[chaotic13]

You all seem to communicate very openly with your T. When I am journaling I often make lists of topics/issues I want to discuss and explore in therapy. I also seem to have no trouble posting stuff here. However, when I get to a session I never raise any of these issues. I’m not sure if this is because the issues are not all that important and I really don’t need to actually talk about them-- maybe writing about them and exploring them in my journal is enough. Or maybe I am just not comfortable enough with my T to actually talk about these issues. During our sessions we end of talking about something else or my brain just goes blank and I can’t seem to find words to say anything. I don’t know if I really have nothing to say or if it is my way of avoiding topics I am uncomfortable with discussing. I’m really second guessing why I chose to go to therapy…maybe I am just unhappy with my life that this point and just need to pick myself up and move on….maybe I don’t have the ability to engage in meaningful conversation… why do I really want to anyway?. I’m really confused about if I am doing therapy correctly. I’m thinking about stopping therapy.

Sorry I have a session tomorrow and I'm just trying to figure out if I really want to go or not.

[Perna]

There is no "correct" way to do therapy. I guess you have to look at what you are doing in therapy, why you are not connecting your journal life and your therapy life. A journal is not enough; it is not a "live" person. We are live people :-) but not in-person, face-to-face and that, as you have seen, makes all the difference.

Were your questions mine, I would write some of the issues from the journal, each on a single 3 x 5 piece of scrap paper and fold them up, put them in a Ziploc bag or hat or bowl, etc. and each time I went to therapy, I'd pick one out and then, first thing, I'd read it aloud to myself and my T and then discuss that. Would be "exciting" and probably scary as heck :-)

[chaotic13]

UGH! That would definitely get the ball rounding in a direct way. I don't think I could do it! I think the fact that I am all tensed up about going tomorrow is not a good sign that I am all better and don't need to go anymore. I've had like 8 sessions now and I just can't chill out and actually talk with her. She is nice, professional, direct, doesn't seem judgmental, seems willing to hear what ever I want to tell her... There is no excuse for it. I really think it is the direct attention that I can't stand, not her personally. It is the fear that I will start a conversation and get uncomfortable and not want to continue it. In a session you can't pass the ball off to someone else or say.. 'excuse me I just saw someone I've been trying to reach all day.. gota go' Logically, I think some of the issues I have are really stupid and if I ever had the guts to express them they would sound even more stupid. However deep down inside I still have them. I think I just really don't want her to know that I am really whacked. Sounds stupid I know.. obviously I'm a nut case otherwise I wouldn't be there in the first place.

[Perna]

We're all "nut cases" including out T's :-) 8 sessions! I went 9 years at a time and it took about 5 or 6 before I go to where I could "chill out and actually talk with her."

Keep going. Figure out the relative weight of things you need to say and start with an "easy" one. She'll probably respond "well" and you can move on from there up the ladder. Just start tomorrow's conversation with the idea that you're having a hard time talking about some things that concern you because you think they're stupid? Or, print out your initial post and "give it" to her. She probably won't discuss it unless you lead the way but she will read it and then you and she will know that she knows :-) That helps a little (for me at least).

[chaotic13]

Thank you wise magnate
If I've learned anything about myself over the past few months it is that I AM SUCH A FREAK'N WIMP! I must just like complaining about my life, because when given the opportunity to fix I sit silently staring at the floor afraid of looking stupid.

Thanks for the encouragement. I programed my phone to prompt me during my session with a text message- "Stop wasting her time-- TALK TO HER about the abuse!"

[ECHOES]

((( mckell13 )))

My T tells me "You're right where you need to be" when I am worrying about not talking, not saying enough, not saying it right, not saying it clearly...

Sometimes the best way through something is to just let it happen. You will get to those things when you are ready and if you aren't ready right now, that's okay.

[Perna]

Ooooh, that doesn't sound like a wimp, the idea to program your phone to help you! That's a wonderful idea! But be nice to yourself! You aren't wasting your T's time.

http://www.brilliant-thoughts.com/cg...wid.cgi?id=603

[sunrise]

mckell, I think you're being really hard on yourself. You hardly know this therapist--8 sessions is not that long. It's understandable if you haven't been able to share something as big and traumatic as abuse with her. I think I was with my T for almost 6 months before I spilled the abuse stuff. He was appalled. I think we both thought we had a really close relationship and he was really taken aback at first that I had kept this important thing from him for so long. I didn't mean to, I just wasn't ready to share. Can you use this early time in therapy to build your relationship with your T? Build trust and sharing with smaller, less consequential stuff. Then when you are ready, you can move on to disclosing the big stuff. Don't rush it. Someone once told me that in therapy no one is ever sorry they waited too long to share something, but a lot of people are sorry if they share too soon, before they are ready.

[chaotic13]

Just wanted to let you all know that your encouragement and insight helped me a bunch today in therapy. The session went well. I did not feel comfortable about raising the abuse issue but I did actually "talk" meaningfully today. My phone prompt worked well. It buzzed me while I was in the mist of small talk. I explained it to her and we both had a moment of comic relief. I believe I made a little progress--small steps are good.

THANKS again!