[junkDNA]

My therapists wife wrote on one of our mutual friends Facebook that she is pregnant with a boy and wrote what T and her are going to name it.. And the name is after Ts deceased mom.

TMI!!!!!

I am not friends with her on Facebook but because we have this mutual friend on there I saw her comment

I feel lots of things. Jealousy is the main one. Jealousy for his baby. That he will have great loving parents. That he will be set up in life with love and positiveness. Unlike me... Who was dealt a bad hand from the deck at the start.

Are these feelings wrong or bad??? I feel guilty for being jealous

I am happy for my therapist as I know he wants a child of his own and will make a great dad

But the pang of jealousy hurts. The hole in me that didn't get loving parents when I needed it the most is there. It really touches on that longing and craving for a paternal figure

Also realizing T is changing and will change further. And will he take an extended leave when the baby is born. And am I not important anymore... Like I was.

t has not mentioned ANYTHING to me. And i feel awkward bringing it up bc he hasn't. But i want to talk about it

Anyone have any advice?

[LonesomeTonight]

I think you should definitely bring it up to your T. You've also seen his wife at their house, and she was noticeably pregnant, right? So T is likely expecting you to ask about it. (He really should have told you himself though.)

I don't think your feelings are bad. I think it's totally natural to feel jealous. (I mean, I've felt jealous of MC's kids.) And I'm sure your T would understand. It's definitely better to talk about it. Both your jealousy and fears of T changing and your being less important. And you could find out how long he's planning to be on leave, too. I think he'd definitely want you to talk about it.

[SilentMelodee]

Although my T has adult kids, I've found myself recently starting to feel the same way. I have a hard time thinking of my T as "just a T," I feel like I want her as part of my life. And it hurts. Really bad.

[ElectricManatee]

I don't think your feelings are bad or wrong at all. I am sometimes jealous of my T's kids, and they are not even babies anymore. But I would love to have had even one parent like my T when I was a kid. (Or even to just have a parent like her now!) I don't think she is a perfect parent, but I do think she listens to them and cares about them and wants to encourage their healthy development. How could anybody not want that for themselves, especially if they never got it when they should have?

I do think you should talk to your T about your feelings. You found out in a pretty innocuous way, and it sounds like you already had some hints that she was pregnant anyway. I would feel burdened by getting all that information about the baby, especially if I heard it all at once when I wasn't expecting it and from somebody besides my T. Talk about your concerns about things changing, ask about paternity leave, tell him all the stuff that's coming up for you. Your access to your T might not change as much as you think it will, and regardless I think you will be more settled if you know what is coming.

I don't know if this is relevant or if you're interested, but I ran across a book once called something like Awaiting the Therapist's Baby that had some interesting thoughts about how clients respond to therapists expecting babies. It was more about pregnant women, but I think the same feelings would be relevant to dads. It was one of those Google Books preview things.

[captgut]

It doesn't matter that he hasn't mention. If it bothers you, you should bring it up. Even if you left a listening device in his house and heard something bothering, you can bring it up.

I told T about something really disturbing I saw on his VK page. I know I shouldn't have looked through his page. But I did, and so I told him. He was totally ok with that.

Your feelings are not wrong or bad. I feel extremely jealous of T's baby. I feel that I'm not important too.

[Erebos]

Hey JD, I haven't posted for a while but this is important.
First of all I don't think any of your feelings are unjustified, this is the only person you have been able to rely on your whole life who has wanted nothing but good things for you.
I really believe you should bring this up with your T, knowing him as I do, through you I think he probably does want to talk to you about it and maybe just hasn't either worked out how, or when. Because this is his stuff and it's never been his style to put his stuff out there.
Don't this fester, also I wanted to add I raised my ex partners kids along with my own, I didn't love or care about th any less when partner an I had kids of our own. Nor did I care about our baby more.
Your Doesn't strike me as the sort to forget about you guys have worked so hard together it's not something you can simply replace.
I know jealousy doesn't simply disappear, but I promise your T will still make mistakes like all parents do. Often times not being related but in stones care can be the better place to be.

Take care.

[stopdog]

I think those people realize that some clients will have some response. Most of the links are about a female therapist - but I don't see why the idea would not be similar for a male one of those guys.

The Therapist's Pregnancy
http://www.womencarecounseling.com/p...-Pregnancy.pdf
http://iahip.org/inside-out/issue-50...nant-therapist
https://natashashapiroarttherapy.wor...erence-part-1/

[skeksi]

I have felt jealousy for my T's family. I think it is natural for those of us who grew up in families that were not always safe and supportive. It's still painful to experience, though.

If it puts your mind at ease, when I started with T his kid was a baby. He has always been stable and available. I actually get some comfort from it--I know he needs a continuous income stream and therefore has incentive to work steadily!

Talking with your T about your concerns will help.

[Amyjay]

Oh yuck, that's hard. My T is pregnant and only has a few weeks left before she goes on leave. its hard.
Do you know if your t is going on extended leave or are you guessing? He may not be taking off as much time as you thi

[toomanycats]

Your feelings are absolutely normal. Any one of us would likely feel exactly the same. (I know I would.)

I do want to reassure you that you ARE important still and always will be. No, you are not your T's child. Yes, your T's child will mean something to your T that is different than what you mean to him. But, your T's child will not replace you. The feelings your T has towards his child will not take away from his feelings towards you. In fact, I would guess that, ultimately, it will do the opposite. I know that having my child has softened me so much towards all people. It's brought about new understanding of how vulnerable we are as children and how horrible it is for someone to abuse that vulnerability. It has made me more furious at those who hurt children. It has made me more protective of those I care about.

I would strongly encourage you to talk about this with your T if you can. I know that it hurts in a very exquisitely tender spot. I believe that you and your T can get through this and even be better for it. HUGS.

[feralkittymom]

I think when we've grown up experiencing love and care as only conditional at best, it can be difficult to believe that someone can hold feelings for different people at the same time. It isn't a zero sum game where feelings for one have to take away from another. In the depths of my T's grief, he could still be happy for me--that stunned me.

Talk to him. I suspect he's been waiting for you to express these feelings.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think when we've grown up experiencing love and care as only conditional at best, it can be difficult to believe that someone can hold feelings for different people at the same time. It isn't a zero sum game where feelings for one have to take away from another. In the depths of my T's grief, he could still be happy for me--that stunned me.

Talk to him. I suspect he's been waiting for you to express these feelings.

I often try to remind myself that T can care about more than one person at a time

Thank you for the reminder

[junkDNA]

I texted him last night about it.

I also suspect he is waiting for me to bring it up. I know he waits for me to say something with certain things to make sure I feel ready to discuss it

I feel awkward and embarrassed just thinking abt bringing it up tho

I wish he would.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

My therapists wife wrote on one of our mutual friends Facebook that she is pregnant with a boy and wrote what T and her are going to name it.. And the name is after Ts deceased mom.

TMI!!!!!

I am not friends with her on Facebook but because we have this mutual friend on there I saw her comment

I feel lots of things. Jealousy is the main one. Jealousy for his baby. That he will have great loving parents. That he will be set up in life with love and positiveness. Unlike me... Who was dealt a bad hand from the deck at the start.

Are these feelings wrong or bad??? I feel guilty for being jealous

I am happy for my therapist as I know he wants a child of his own and will make a great dad

But the pang of jealousy hurts. The hole in me that didn't get loving parents when I needed it the most is there. It really touches on that longing and craving for a paternal figure

Also realizing T is changing and will change further. And will he take an extended leave when the baby is born. And am I not important anymore... Like I was.

t has not mentioned ANYTHING to me. And i feel awkward bringing it up bc he hasn't. But i want to talk about it

Anyone have any advice?

Maybe you should self censor on this event. If he brings it up, you can talk a little. Otherwise it's just prudent to respect his privacy. you are feeling like a sibling, it seems to me. Sibling rivalry. :/

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Maybe you should self censor on this event. If he brings it up, you can talk a little. Otherwise it's just prudent to respect his privacy. you are feeling like a sibling, it seems to me. Sibling rivalry. :/

I don't see how JDNA talking about her feelings invades his privacy at all. Any feelings which arise in the relationship deserve to be explored.
JDNA- I agree with the other posters who say he likely is expecting you to bring it up. He knows you've been through a lot lately and probably doesn't want to bring it into the room if you're not ready.
You've done nothing wrong and your feelings are okay. I bet it will be a weight off both your minds when you finally discuss it!

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

I don't see how JDNA talking about her feelings invades his privacy at all. Any feelings which arise in the relationship deserve to be explored.
JDNA- I agree with the other posters who say he likely is expecting you to bring it up. He knows you've been through a lot lately and probably doesn't want to bring it into the room if you're not ready.
You've done nothing wrong and your feelings are okay. I bet it will be a weight off both your minds when you finally discuss it!

I went to a therapist for 7 years. It helped for self esteem. But we had very strong boundaries. Anything she did not bring up about her life was off limits, and I respected my t's boundaries and she respected mine. Maybe I'm a relic of a distant age, but she never hugged me, etc. The most physical contact we ever had was when I saw her at her summer cottage, when she gave me a couple of home grown squash.

Sorry to be a dissenting voice here.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I went to a therapist for 7 years. It helped for self esteem. But we had very strong boundaries. Anything she did not bring up about her life was off limits, and I respected my t's boundaries and she respected mine. Maybe I'm a relic of a distant age, but she never hugged me, etc. The most physical contact we ever had was when I saw her at her summer cottage, when she gave me a couple of home grown squash.

Sorry to be a dissenting voice here.

If your and your T's way of doing therapy worked for you then great, but the wider context of JD's therapy is quite important here I think.

[toomanycats]

It's one thing to have boundaries.
But, sometimes, we accidentally find things out about our Ts (or we do on purpose - either way - this wasn't intentional).
When that happens, we're allowed to bring it up. Period.
Boundaries are not for the client to worry about anyways. That's the T's job.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

If your and your T's way of doing therapy worked for you then great, but the wider context of JD's therapy is quite important here I think.

I agree. I also think respecting somebody's boundaries means different things for different people. What is off-limits for one person or relationship might be completely fine for another person or relationship. I try to respect my T's boundaries, but I know that she would want me to bring up questions or concerns I had about something like a pregnancy, particularly when it has the potential to disrupt therapy. Based on the way jDNA has described her T, it seems like he would similarly welcome talking about and working through how the new baby might impact her and their relationship.

[bounceback]

It is normal to feel jealous. All of your feelings are valid. I want you to keep in mind that you are seeing your therapist at his very best. You dont see his ugly side because it isn't ethical for him to be focusing on himself up in session. You may think he might be a great father and the baby is lucky but like I said you don't know what he is really like. There are plenty of people who had therapists for parents and are pretty screwed up. Talk to some people on this site who are married to therapists. They will tell you that therapists can be just as screwed up or even worse than we are. You are the lucky one because you get 100% of his attention in session.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I agree. I also think respecting somebody's boundaries means different things for different people. What is off-limits for one person or relationship might be completely fine for another person or relationship. I try to respect my T's boundaries, but I know that she would want me to bring up questions or concerns I had about something like a pregnancy, particularly when it has the potential to disrupt therapy. Based on the way jDNA has described her T, it seems like he would similarly welcome talking about and working through how the new baby might impact her and their relationship.

I completely agree. In my case, with my marriage counselor, when I figured out that his wife was sick (complicated story), I did ask him about it. And he said it was OK, that if it was potentially affecting me/the therapy, it was OK to bring up. That I could ask him anything--he might choose not to answer--but asking the question was OK. When I later learned that she'd passed away, he was similarly open to discussing it.

I had a thread on here about when I first learned she was sick, how to handle it. A few posters were very judgmental and harsh to me. I mentioned to MC how some people said I should just "leave the poor man alone" (which is what someone said). But MC said it was up to him, not what other people thought. That he was OK with me talking/asking about it. He wasn't mad, didn't think I was being selfish or intruding or any of that. (Or if he did, he lied and hid his reactions very well.) I think much of it comes down to how a T presents themselves (MC does lots of self-disclosure, generally relevant to what we're talking about) and what the client's relationship with them is like as to whether it's an appropriate topic. Honestly, in my opinion. a T should be OK with a client asking about personal stuff--they can always choose not to answer. It's the T's responsibility to hold boundaries (as they see fit), not the client's.

In JDNA's case, I think her relationship with her T is such that it's definitely OK to talk about the pregnancy and what feelings/concerns it brings up.

[junkDNA]

Thanks everyone for the replies

I see T on Sunday at noon but now I don't wanna

I feel I am obsessed with him and want to discontinue because it causes me distress

And he is the source of A LOT of my paranoia which is flaring up right now

Anyway if I do go see him I def won't bring this up then. He might. Idk. I did text him about it

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

Thanks everyone for the replies

I see T on Sunday at noon but now I don't wanna

I feel I am obsessed with him and want to discontinue because it causes me distress

And he is the source of A LOT of my paranoia which is flaring up right now

Anyway if I do go see him I def won't bring this up then. He might. Idk. I did text him about it

Do you think it would help you to talk to him about your fear that you're obsessed with him? I know for me anyway, it helps to talk about it. For me, in general, holding obsessive thoughts inside just makes them intensify. It might be different for you though.

If he brings up the pregnancy, you can always just say you don't want to talk about it.