The origins of present behaviors in our past

Since starting therapy, I have been thinking more deeply about who I am, my past, why I am the way I am, etc. I have come to some realizations on my own about the origins of certain present day behaviors I have. Does anyone else have experiences of "connecting the dots" like that? Now when I do those behaviors, I have more insight, and almost feel better that I know where it comes from. But knowing more about the origins can be scary too.

Here are two examples:

1) I am a water-holic. I drink water all the time, always have a water bottle in hand, can't sleep without a bottle or two of water next to me on the nightstand, can't walk past a drinking fountain without drinking, etc. My first lover told me I was a hypochondriac for not being able to sleep without water next to me. Anyway, in therapy, some events from my girlhood came up and I recovered some bad memories. Associated with these was being thirsty. I was continually in a situation at night where I was helpless to drink. I won't explain more, but I realize now that is why I constantly have to have water with me. I am still dealing with that thirst and helplessness from my childhood. It's a harmless behavior, to be sure, but it is strange to know from where it sprang.

2) The other one involves drugs (medications). Some of you may have read my posts here and there about my feelings about taking medications. I am not that keen on it. If you asked me why, I might have told you because I believe I can use a lot of other methods to deal with my mind and body issues besides drugs. And I guess I have also always thought it a sign of weakness that I might need drugs. About the only drugs I will take are anti-biotics. I don't even take OTC stuff like cold remedies and aspirin. I recently took Buspar for 3 months and did OK with that. It was kind of a big step. But I ended up being too resistant to get my recent Lexapro prescription filled. Anyway, now my gynecologist has prescribed birth control pills to me for a problem with my ovaries. This has brought up all sorts of issues for me. I have avoided oral contraceptives for decades, as I tried taking them 3 separate times as a young woman and had bad results. They made me severely depressed, and also made me have episodes of extreme mania. But mostly the depression. Really bad. During this period, I attempted suicide. I have never connected the dots until now, but now I realize my attempt was partly because of my extreme depression from the hormones. I guess I've always known this, but somehow not really. The prescription I just got for hormones is bringing this all back and really freaking me. I have this feeling of doom that I will take these and be really depressed again and want to kill myself. I know that is totally irrational. I am not suicidal. But I don't think I was back then either, and look what happened. I feel scared. Now I know why I am phobic about meds. I told my doctor I have gotten depressed in the past when taking hormones, and she said the pills now are much lower dose. So I hope I will do OK. I told my husband to watch me for bizarre behavior. I'm going to bail at the first sign of trouble.

Hey Sunny,

I had similar experiences with birth control pills when I was a young adult. I became very depressed, coming home from work crying every night and finally gave up on them. I also suffered from post partum depression that went undiagnosed. Like you, my gyn recommended bc pills much later on but I decided not to take her up on it even though I got the same explanation about lower doses. I toughed it out a few years.

As far as current behaviors influenced by the past, yeah, I think you described it well. I am humbled by the knowledge but sometimes feel on overload with the information. It takes me a while to work these things through. In the meantime, I talk to you guys--it helps!

Good luck with your new meds.

Oh, I definately saw all sorts of little and larger things like that. It was weird too to figure things out from when I was very young and then my aunt confirmed things for my T and me, writing me about what I/life was like for me back then.

One thing I figured out on my own though was my trying to puzzle why I liked my aunt and uncle's (my father's brother) slightly chaotic, messy "interesting" house to ours/my stepmother's neat, boring, "regular" one with nice antiques, etc. My uncle always bought fixer-uppers and they were always under construction forever and had nooks and crannies and dead ends, etc., almost "bizarre" in some cases. I still remember an incident where my stepmother and I "made fun of" my aunt because we both saw her kitchen strainer in a cabinet at the same time when we were helping fix a meal and there was a huge hole in it making it almost useless. We looked at one another and both smiled a "can you believe it?" joint smile. But anyway, over time as I was looking at pictures of when I was little, it suddenly dawned on me that our houses when my mother was alive were messy/"comfortable" and used similar colors and patterns of slipcovers, had same worn out rugs, etc. I was harking back to how it "use" to be when my mother was alive.

I didn't have that reaction on the pill but did have some trouble twice with blood clots. I've been off of them for years.

That is quite a connection you have made Sunny regarding the meds. did you mention any of the side effects you had before to your doctor?

depression is a common side effect of taking an oral contraceptive. it would be worth mentioning that you have had this reaction before and keeping a diary of your moods and having regular follow-up with the person who is prescribing it for you. sometimes medications affect us differently at different times (allergies can develop to what one was not allergic before and vice versa). I would say that in this instance you would be wise to remember the past experience to the extent that it helps motivate you to really monitor your mood in response to the medication.

sometimes people find that just knowing that their mental state has been affected by something in particular (e.g., a particular medication, getting ones period) helps the bad feelings be more manageable. so it might be that even if you do respond to the medication with depression you won't feel suicidal because you will know the depression will lift if you cease taking the drug.

i find it hard sometimes to know how much my past experiences should be remembered in useful ways (to help me better monitor and manage the present) and how much my past experiences need to be placed squarely in the past and where i would be better to alter my present behaviour that arises in response. i think that part of it is about assessing the risk. if you had a panic attack if you didn't have your water bottle with you then it would be worth dealing with that. taking a water bottle with you is actually a pretty adaptive response, however, because people should really drink more water and sip at it fairly constantly. so... the good and the bad of past experiences.

similarly with the pill... might be hard to take it but wise not to forget the past so you can monitor the situation.

almedafan and alex_k, I told my doctor about my past depression and manic episodes in response to BCPs (did not mention the suicide attempt). She said the pills today are much lower dose than 20 years ago, so I may be OK. She also said to just stop taking them at the first sign of depression. Keeping a log of my moods is a good idea, so it doesn't creep up on me. I am hoping the prescription would not be longterm. She said to try it for 3 months to give my ovaries a vacation from ovulating and a chance to heal. Then if they look OK, I could presumably stop taking the meds. I will keep my fingers crossed that this will work for me.

I have had numerous times where I have "connected the dots" about my past influencing my present. One somewhat positive one is the feeling I get after going to the store to get food. I feel absolutely giddy when I have all that food. I just feel set for anything--no matter what happens, I will be ready because I have enough food. I know that comes from not having enough when I was a child.

Be careful with the birth control pills. It sounds like you are taking all the right precautions.

Actually your doctor is right, the pill has changed so much. I think you'll be fine