[rainbow8]

Today I worked on being present in my session. I think it's the first time in 7 years my T brought up the subject instead of asking me what I want to work on! It was difficult but productive for me. I started talking about my week away with my family. She commented that I was present and she could "feel" me. She asked if I could "feel" her. We never used those terms before but I knew what she meant. It was cool!

But after a couple of minutes she stopped me. I said, "I know. I spaced out while talking." She was impressed that I was aware of when I do it, and I was surprised at how often I do it. Every few minutes I told her I "went away". It was hard even when I was looking into her eyes. I told her it was scary, but then it got easier.

Through the entire session, she and I stopped to see whether I was present or not. I think I was present about half of the time. She put her feet on top of mine as a grounding technique, though I'm not sure if that helped or not.

T wants me to try having "conversations" with people during the next few weeks. I will be out-of-town with my family so will miss the next two sessions.

I asked why we never worked on this before. T said because there was always something that came up that seemed more important to me. She was aware of what I was doing, but I didn't know the extent of it, and I never referred to it as "dissociation" but T says it is.

I feel kind of strange about this. It's like I have a new diagnosis after all of these years. I know I interrupt people a lot, but that's a little different from not being present. I felt closer to my T than I have for a long time. I even told her I was worried about missing her more because of today's session. She doesn't think that will happen but I'm not so sure. Anyway, I'm glad that I have my T, and that I feel comfortable enough to work on this with her.

[Elio]

Sounds like a wonderful (hard) session. Good job!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Elio

Sounds like a wonderful (hard) session. Good job!

Thanks, Elio. I think it was one of my most productive sessions ever! I feel weird about it, though. It brought up my issues about other people's appearance, and how I react to T. Shame stuff, maybe. I emailed her but I know we won't discuss it until I see her in a few weeks, which is fine with me.

[unaluna]

Its weird, isnt it? We're so driven to be with this person, and then when we are finally with them, we dissociate for the whole hour. I used to give my ts time for like 2 sentences. I told my t yesterday, i finally feel like im not being chased or badgered constantly anymore.

Eta - it makes me wonder, exactly who was showing up for sessions, and what relief did it provide? It really was the only time i got to be myself, i guess. My ts would say stuff like, "i hope you didnt say THAT to her!" Well of course not, but it showed i hated where i was; i wasnt a kind person.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Its weird, isnt it? We're so driven to be with this person, and then when we are finally with them, we dissociate for the whole hour. I used to give my ts time for like 2 sentences. I told my t yesterday, i finally feel like im not being chased or badgered constantly anymore.

Eta - it makes me wonder, exactly who was showing up for sessions, and what relief did it provide? It really was the only time i got to be myself, i guess. My ts would say stuff like, "i hope you didnt say THAT to her!" Well of course not, but it showed i hated where i was; i wasnt a kind person.

Yes, it's weird! Very weird for me because T and I suspect I have acted this way for most of my life. I have no way of knowing. I know I dissociated when I didn't talk to people. I was probably present as a child and teenager with some of my friends.

Like you, I never let my Ts talk! I think the part of me who needed to confide in one person who would be safe, is the part who showed up in sessions. Rambling on and on prevents dealing with connection and vulnerability. I think it's the flip side of selective mutism, but has the same cause, shyness and anxiety.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes, it's weird! Very weird for me because T and I suspect I have acted this way for most of my life. I have no way of knowing. I know I dissociated when I didn't talk to people. I was probably present as a child and teenager with some of my friends.

I talked about this with my t yesterday. He said its probably about reenacting trauma. First there is the anticipation, then when we are there, we dissociate. I said, we talk to retain control, to not let the trauma happen again; it feels too close, too dangerous, to be with t. I thought it interesting how so many of us have the same experience, but come at it from so many different ways.