[Lemoncake]

The same old issue again with my therapist has popped up again- just after our last rupture. I admitted that he was inconsistent before. I was "allowed" to send a message in between sessions, which I would write if I wanted an acknowledgement or not.

Today I failed an exam today scoring 54% instead of the required 70%.
I have two weeks to retake it and pass with the above score otherwise I am officially kicked out of school. I was in a panic and sent therapist the following message:

"R, could I please talk to you today, even if it's for 5 minutes. I really can't wait until tomorrow.Please respond back.I just really don't know what to do, and I'm not trying to test you. I just really need you right now."

Answer: "Message received, S. Be strong. We'll speak tomorrow."

Yes I'm being dramatic and I get that he's trying to maintain boundaries, but I'm walking away right now even though I've paid a month in advance for sessions up until the 24th.

Maybe med school really just isn't for me but I'm officially done with therapy even though, it was the only thing keeping me alive. I get that he's not a suicide hotline, but he just seems so cold and uncaring. He told me to be strong, when I'm weaker than the palest blue and out of my mind. I don't want to turn up tomorrow or even see him again.

[C.D.K]

Well because you've paid a month in advance I wouldn't like to see you waste that money. I would advise you to calm down and wait until tomorrow to talk to your therapist. You can bring it up to him personally and talk with him about it.

[Moment]

I'm sorry you're hurting. And sorry about the test.

I think you should go tomorrow and talk to him about these feelings.

You could just walk away, but that will produce zero change in you. Presumably you want to be in therapy to change yourself, yes? The way people change themselves through therapy is by showing up and talking through difficult emotions. All of them.

I think your therapist's message sounds very caring, actually. I don't doubt that he cares for you, based on what you've said before. You guys made it through your past rupture. I think you could make it through this one. That's how the process works. Although I know it is painful.

[Lemoncake]

Thank you for the replies. The problem with me is I don't think rationally when I'm stressed. It's not his fault. I'll stay with a friend tonight and will wait till tomorrow.

(((Lemoncake)))

I'm sorry you didn't pass your test and that he wasn't there for you.

There's a time for supportive therapy; and then there is a time for exploratory or intensive therapy, where a therapist would make things more difficult in the goal of working with the most impactful emotions. Perhaps during a stressful school year, a more supportive therapy could help you get through, but it doesn't seem like your therapist understands. A therapist should consider environmental factors when conducting therapy. There's a time and place for change, and it's probably not during the most stressful period where your success hinges on one test. Maybe you could talk to him about needing more support during this time?

When I quit therapy recently, I was faced with enormous work deadlines. I struggled immensely with hanging in there a couple of weeks or quitting, trying to weigh what would be the least harmful. It turned out quitting was less harmful than staying due to the circumstances. I get strong emotions like you do and so it seems disconnecting from him at least allowed me to shut my mind off from him temporarily. I also took klonopin to get by.

Whether you change your mind and see him or not, I hope you can get to an emotionally level place soon so that you can get through your studying to pass the test. It's so hard.

[SalingerEsme]

Answer: "Message received, S. Be strong. We'll speak tomorrow."

Med school sounds crazy-stressful. When my brother was a resident, he once fell asleep while writing on a chart at a counter, fell, and got fifteen stitches in his head. This is one situation in which anxiety makes sense. The text? That sounds affectionate and caring to me, as texts go. He might have a day full of appointments or he might be trying to show you you can contain and manage your anxiety, but he is going to be right where he is supposed to be for you tomorrow. I don't think they can respond in a split second in an all-in fashion even if they want to, probably even to family or anyone. I know I can't just bc of the nature of my job?

I saw on older post you wrote. I hope you can remember how you felt then:

My feelings are strong and feel like they can burn. I can be irrational at the best of times.My therapist has taken all my rage and anger when he's had nothing to do it it. I've tried to push him away. I shut down and withdraw. I've told him multiple times that I hated him, that he was fake like me and only in it for the money. That even his face irritated me when he watched me cry. I've sent him two termination letters and told him that I wanted to be alone and never wanted to see him again .

But I love him because despite all of that he takes me back, tells me that I am worthy of being loved. That I'm not just a sad abused girl. That he has faith in me and that he can see something that I can't. It's his belief in me that changes things. The notion that he isn't giving up on me when I've already given up on myself.

It sounds like he cares for you, he believes in you. He is right there with you.

[Lemoncake]

Part of me is emotionally under developed and essentially a child. When I wrote the original post I was filled with intense anger and just wanted him to desperately comfort me. I live on a roller coaster switching between extreme moods. I'm more cooled. I can actually see things more level headed. I verge between either hating him or loving him and find reasons to justify it, with there being no middle ground. Being close to him feels very uncomfortable. I struggle with boundaries, so I get his need to maintain consistency- it doesn't mean that he doesn't care. I will see him tomorrow.

I have time to go over things- none of it is new content so hopefully things will work out. I struggle with anxiety and my panic attacks are back with full vengeance.

[lucozader]

Sorry you're struggling so much, Cake.

I would not be happy with that message myself - it doesn't acknowledge your request that he contact you sooner, it's like he didn't even read what you said properly.

I'm not sure it's very helpful for me to say that right now, as you probably don't need me further fuelling your anger, but there it is. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Having said that... I have similar tendencies to you in terms of having trouble with controlling my emotions, so...

Either way, I don't think you should leave over this. It sounds like you may just end up hurting more. I don't think this is an insurmountable problem. Though if it's something that has come up before, it seems like you and T should discuss it further.

I hope you go to your session tomorrow and that it goes well.

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by lucozader

Sorry you're struggling so much, Cake.

I would not be happy with that message myself - it doesn't acknowledge your request that he contact you sooner, it's like he didn't even read what you said properly.

I'm not sure it's very helpful for me to say that right now, as you probably don't need me further fuelling your anger, but there it is. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Having said that... I have similar tendencies to you in terms of having trouble with controlling my emotions, so...

Either way, I don't think you should leave over this. It sounds like you may just end up hurting more. I don't think this is an insurmountable problem. Though if it's something that has come up before, it seems like you and T should discuss it further.

I hope you go to your session tomorrow and that it goes well.

Luc please don't feel you have to censor yourself with me. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing more than 80% of the time. I make an awful lot of mistakes because I don't think them through carefully just reacting to one thing or the other. I'm grateful for every message and It really does mean a lot even though it's just text on a screen. My favourite quote from the movie you've got mail goes :"The odd thing about this form of communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings."

[Moment]

I am a lot like you in that I get caught up in the grip of strong emotions and it's hard to think logically.
Later I can look and have some perspective. But in the moment, everything feels very real.
I really think, from what you've described, that your therapist seems like a good guy who genuinely cares for you.
I hope you can talk this whole thing through with him...what would it have meant if he had call? What did it mean that he didn't call? What was he hoping to give you with that text? What do you think/feel about that?
I have found a lot of help through the DBT exercises in terms of mindfulness and riding emotions out like riding a wave. I don't know if you're familiar with that or have ever looked at any of the DBT workbooks.
You say "the same old issue again," but in my experience that is how therapy is. We revisit the same thing again and again, in different ways. Each time it has had a little less pull on me, a little less control. This is the "working through," coming at something again and again, from a bunch of different directions. This is the core work of therapy. Or at least this has how it has been for me. So hang in there! Easy words to say, harder to do, but it really sounds like you are doing the work of therapy. It is work, and it is hard, and folks who have been there --like me-- are pulling for you.

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by Moment

I am a lot like you in that I get caught up in the grip of strong emotions and it's hard to think logically.
Later I can look and have some perspective. But in the moment, everything feels very real.
I really think, from what you've described, that your therapist seems like a good guy who genuinely cares for you.
I hope you can talk this whole thing through with him...what would it have meant if he had call? What did it mean that he didn't call? What was he hoping to give you with that text? What do you think/feel about that?
I have found a lot of help through the DBT exercises in terms of mindfulness and riding emotions out like riding a wave. I don't know if you're familiar with that or have ever looked at any of the DBT workbooks.
You say "the same old issue again," but in my experience that is how therapy is. We revisit the same thing again and again, in different ways. Each time it has had a little less pull on me, a little less control. This is the "working through," coming at something again and again, from a bunch of different directions. This is the core work of therapy. Or at least this has how it has been for me. So hang in there! Easy words to say, harder to do, but it really sounds like you are doing the work of therapy. It is work, and it is hard, and folks who have been there --like me-- are pulling for you.

I see him in under two and a half hours and I'm anxious. I feel like him calling would have shown that he cares. Him not calling that he doesn't care. But I know that's not true. He's not like that at all and I don't know where I'd be without him.

I haven't looked at any workbooks. Just one from the library which was CBT based something along the lines of "mind over mood". I found a free DBT work book online, but haven't really tried them before. My emotions run the game, but hopefully I'll be able to tame them.

Thank you for your support.

[chihirochild]

I have nothing to add except additional empathy.

Med school's the worst.
Feeling like you really need t to call and t not calling is *the worst*

Hugs and pocket-riding if those would be helpful

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by chihirochild

I have nothing to add except additional empathy.

Med school's the worst.
Feeling like you really need t to call and t not calling is *the worst*

Hugs and pocket-riding if those would be helpful

Thank you. My head is a mess. I really didn't sleep well last night. I have an hour and 1 hour and 50 mins left and am just desperately trying to distract myself.