Done With T

Are you going to be okay with it if the therapist just writes back with a few referrals and does not ask you to come back?

I keep thinking about this, and it makes perfect sense to me that you're having such a hard time with your T while a premature termination is looming on the horizon. I would be feeling the exact same way if I knew my T was going to be unavailable to me before I really felt like I was ready to be done. I think the most puzzling thing is that your T doesn't seem to recognize this and/or doesn't understand how to help you through it. That alone makes me think it might be time to try to wind down with him and/or transition to somebody new. The only thing that is helpful to me, sometimes, is my T's seemingly supernaturally steady presence and availability. If she couldn't offer me that anymore, I'm not sure I would want anything from her at all. That's the whole trick of the attachment work.

I'm just not sure where it all went wrong.

You're right, it does make sense. I wasn't really cognizant of the depths of my attachment injuries when I started working with roboT. Had I been, I would have found a different therapist as soon as I knew he'd be depaneling. I wanted it to work in spite of this, because we developed a good rapport quickly and he understood my struggles. But chalk this up to a lesson learned. I'll be looking for a younger therapist in the future.

Why do you think a younger therapist would be different?

I hope you find the sort that can help you - just not getting the age part of it.

From my observations, attachment work is a longer process, and my inclination naturally is to gravitate toward older clinicians. I just don't want to pick someone next time only to find out 5 sessions in that they're retiring really soon.

If I were you, I might try to shoot for somebody middle-aged. There is the risk of retirement with an older T, but there is also risk associated with inexperience with a younger T. You want somebody who has the experience to know themselves and whether they can handle working with intense attachment stuff, and you want somebody with the wisdom to know that they shouldn't make promises they can't keep. I think some of the biggest, most disruptive damage happens when the client gets in too deep with a therapist who doesn't have the skills to keep them both safe.

From my observations, attachment work is a longer process, and my inclination naturally is to gravitate toward older clinicians. I just don't want to pick someone next time only to find out 5 sessions in that they're retiring really soon.

Age doesn't always mean experience though. It didn't with my first therapist and he hurt me badly, largely due to his inexperience.

I agree and I don't. The therapeutic relationship is inherently outside of reality, but it's still real in the sense that both the therapist and the client are real people with real emotions. So while it could easily be a distortion, it could also be used to illuminate patterns of behavior or interaction that are worth looking at.

I found that therapy certainly brought out real stuff, but was more fantasy-based than not. Most of the time it was about as relevant to real-life as acting in a play.

My main point was that failing at one of these pseudo-relationships hardly seems compelling evidence for some personality "disorder", nor confirmation of anything real necessarily.

eta: As for what is supportive or not, seems like challenging professionals in a position of power is more supportive than affirming their dubious diagnoses and pronouncements, but not everyone sees it that way.

I found that therapy certainly brought out real stuff, but was more fantasy-based than not. Most of the time it was about as relevant to real-life as acting in a play.

My main point was that failing at one of these pseudo-relationships hardly seems compelling evidence for some personality "disorder", nor confirmation of anything real necessarily.

eta: As for what is supportive or not, seems like challenging professionals in a position of power is more supportive than affirming their dubious diagnoses and pronouncements, but not everyone sees it that way.

Oh FFS.

I...I don't know. Ugh I hate myself for even considering going back.

I totally do not understand you. Even more than everybody here does not understand me!


From my vantage point, let me say, you cant avoid pain. The old saying, god never gives us more than we can handle. Or the serenity prayer. And you dont want to hit bottom, if you can help it. It takes too long to crawl back up and out. Altho - if thats your path, then hey, thats your path, right? I think thats why i never had an idea of what my 50's were gonna be like. They were my lost decade.

Here's the part that gets me. "I take your concerns seriously. I am sorry if I conveyed that I don't in some way..."



So I'm not sure how he didn't convey that he doesn't take me seriously. I don't care what his intent was. He was in the wrong.