Clarity-finally :)

What a whirlwind it has been for me lately as seen by my posts!

I had a session last week that I hadn't fully processed but with the help of my T during last session, a friend and my own thoughts, here is the main learning point for me:

First and foremost, T does care about me so I can stop having him prove it to me over and over again. What he has done needs to be enough and that is because IT IS ENOUGH. I'll explain:

I want to be connected with him and we are, it's not going to be every session and it shouldn't be either (at least for me). He's proven that in different ways in our sessions through out the past year and a half.

One of which was having me watch a movie that clearly is how he and I interact for the most part. It was very educational and entertaining too. Something I can hold on to forever. He told me another session that I had him, he'd be there for me and he has been.

This recent session, I really pushed at him thinking he would just tell me to leave. One of my normal defense mechanisms...he didn't though and for a second I focused on his eyes and not his words, they still had that warm look about them toward me and that is when I lost it and the crying began and seemed to never end.

We talked some about idealization, valuing/devaluing and I've researched some of this. Of course, he hits the mark and I've been this way with many significant people in my life.

He said that when someone I'm close to disappoints me, it is very painful for me. I've thought a lot about this and looked back over past sessions when I thought T disappointed me and what I did after those sessions. Eeek!! All sorts of acting out whether it was spending related or some other self destructive behavior but I did it.

When I felt connected and we had one of those sessions, I was doing fine between sessions. So, now I realize that no one can fill my needs all of the time. And should they anyway? How does that help me become independent and strong on my own?

So, I've carved out the recent destructive stuff in my life which wasn't that hard to do.

I think I can move forward now, I'm not as stuck as I was before...I'm nowhere near close to terminating therapy but I feel more positive about the direction it is going in.

I hope it stays this way but we all know, that one little curve ball could throw me off course

What great insights! What was the movie he had you watch?

Educating Rita w/Michael Caine...if you watch this you'll see me and my T...pretty much.

He first suggested this I thought because he saw the parallels between the Rita character and myself...but then once the movie progressed I saw that connection and much more.

We talked about it one session and had some laughs over the similarities of he and I which is also why he said to watch it.

Thank you for sharing the movie title (and yourself); I just ordered it from Amazon, it does sound good with Michael Caine and all. I rarely watch movies and don't rent them at all, buy them if they look interesting then give them to friends or family (son and daughter-in-law).

My T liked "Cider House Rules" and my husband and I went to see it and it was very upsetting to me and my husband didn't like it at all :-) That's usually what happened when my T suggested movies or books, she and I had 85% different tastes. She was surprised, but not as much as I was, when she discovered she and I had taken the same sailing lessons at the same school :-) I couldn't/can't picture her learning to sail. It was a refreshing/relief for me to try as it made her seem more down-to-earth somehow and less "formal" to me.

Thanks Perna...I'll be taking my movie with me when I go away for a weekend seminar soon.

Cider House Rules...I'll have to look that up!

Hi Almeda,

It's teriffic that you had such a gratifying session. I'm happy for you that you are not quitting therapy just yet!

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I hope it stays this way but we all know, that one little curve ball could throw me off course

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Oh, I think your are not alone in this! I feel that way often, in fact I feel that way now also.

Take care.

Love it!!

Peace

Wonderful -- I'm so glad. You certainly deserved some peace around this issue!!

That's great, Almeda. It seems as though you are really becoming aware and you are ready to move forward. But remember-- forward means backwards and stationary sometimes, too. And that's completely okay.

Yay, for clarity! You have come to some amazing insights, almedafan.

I remember watching Educating Rita when it first came out, and actually I remember not liking it much! I may have to watch it again.

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for a second I focused on his eyes and not his words, they still had that warm look about them toward me and that is when I lost it and the crying began and seemed to never end

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Ahhhhh. I love that you saw his true meaning when you looked in his eyes. He really does care about you.

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He said that when someone I'm close to disappoints me, it is very painful for me. I've thought a lot about this and looked back over past sessions when I thought T disappointed me and what I did after those sessions.

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I think it is very, very painful when our T's disappoint us, more so than when other people do. We spend each week spilling our guts to them and letting them really get to know us, so it is so very painful when it doesn't go well. I guess the trick is to learn to deal with that disappointment and not be self destructive afterwards, or whatever disfunctional behavior one tends to engage in. For me, it is being depressed. If I have a bad session, I will get depressed. It took me a long time to discern this pattern. I would just think I was getting depressed and not know why, until I connected the dots.

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So, I've carved out the recent destructive stuff in my life which wasn't that hard to do.

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That is amazing progress. Good for you! You make it sound almost easy--what can't you do now?

Almeda, Your post hit home so much for me. The part about learning to not be disappointed when T or someone lets us down is exactly where I am at the moment and didn't even have the words for that until yesterday and today reading your post makes it so much clearer. I am so pleased for you that you've reached this place. Thanks for sharing about it, it gives one hope.

Thanks everyone! I'm still feeling the same way I have my p-doc at lunch time and T at 7:00pm tomorrow night.

Sunny, thank you for your insights, couldn't have been done without you

Pink, I know what you mean. Somehow I feel better able to handle things regarding T but I guess time will tell. That last session, something clicked with me. I think too when my dad said to me while he visited 'why isn't anything I do for you enough?' why do I have to prove my love over and over...well that helped put this in perspective too.

Mouse, I'm glad you feel a connection with some of what I learned too. Learning to deal with disappointment, an interesting concept eh?