[rainbow8]

Trigger for topic of death

Last Friday's session was great; I didn't need to start a thread and was thinking how well I'm doing. Today was different, and I'm thinking about whether I'm just overly sensitive or if there's something deeper. Or if it's my pattern again.

T knew I'd brought some old family movies I transferred to DVDs. It fits in with our discussion of death. I've been stressed with new things to care of, and I wanted to tell her what they are, which is not the same as telling her about my week. Or is it? I said I didn't want help, just wanted to tell her, and halfway through she asked why I wanted to tell her when I had other plans for the session. I answered that I wanted her to know how difficult my life is, and how I'm doing all of these things I never thought I'd be doing myself, like trying to hire a painter, for one. I'm overwhelmed. She responded that I'm doing quite well with all of my new challenges.

I'm annoyed because I told her partly because I thought she'd be interested and I wanted validation that I'm overwhelmed and stressed. I told my friends these things too, and am getting advice and help. I have a bad feeling because T asked why am I telling her? I think it sets off my "I'm your job" feeling. She was inferring "let's get on with it". Does that sound correct?

When I showed her part of the movies, I talked about how sad I felt because life goes so fast, I was thin then, and most of the people are no longer living. I keep telling her I don't want to die, or lose my family members, and she says "death is part of life; we all die", and it helps to make each day meaningful. That's how she looks at death, she says. I'm a little annoyed because all that is true, but I'm still scared and depressed, and she hasn't wanted to go there. She thinks I have a lot more of my life left, but how does she know? She said that of course, anyone could die at any time. So, I'm depressed about that. I expected more from her. She showed me a short video about a young woman with a disease who expected to die but did not yet, and how happy she is in her life.

T also said that she has learned from her clients how resilient people are in the face of tragedy. Her work doesn't depress her, but is inspirational.

At the end of the session I said "Okay, we talked about death so I don't have anything else to talk about". She responded "Do you want to skip next week then?" I gave her an emphatic NO. She then said there's a lot more to talk about death, of course.

I was also annoyed when she asked if I always cry when I watch the videos. I guess I kind of snapped back " I only watched twice. I just got them." She wondered how she was supposed to know that, and thinks I talk to others that way too. She's called me out on that before, not to criticize, but to let me know how it affects her.

I feel sad. Maybe it's the subject, maybe it's the separation from T when I felt so connected on Friday. She was out-of-town so I saw her last Friday instead of Wednesday; I only go once a week.

I don't want to email her the above, which is what I usually do anyway. I'm lacking sleep, which is one of my stressors too. It looks like I'm still attached to T though I'm doing much better. I would appreciate any comments about my session.

[Mouse007]

Maybe your T needs to know how you feel? .... I would be upset if someone didn't care how I felt. Maybe this T has issues with death? ... I don't know for sure. I hope the best for you.

Sending hugs and good thoughts. Wish I had something helpful to say. I'm going to be talking about death with my t next week, I'll be attending the funeral of my beloved ex-pastor (he retired in 2012 but I've known him for 36 years and have always had a special place in my heart for him) on Friday while I'm visiting friends in the midwest. I'd already planned the trip prior to his death and funeral being scheduled for while I'm there. A giant sign from the universe that I must go. I want to call t but there's really no point there's nothing she can do anyway. So I'll wait to talk to her when I get back next week. Maybe I'll have more to comment then....

[kecanoe]

Did you have other plans for the session or was that what she wanted for the session? If you had said that you had other plans, then perhaps she was trying to help you get on track with what you had planned.

Do you feel like you have to have something "significant" to talk to her each week, or is that her telling you that?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

Did you have other plans for the session or was that what she wanted for the session? If you had said that you had other plans, then perhaps she was trying to help you get on track with what you had planned.

Do you feel like you have to have something "significant" to talk to her each week, or is that her telling you that?

My plan was to tell her my frustrations, which I did, for us to watch my videos, which we did, and to talk about death, which we did. It was MY idea to talk about death, not hers. No, I don't have to have anything significant to talk about. I'm also annoyed that, while she's not pushing me to quit therapy, any chance she can to ask if I want to wait 2 weeks, she jumps at. She will deny that, I know.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Mouse007

Maybe your T needs to know how you feel? .... I would be upset if someone didn't care how I felt. Maybe this T has issues with death? ... I don't know for sure. I hope the best for you.

Thanks, Mouse. I just emailed her a photo of a painting I've been working on. I said I want if to be perfect but I can't do it. I hate it. I also said I didn't like the session. I'm tired and frustrated! No, T doesn't have issues about death but I do. Maybe that's why I'm angry now!

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

Sending hugs and good thoughts. Wish I had something helpful to say. I'm going to be talking about death with my t next week, I'll be attending the funeral of my beloved ex-pastor (he retired in 2012 but I've known him for 36 years and have always had a special place in my heart for him) on Friday while I'm visiting friends in the midwest. I'd already planned the trip prior to his death and funeral being scheduled for while I'm there. A giant sign from the universe that I must go. I want to call t but there's really no point there's nothing she can do anyway. So I'll wait to talk to her when I get back next week. Maybe I'll have more to comment then....

I'm so sorry about the death of your pastor. Weird that you scheduled the trip previously and you'll be there for his funeral. Yes, it's meant to be. I hope your trip goes well. Please update me when you talk about death with your T.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

... I'm also annoyed that, while she's not pushing me to quit therapy, any chance she can to ask if I want to wait 2 weeks, she jumps at. She will deny that, I know.

Im kinda surprised to hear you are going weekly. Maybe because of summer breaks and stuff, but i thought you were at every other week, for financial reasons and just to be slowing down. So honestly, i think she would offer to skip a week more out of consideration for your preferences.

I hear you about the validation though. I was telling my t today, i cant believe i didnt swim more this summer, but i just couldnt. Part of it was, i hate being fat and getting so tired from being in the sun, but mostly its about being fat. Hes like, other people arent looking at you. Im like, yeah so you say, but they are, but thats not even whats bothering me - its how i feel - everything is difficult - walking around, getting in and out, etc. Im just tired of being "cheerful" about it all.

[DelusionsDaily]

Rain,

In regards to the overwhelm you feel in regards to things you now have to take care of. I don't know that she was inferring "Let's get on with it", so much as I think she wants you to get the most out of your sessions and if you dont need my help, let's move on to something I can and you do need help with. Or did you really need help but just prefaced that part with I dont need help accidentally? Venting can be a good thing in T but if you are getting what you need from friends...support, help, etc. Maybe T felt she was doing a disservice to let you continue. However, if it's really something you need to talk about maybe talk to T and explain why. She should be able to help you understand her thought process.

As for the rest, death is a difficult subject especially for the person talking about theor experiences and it's easy to take things the wrong way or over-personalize comments made. Apologize for snapping at her and explain that you were hurt by her responses throughout the session. Maybe even let her know that while you had plans for that session what you started talking about was also important to you and deserve the freedom to break from "scheduled item" even if to just vent about something. It is YOUR therapy afterall.

[BonnieJean]

It sounds like you wanted her to hear and understand what you've been feeling and experiencing. It sounds like that did not happen. A lack of attunement can be frustrating or even a trigger for fears and/or insecurities from the past.

[Mouse007]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks, Mouse. I just emailed her a photo of a painting I've been working on. I said I want if to be perfect but I can't do it. I hate it. I also said I didn't like the session. I'm tired and frustrated! No, T doesn't have issues about death but I do. Maybe that's why I'm angry now!

I'm so sorry about the death of your pastor. Weird that you scheduled the trip previously and you'll be there for his funeral. Yes, it's meant to be. I hope your trip goes well. Please update me when you talk about death with your T.

I am so sorry rainbow... At least now you know your feelings are coming out after the session? Maybe your T knows your feelings now? I had a painting teacher who thrives on teaching people that you can't make mistakes....his facebook is with a video of it somewhere...he teaches at m.I.c.a. in Maryland... Maybe I give you his name?

I agree with BonnieJean, sounds like your t was having an off day and her frustrations came out a few times in session. She was not in tune with your needs and didn't validate your emotions- these are very painful experiences as you well know Rainbow.
Sounds like there was an agenda for your session, was it hers or yours, I don't know! Can you tell her when you are both going a different way in session and maybe say you want to spend a little longer on such and such and less on others. Maybe you and t gave different viewpoints about death and your t was trying to get you to look it differently instead of accepting and acknowledging where you are at in your own journey of life. I wonder could you tell your t when you start to get frustrated in sessions because you are left with a lot of frustration and difficult emotions at the end of session. You and your t gave such a good relationship, she would appreciate you talking to her about all of this. Maybe if you requested time at the end of session to ground yourself and to talk about these difficult emotions before you leave, could that be helpful

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Mouse007

I am so sorry rainbow... At least now you know your feelings are coming out after the session? Maybe your T knows your feelings now? I had a painting teacher who thrives on teaching people that you can't make mistakes....his facebook is with a video of it somewhere...he teaches at m.I.c.a. in Maryland... Maybe I give you his name?

Yes, I'd appreciate the art teacher's name. Here or in a PM, whichever you prefer. Thank you.

[Mouse007]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes, I'd appreciate the art teacher's name. Here or in a PM, whichever you prefer. Thank you.

https://www.joegiordano.org/video