More than I can give

Trigger warning**

This week has been awful. I lost another (6th) person to suicide. My only experience with deaths have been extremely violent. I can say I lost it on Tuesday.

I was crying all day. I felt all over the place. I asked T to come in after hours because I was so out of sorts and I needed her so badly. She settled me down, and I've been ok since.

Today was a regular session. She told me she had been concerned over me the last 48 hours. That her heart ached for what I was experiencing. But then... She said "I had struggled, to decide if you possibly needed inpatient treatment, but then I didn't want to mess up your schooling and your job and everything, so I'm glad to see you are doing better. If you had needs like that, they are more than I can give from my practice."

I should have said "What does that mean? If I have a mental break down you'll abandon me?"

I want to curl up and cry. I want answers. I don't want the relationship to fall apart because I'm too %#@&#! up.

She wouldn't "abandon" you, but she wouldn't be able to work with you if you had to go in the hospital. She works in an "office" and has a zillion other clients, doesn't have any medical status, wouldn't be able to rearrange enough; that's why she was glad you were feeling a bit better today, that you're doing a bit better because she would miss working with you if you had to go in the hospital/were that ill. Her practice isn't like that, she doesn't work with people that ill; would be like asking a regular MD to make house calls; they're not set up for that.

My pdoc sent me to inpatient and he could not see me while I was there. He did not abandon me, he was helping me take care of myself. I am glad you are doing better. I understand losing somebody to suicide--its very tough to deal with...You are in my thoughts.

I guess I misunderstood her meaning when she said that it was more than she could handle. I thought if I were to go into inpatient/day treatment that overall it would mean I would be too much to handle afterwards.

With a phone call and some emails she let me know that she meant while I was IN treatment she could not see me but after I got out we would continue with outpatient care as soon as my level of risk went back down.

I completely misunderstood her message I think because I constantly feel like people are going to abandon me at any given moment.

I feel so much better now that I understand it more clearly. To now have a clearer head I definitely appreciate the comments of worrying about me and caring so much.

Thank you all for your responses, and I apologize for my stupidity.

Don't apologize for your "stupidity." It was a misunderstanding. I hope you are continuing to improve.