Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How... (Part XXVI)

Im trying to be safe. I really am. I know there are a lot of people who would be traumatized if I...I'm just trying to think about my students. Their lives are hard enough.

Dear Dr. S, Sad and missing you right now. The plan is to email you tonight. Then again, maybe this could all wait until Monday. If you are worried about me, I'd like to update you. But I can manage without emailing you, so I don't know. I can manage.
-me

The guilt over my mother is crushing me again but I'm trying to not contact you and cope with this on my own.

I hurt so badly. I just want the pain to go away.

I am furious with you. An MA does not give you the right to manipulate people around me and destroy my life. Furious is the kindest way I can put it to you.

Maleficent,

I'm coping well on my own. Slept most of the day, re-organized half of my bookshelves (again). Watching our sport. Trying to write, however I'm not finding any inspiration or desire. Basically, I'm wasting time and procrastinating. I took my heavy sleep med last night so that's put me in a non-motivated funk, but I'm still hanging on to being okay even if it is just by my fingernails I'm still not falling..... yet.

EM

I am hoping you find a good t too hope. Having a reliable and caring t has made all the difference for me.

Hi R,

A little over a week until our next session. I'm looking forward to finally being able to breathe. I'm hanging on grimly, because I won't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they stopped me in my tracks. That's exactly what they want.

Intrusive thoughts every night, back to January 2011. I feel like I'm choking on it every time I try to explain, and yet it is vital that I do. All this **** needs to exist somewhere outside my head. I can't share the poems about the detail publicly, so I am working towards submitting some pieces about the emotional impact to a couple of publications anonymously. God knows whether I'll actually have the guts to go through with it, though.

Help me talk next week, please...

Lost

I hope you're ready for tomorrow.

I don't know if I am.

...I'm not.

(((luc)) I hope it goes well. I think this is one of those things where it's fine not to go in 'ready' as in having figured it all out. He owns something of the last session, too, and I hope he's done the reflecting he promised.

My feelings towards you right now:

Maybe I don't need u like I thought

You asked if I can call the clinic to schedule an appointment.
I said yes bcs I really thought so.
But it seems I can't.

I'm surviving without any meds for more than 3 months.
You always say you want me to take meds.


Your meds make me more "real". I don't want to be "real". This world is fake. I just want to go home.
Sorry. I love you. Please don't hate me

Are you safe? Can you email for scheduling?

RoboT,

I've made a mistake. Every time I've opened my email today I'm freaking out because I'm afraid I'm going to get your reply to my email from last night. I wish I wouldn't have asked for referrals now. Just should have said not to contact me. Sigh

(((Daisy)))

Write back now and tell him youre gettin back on that horse!

You could just block his email.

Too late. He apparently emailed me 30 minutes ago and I lack the requisite self control to not read this email.

Pocket riders are reading with ya!!!

Eta - im sorry, i dont know why im so yappy all the time. I musta been a tiny dog in a previous life!

Please don't let this go horribly wrong tomorrow.

I feel like I am being punished. I'm in the middle of individuating, yes, true. If I knew you would text, it wouldn't bother me that you haven't yet. So, who am I? Have you all but given up on me? OH, yeah. I forgot. I'm an adult. With insidious feelings. I forgot to mention that, as it's not obvious. I just want to be obliterated. Poor me B.S.

Dear Dr. S, 23 hours and counting. If you were to say yes, what would it look like, what do I really need/want here? love you, me