat surprised by my brain's ability to automatically latch on to feelings and thoughts that are similar to those I had in January 2011, and bring it all back to mind in excruciating detail.



Now, I don't know where to start when I next see you.

Whoooooo are you
Who who
Who who

C,

Thank you.

I could go to urgent care instead of seeing you. That'd be reasonable, wouldn't it?

T
You know I didn't get anything done today right? So it didn't help. I guess there's no help for it. Only thing to do is quit cold turkey. That's the only way to live. I don't know another way. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I have always been stuck in this impossible place. They always made it so.
I could tell you here who they are and what they did. THEY. Him and his cousin. The things they did. That no part can talk about. because they say it didn't happen. But it did.
You wouldn't believe it anyway.