[granite1]

i cant seem to do anything right with this therapist any more . i think i am and then she gets angry then says she isnt. i feel trapped like i cant say the right thing to make it better . i forgot me payment in the car and didnt realize it until i was already in the waiting room. last month i forgot my check and had to pay her in cash .she didnt seem comfortable with this so i wanted to be sure i had her check .i decided i would go back to my car and get it .this took about 10 minutes.i called her and told her what i was doing .i was so frustrated and angry with myself .i had the check in my hand and when i saw her i said i was sorry and went in the office .i tried to hand her the check saying here take this before i forget again . i guess this was the complete wrong thing to do . we ended up wasting the whole session with her telling how wrong i was . she was so angry but when i asked her why she was yelling at me she said she wasnt . i tried to apologize but she would have nothing to do with that saying that being sorry isnt what it was about . she kept saying i was throwing the payment in her face,like it was all about the money for her . i told her i was sorry and that was not what i intended and that i didnt think that of her .but through the session she kept saying i was throwing the payment in her face . i didnt mean to but she wouldnt believe me . i know she accepts less from me then she charges i never thought she was all about the money. i never wanted it to be this was why i wanted to just pay her and move on .she said there is a time and place for payment and that is at the end of the session .she was so stern about all of this and so stern throughout the whole session .i felt scolded and scared and belittled . it felt just like it was my mother .if i dared open my mouth it was going to be wrong and fuel the fire .she said that i could learn from this . that it is not about the money and if i forgot the payment that she was not going to just throw me out . i didnt think she was i just felt horrible about forgetting it .if she had just taken it i would have stopped worrying and we could have had a session instead of wasting the whole time dealing with this . she was saying my panic was about thinking she would turn me away . that it is coming from my childhood and how the mother treated me . true i want to do things right .why is that bed . she was so angry . all i wanted to do was apologize but she wouldnt let me . so i said that i felt she deserved her pay and that i know she works hard for it and i like to make sure she gets it . she even turned that back on me .like i said i could say nothing right. she said that sounds again like she thinks im a horrible person to work with and that she realy has to work hard and doesnt care about me .she then said sternly. when are you going to let that attitude about yourself go . umm this is why im in therapy, right ? she was just so stern and angry through the whole session . all i did was sob .i was waiting for her to put me down for that also but she didnt .she told me i was human and i didnt have to be perfect .it was not a big deal if i forgot .she trusted me and if she had to wait a week for payment it was not a big deal .but once again she said it was about me not trusting her to not turn me away if i wasnt good . i dont understand why it is such a big deal to her that i dont want her to think im stupid ,useless, and miserable to work for . i hate myself so much

[unaluna]

Its like free floating

Oh granite I feel for you so much. I'm sorry your session went like that when you were just in good faith trying to do what you thought was right. I get the "it felt just like it was my mother" part that's what started the current mess I'm in with my t is that something she said sounded and felt just like my mother and I reacted badly. I'm so sorry she made you feel like that. You've done such amazing work with this t it really sucks that she didn't see where you were coming from. Sending hugs and healing light to you granite.

[BonnieJean]

How frustrating that must have been for you!

[UglyDucky]

Unaluna~~What's free floating?

[granite1]

i cant sleep this session keeps going through my head . i know a lot of these horrible feelings are coming from my past . all i can feel about it is how i felt with the mother and it is just playing itself out in my head over and over again .all the confusion of doing something wrong . honestly thinking i was doing something nice or right and to find out it was dreadfully wrong with dire consequences . you cant get away from it . apologies and sorry are not accepted. explanations are not accepted or believed.turned around and distorted into something more horrible. confused about what i did that was so horrible and inexcusable. terrified and stuck.if i spoke it was bad if i didnt an answer was demanded and then turned around unaccepted and punished severely. i was trapped in a spiral i had no way of getting out of .all i could do was to wait it out . accept once again some how i had screwed up and i just wasnt going to be able to make it right . the punishment would come to an end but the devastation would keep on . the
disappointment held on along with confusion about everything that just happened . although the punishment was over ,whatever that might have been.maybe a beating,being made fun of ,left in my room for days .the shame and complete disappointment i felt in myself and my utter failure just staid with me . this is how i felt in session on Thursday and i still do now .all this is staying with me .i cont talk to her about it because she just wont accept it .just like the mother . if i ever told her all this i could see her getting so angry . i was just this little girl being shamed into submission . you were so wrong, this is how it is done and this is how it will be done . i did something that i thought would make things right.i was wrong but it didnt hurt anything .i saw her reaction as coming out of the blue,a set up just like the mother . creating something horrible and punishable out of something i thought was right .

[Amyjay]

I am so sorry you are having to live through your childhood hell all over again like this. I do too. Today I just had awful flashbacks all day.
It happened in the past. Right now in this moment you are safe. I hope you can calm yourself enough to sleep. You are safe right now.

[granite1]

thanks amyjay.i so didnt feel safe at all in that session . i dont know how to explain it to her without her getting more angry at me . saying it is me protecting on to her or something . i am feeling a bit better now .i just woke up in a complete panic . im going to craft today and hide in my craft room .that usually helps

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

Unaluna~~What's free floating?

What i meant was - for granite to trust her t - to not bring in the check for the payment - would have felt like floating away in space.

Granite is there any way you can show your t what you wrote here? You explained how you felt so well here. You are doing amazing work and I feel so much good in you and wish love and healing from my heart to yours.

[granite1]

art i dont think she will accept this at all at this point .

[feileacan]

That all sounds very horrible. Looks like the therapist cannot tolerate your experiences and cannot contain her own anxiety. I'm not familiar with your story but is there a particular reason you go back to this therapist who doesn't have enough self awareness to see that she is enacting the trauma with you again?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by granite1

art i dont think she will accept this at all at this point .

I don't think your job is to wonder if she will accept your feelings or not. I think your job is to tell her how you feel. I agree that you expressed it very clearly in your post. Your T needs to know she retraumatized you and if reading or giving her a printout of what you wrote here will do that, it's important. She's a good T, but sometimes she doesn't seem to be on the same wavelength as you are. T's aren't mind-readers. I think it would be helpful for you to be totally honest with her so you can continue the amazing work you've been doing. You have accomplished a lot in therapy, granite!!!

[stopdog]

Is it possible that the therapist wasn't really mad or upset but was simply Conley responding to you and you always see it like she's responding like your mother did

[stopdog]

calmly not Conley