Done With T

And, I shall be content if I could ever fully lay claim to being a mathematicaster even

I agree that you're doing what your programming has taught you to do (to get your needs met). Do you constantly scan your environment for what's safe? Do you pick up on energy quite well? Do you notice every little thing about a person's mannerisms, voice inflection, posture, etc.?

Maybe these "tests" are to see what is safe and what is not, even if the tests are in the favor of the person failing? Dipping your toe in the water, to see how deep you can go, if you will.

Are you going from one extreme to the other? You were pissed and confident in your decision, now it's all your fault and you're manipulative? Only you know the answer to this. There must be a shade of grey in there...not all black and white. Now is a chance for emotional regulation and to meet yourself in the middle.

I am not worthy!!

Oh god all of this. Every last bit of it. (This is why I think BPD could be a viable diagnosis, but whatever.)

So in a final update, I called him (because his email said specifically to call) and I said I'd agree to our session on Saturday. We'll see how it goes. He texted me back saying he got my voicemail and that he was happy to hear I'd come.

I don't know that I believe him. Oh well.

My experience with retiring t:

When my exT announced that he was going to retire, I pretty much freaked out. He gave lots of notice, was more than willing for me to come in, session after session, and berate him and talk about how he was hurting me and try to figure out some way to get him to continue to see me. This went on for months. I thought that I needed to see it through, as I have been pretty successful at running from hurtful things in the past. However, eventually he agreed that each session was just re-traumatizing me and that it made sense to terminate. I came for one last session-I did some testing with him prior to this decision and I wanted to hear what he had to say about the testing. My last session was spent talking about the testing. At the end, he asked if this was my last session, I told him yes. That was it.

I found a new T who has been immensely, hugely more helpful. After about 6 months, I called exT, asked some questions that were still rattling around in my head. After about 12 months, I learned that he had not yet retired (despite his plan to do so)-and I was actually happy that I had stopped with him when I did because new T was/is so much better for me.

For me, it was helpful to ride the anger ala Una to be done with the relationship. I think it is only natural to start pulling away when t announces they are "leaving". I don't know that there is a right way to do this-I do know that it is very painful and confusing. Especially with him seeming disconnected lately.

I hope a course becomes clear to you.

Daisy, I can sympathize with your feeling like a failure (Ive been there a lot myself), but feeling like a failure is not he same as being a failure. You clearly have tried to make the relationship work, but the responsibility for the relationship lies as least as much on his shoulders as on yours. Psychiatric diagnoses are imperfect attempts by imperfect human beings to oversimplify (often so that they feel they understand when they really don't) the complexities of human nature. They can be painful -- understandably, since they are oversimplifications and therefore inaccurate. Your email to your T is very well-expressed and adult. A time when you are going through a lot in your personal and professional life is a time when a good T should focus on supporting you through that difficult time. If instead, he's just adding complications to your life, it is indeed time to end the relationship.

Thank you for your thoughts, Mary. I won't say that he isn't adding to my life's complications, because he is. But he was able to explain his why he made the decisions he did in a way that didn't make me hate him more.

I think what I needed to hear was that he wanted to continue to work with me. That my perception of what we were doing was accurate.

Funny enough, I went back and read my in session post from a few weeks ago and I said in that post that my first inclination was to run. And that's what I tried to do.

Thanks for all of your input and perspective, PC. You guys have been invaluable to me as I've gone through this. The next few months will be hard, but I'm feeling like I can get through it.