Tricks

why did I think that T is one minute being caring, and the next being cold and witholding? I feel like my head is flashing in and out...its going in and out....

Yeah, that's why "They" invented reality-testing I suppose. I never did too well with that.

http://tinyurl.com/35s5j5

sometimes i feel like that. I wonder why i have to ask for the support. Does that mean she doesnt love mee. I know sometimes this is her way of helping me be more functional in real life; however, I feel so isolated ./ My mom was very witholding and it was so painful, so maybe this is why i see it alot.

If I known I'd feel like this I don't know if I would have entered T. But that other rational part of me keeps saying, "this is already inside of you, its not been put there by therapy".

My head tells me I became an alcoholic for some reason, not because my inner world was happy, joyous and free, even though I've made myself believe that plenty.

I feel just a bit more balanced today and am afraid of friday incase I get all stirred up again.

I feel like someone has died unyet there is no body to mourn for, not understanding of who or what I'm mourning for, no story to put my feelings into context.

I've never felt so unable to concentrate, my family feel so distant from me, I feel like I've been catupulted into another dimension, and I'm thinking this is so unfamilar to me where I have landed, but is this the past that I am reliving?

I feel full of fear and with that comes a moment of hope that something awful would never happen to me? and if it did it wouldnt be real, someone would rescue me.

Then I for a moment feel like everyone else must feel and know that whatever happens in life, I will have to deal with it by putting one foot in front of the other and realise that I cannot guarentee happiness and stablity in my life, even though I've fooled myself into beliving I can.

Now and again I get memorys of moments from childhood, not pictures anymore, but real emotional reaction memorys. But it feels as if its happening today..

I may email T today, I hate doing that, but I need some sense made of this hell.

I emailed her and said I feel as if basically there isn't alot she can do to help me, what can she do? I'm alone with this.

It does sound like old feelings from the past have been stirred up. Were you tricked as a child? I'm guessing that you were not cared for and had your trust betrayed.

From a personal point of view if someone shows me that they care I tend to push them away for fear of getting hurt or being tricked into things as I was before.

It's painful stuff.

Gentle hugs to you. ((((((( mouse )))))))

(((((((mouse)))))

so true pegasus, so true

(((((pegasus))))))

gentle hugs, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

Was I tricked? Well I guess the only thing I can think off, apart from the times mum would flip from happy to depressed, is the day she told me I wasn't hers. My world consiously fell apart that day.

T just emailed back, the question she asks, is such a good question, yes its that I needed someone to be with me....

You are feeling very alone and at the same time afraid of getting any help, because you think it will make you feel bad again. What you are going through does feel different to before, and although I can see that it doesn’t help you manage the feelings right now, I think it is different because you are stronger and have more insight. You have been through similar swings before, but you were able to split off the doubt and confusion, so it didn’t feel as bad. Actually, it was worse, and getting through this, which I’m confident we can, together, will help you in the longer term.


Feeling alone is part of what you are going through. It’s about your difficulty with experiencing me as someone who can help you and who is on your side, but it’s also about the reality of your childhood, when you were generally left to manage difficult feelings alone. But feeling alone is not the same as being alone. Even though you feel alone, you continue to be able to reach out for help, and I think this shows that deep down you are aware that it is possible to have the help, and that perhaps you are not alone as you feel.


Is it someone to do something you need? Or someone to be with you while you go through this?


I’ll see you on Friday.

I think I'm going to make a shrine to kind, wise, therapists.

{{{{{PERNA}}} For always responding!

((((Mouse))))

I'm touched by your ability to reach out to T and her sensitive response.

I hope you can manage to hang on till Friday. Did her reminders that you've been through this with her before ring true? How validating to know that she sees the growth over time and can remind you of it when you are in the depths of despair. You aren't alone after all!

Ahhhhh, Mouse, that is such a wise and kind response from your T. I hope it was helpful to you.

Mouse. WOW I just love that e-mail. You surely are not alone. Hang tight. You can get through it!!


Peace

Mouse thanks a lot for sharing that email from your T with us. It was really cool to see first-hand what another T has to say-- especially through email. I have never had that experience, to communicate with T through email-- that's great how she responded.... I hope you are feeling more taken care of at this time-- that you are not alone.

Well I feel like my head has switched back into normal mode again...I'm becoming VERY aware of my fear of being abandoned..I've become VERY aware of how I avoid my kids and hubby emotionally because the pain of admitting to myself how much I love them and how much It would hurt me If they disappeared is so scary. Though I know they won't just disappear, this is a layer of trauma being laid on top of any experience I have today..I noticed also how I am trying to control the future to prevent any loss and by doing that I'm constantly living in perpetual fear and missing the moment...the need to control is massive..its like a see-saw act "control-fear, control-fear" the time I say to myself I cannot control the future and what am I feel right now, the fear disappears...its like the past and the future are on a collision course because I'm forever banging them together and missing out the middle lane..I know now what I need to be talking about in T...