I had my session yesterday. T was funny. He said, "I'm not making fun of you or anything, but don't think you it's a bit ironic that this is analysis and you try to avoid talking about sex?" I said to him, "I already explained to you why it's so hard for me to talk about it." And he said, "Well... no. You made a statement, but you didn't explain." Okok so he's right. Again.

We talked a lot about boundaries. I told him how I felt like talking about certain things and even feeling certain things seem like crossing the boundaries. He told me that not only am I allowed to say anything to him, but I am allowed to feel anything as well.

I told him that deep down I was mad at him for not being able to do a session on Friday, but I wasn't letting myself get mad. Told him how it will seem like he's disappearing even though it's only an extra 3 days that I will have to wait to see him. We talked about a lot of emptiness feelings. I starting having very vivid suicial ideation images-- T said, "Since I am going to disappear, you want to disappear, too." He's right. No object constancy for him, none for me.

Then I gave him the CD. He thanked me and asked me which song he could listen to first.

Today I have been very depressed. I cried on the way to work this morning... I mean, really cried-- tears running down my face, eye makeup everywhere. I have been crying in my office and I really don't feel like dealing with anyone here. Every time someone comes to ask me something I want to tell them to %#@&#! off. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it feels horrible.

T told me about 200 times, that I can call him anytime I need to. For any reason. But it's so hard.

[Perna]

You did, of course, make a copy of the CD you gave T for yourself didn't you? I get some "stability" when I think about what I've given T. If you don't get angry at him during the session for being away, that anger still has to come out, you can't make it cease to exist -- your wanting to tell coworkers to %#@&#! off today.

{{{pink}}} sorry about the sadness and anger. Why I loved my Friday sessions so I didn't have to deal with work and all the emotions.

[Mouse_]

{{Pink}} Your statement you make "I don't know whats wrong with me" reminds when I was saying something similar to a friend, and she pointed out "your in therapy, thats whats wrong with you". I had to laugh a while later and tell her I need to carry a goverment health warning "Caution, woman in therapy" I think constantly working on ourselfs will have an effect on a daily emotions..

I was really sad today because T asked me if I felt disconnected in the session yesterday and I said that I did-- and he said that he did, too. He told me that he would have felt more connected had I allowed myself to get angry at him-- because at least he would know what I was feeling... but instead I was not really letting him in. I love that he was honest with his feelings but I hate that we didn't connect.

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Mouse_ said:
{{Pink}} Your statement you make "I don't know whats wrong with me" reminds when I was saying something similar to a friend, and she pointed out "your in therapy, thats whats wrong with you".

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lol, Mouse this reminds me of a conversation I was having with my Dad about the Lithium. I said to my dad, "When thought about taking it, I said to myself-- I must be crazy." And my Dad goes, "Well duh, of course you are. That's why you're taking it."

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Caution, woman in therapy" I think constantly working on ourselfs will have an effect on a daily emotions..

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I should get that printed on a shirt. I think a lot of things got stirred up yesterday talking about the emptiness and all the feelings towards T. He kept saying, "Look at me" because I was going off with the images and not explaining them... and I would look up for a second and then down again...I shook my head 'no', I couldn't look.... I told him it was too overwhelming... all the feelings.

[pegasus]

Just wanted to give you a hug ((((((( pinksoil )))))))) and say that I too feel like saying %#@&#! off! to everyone at work but it's my job to support everyone so I can't do that. Would really like to though ...

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:
I had my session yesterday. T was funny. He said, "I'm not making fun of you or anything, but don't think you it's a bit ironic that this is analysis and you try to avoid talking about sex?" I said to him, "I already explained to you why it's so hard for me to talk about it." And he said, "Well... no. You made a statement, but you didn't explain."

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I love this...he's got a nice sense of humor. I've brought up this topic once or twice and T will ask for an explanation and the subject gets changed...by me

It is HARD to discuss that subject with our T's...just plain ole hard.

[MissCharlotte]

Oh ((PInksoil))

I'm sorry you are so down and sad. I am pretty low myself.

Funny enough, T and I talked about boundaries too and how hard it is for me to decide if I should call him. I wonder sometimes whose boundary I am afraid of crossing?

Peace and love.

Here, look at this YouTube video and you will laugh:

[pegasus]

Must be something wrong with me, I didn't find that funny at all.

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sister said:
I wonder sometimes whose boundary I am afraid of crossing?

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Whoa, T asked me that exact question yetserday. Then I flipped out on him and said, "Oh! You want me to say my own boundary, don't you! That's the special therapy answer. You want me to recognize that I'm engaging in projection! Well that's not it!" He said, "There is no special therapy answer." So I said, "I exhaust you, don't I?" He said I don't, but I still think I do.

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Here, look at this YouTube video and you will laugh:

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Hahaha, I like that type of humor. I found the calm tone of the doctor to be so funny.

[MissCharlotte]

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I'm engaging in projection!

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So, for those of us who got a B in psychology class, please explain this again, using my example to illustrate!

Thanks.

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"I exhaust you, don't I?"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh, Pinksoil, are you sure you weren't spying on my thoughts? I was thinking this same thing but didn't have the guts to say it! I think sometimes I exhaust him. (Or do I exhaust me?)

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sister said:
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I'm engaging in projection!

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So, for those of us who got a B in psychology class, please explain this again, using my example to illustrate!

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Projection is when we unconsciously project our feelings onto our Ts-- making something as if T is feeling it when it is really us.

I did this a lot in the past with T in regards to my SI.

I would tell him that he didn't want to talk about SI-- that he was probably uncomfortable with it. I was projecting my own feelings onto him-- I was the one who was uncomfortable with it and didn't want to talk about it.

[lauren_helene]

Ah great explanation Pink, I did some of that in yesterdays session...

I asked T "do you still get me" and at first he said "yes" but then said "I don't know do I?"

What came out of it is those sessions that we aren't as connected, and he's holding me accountable to a behavior, then I think he doesn't get me anymore...he used to understand why such and such happens but now he doesn't...

I'm the master at projection

Pink,
I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. When I told my T about my erotic transference, I also felt that empty feeling. When he knew, I had no choice but to realize that I was never going to have the ever-lasting connection to him that I desperately wanted. To me, it feels like I'm in mourning. I guess this is progress.?? Maybe, but it is quite painful.


You said:
I said, "I exhaust you, don't I?" He said I don't, but I still think I do.

I absolutely love that quote! I say that to my T about every week, but replace exhaust with annoy. I never believe him either when he says that I don't annoy him.