[BlueJeans00]

Is this normal for a therapist to say this?

So I told my therapist how this one person I know
told me they didn't like looking after kids or even want kids. It upsetted me for some reason. I recalled telling my therapist how I don't know why it upsetted me then my therapist said this. "Maybe she reminds you of your mum.
Maybe your mum shouldn't had kids"

[bearguardian]

Creepy...

[CantExplain]

Maybe T didn't mean it the way it sounded?

PS: It's not "normal", but I've seen posts like this before.

[happybread]

Originally Posted by BlueJeans00

Is this normal for a therapist to say this?



So I told my therapist how this one person I know

told me they didn't like looking after kids or even want kids. It upsetted me for some reason. I recalled telling my therapist how I don't know why it upsetted me then my therapist said this. "Maybe she reminds you of your mum.

Maybe your mum shouldn't had kids"

Maybe your therapist meant
"Maybe she reminds you of your mum- how you feel that she shouldn't have had kids if she didn't like them"?

If not, the first line is Normal but the second line?
Totally NOT normal.

I sincerely hope that was some form of momentary semantic error or something. I can't even imagine how upsetting it'd be to hear this as someone going for therapy.

Hell, even for someone who's not attending therapy!

I've had a therapist say something similar and it made a lot of sense for me.

[happybread]

Originally Posted by AttachmentesBueno

I've had a therapist say something similar and it made a lot of sense for me.

Made sense how? Like indirectly telling you that you shouldn't be born..??

It does sound creepy the way it was said, he could have chosen a better way to express whatever he tried to convey.

I thought about similar things myself many times and brought it up in therapy once. That I never wanted kids, just something I have no interest in and I think I would most likely be an awful mother. My own mom actually desperately wanted me, after >15 years of trying to conceive, many abortions, a baby that died soon after birth etc. But we never had much of a connection and close relationship (for many reasons) and I believe it definitely contributed to my not wanting to be a mother myself even if my personality and interests are also in different places generally.

If anything, it would have been a better way to ask that question "do you think your mom did not want or should not have had kids"?

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by happybread

Made sense how? Like indirectly telling you that you shouldn't be born..??

I don't see the therapist was saying that at all. The logical flow from the first sentence the therapist said is that the second meant "maybe your mother felt she shouldn't have kids" or "maybe you think your mother felt that she shouldn't have kids."

Poorly expressed, yes, but certainly not suggesting the client should never have been born.

[TangerineBeam]

It's not normal in the way that a therapist shouldn't voice assumptions like this. T can't possibly know why you were upset, unless you say it yourself. Maybe that person reminds you of your mom, maybe of you aunt, or maybe of that girl you knew in 4th grade. It's your emotions, and only you can say why you reacted the way you did. Of course, therapist can be right with this "maybe it's your mom" thing, but they can also be wrong. Sometimes it's not a big deal, but some clients (who want to be "good" clients, to please a therapist) may adopt T's thoughts as their own, and then therapy is easily sidetracked.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by BlueJeans00

Is this normal for a therapist to say this?

So I told my therapist how this one person I know
told me they didn't like looking after kids or even want kids. It upsetted me for some reason. I recalled telling my therapist how I don't know why it upsetted me then my therapist said this. "Maybe she reminds you of your mum.
Maybe your mum shouldn't had kids"

Maybe it's more that it felt like your therapist was saying you shouldn't have been born, when what she might have meant was that your friend triggered a feeling in you that evokes an impression of your mother--someone not caring about kids--and she was asking for clarification on that impression? I know I have said this many times to my therapist and others, that my mother should never had had kids, and everyone has agreed--their point (and mine) being that she was just not mom material. It's a separate issue from whether or not I should have been born.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by BlueJeans00

Is this normal for a therapist to say this?

So I told my therapist how this one person I know
told me they didn't like looking after kids or even want kids. It upsetted me for some reason. I recalled telling my therapist how I don't know why it upsetted me then my therapist said this. "Maybe she reminds you of your mum.
Maybe your mum shouldn't had kids"

Hi, you told your therapist that you got upset/ triggered by your friend's comment that she doesn't like or want kids. Often, our feelings in the present time actually come from childhood or a past traumatic time. You said you didn't know why the comment upset you but your therapist is exploring with you the possibilities of it being from your own childhood.

[stopdog]

I don't think the comment was at you being born- it was at the idea that some people should not be mothers because they lack the ability to do it well - they are not cut out for it and that your mother was not cut out for motherhood - is how I would interpret it.

[BlueJeans00]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Maybe T didn't mean it the way it sounded?

PS: It's not "normal", but I've seen posts like this before.

You've had? Like where the patient says something about it?

[BlueJeans00]

Originally Posted by happybread

Made sense how? Like indirectly telling you that you shouldn't be born..??

Yeah thats I felted when my therapist said that to me.
I felted I shouldn't be born and that Im a mistake and that maybe I should die to fix the issue "maybe your mum shouldn't had kids"

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by TangerineBeam

It's not normal in the way that a therapist shouldn't voice assumptions like this. T can't possibly know why you were upset, unless you say it yourself. Maybe that person reminds you of your mom, maybe of you aunt, or maybe of that girl you knew in 4th grade. It's your emotions, and only you can say why you reacted the way you did. Of course, therapist can be right with this "maybe it's your mom" thing, but they can also be wrong. Sometimes it's not a big deal, but some clients (who want to be "good" clients, to please a therapist) may adopt T's thoughts as their own, and then therapy is easily sidetracked.

It is permissible for a T to speculate, so long as it is clear that this is just a guess. Madame T used to say, "You know what I think, ..."

Originally Posted by happybread

Made sense how? Like indirectly telling you that you shouldn't be born..??

My statement, "I've had a therapist say something similar and it made a lot of sense for me" is me saying that when my therapist said it to me that it made sense at the time given what the therapist knew about my particular relationship with my mother. No, my therapist was not saying or agreeing that I should not have been born. It was her attempt to explain my mother. I saw it as a fitting statement. I also understand it in the way @t@t and others explained it. The way you understood it never occurred to me.

[happybread]

Originally Posted by AttachmentesBueno

My statement, "I've had a therapist say something similar and it made a lot of sense for me" is me saying that when my therapist said it to me that it made sense at the time given what the therapist knew about my particular relationship with my mother. No, my therapist was not saying or agreeing that I should not have been born. It was her attempt to explain my mother. I saw it as a fitting statement. I also understand it in the way @t@t and others explained it. The way you understood it never occurred to me.

Ahh that's good. Thanks for clarifying :-)

[happybread]

Originally Posted by BlueJeans00

Yeah thats I felted when my therapist said that to me.

I felted I shouldn't be born and that Im a mistake and that maybe I should die to fix the issue "maybe your mum shouldn't had kids"

Exactly, hence I'm really worried for you now if you're still gonna be seeing this therapist.

Maybe you can clarify if that's really what was meant when the words were said? Could've been a mistake, right?

If it was truly meant to be that- we have a bad case of transference here (emotional attachment / personal biases towards a client) and you need to request for a change in therapist if possible otherwise your progress will be hindered for sure.

Try talking to em and find out for sure? No point assuming as it'll only make things worst.

Let us know what you find out, yeah? Hopefully it's not as bad as we think.

[bounceback]

Maybe she meant what she said. Face it, some people are lousy parents. Maybe she considers your mom one of them due to the way you were treated. I don't think she meant that she doesn't think you shouldn't have been born. Just another way to look at things. This is how I would interpret it.