Couch 155: The International Operator

Mmmm waffles!

Glad you got through your dentist appt, Argo. I have not been back to the dentist since the tooth pulling/dry socket incident which is quite awhile ago now. :shudder: they keep texting me that I'm overdue for a visit but I delete them as fast as they come, it's gonna be another long time before I can brave going there again!

Hi couch.
I'm just here to say my random "Hi" like I do to let you know I've been reading to catch up :P

Ello

Just had my first in-lesson tears of the year. (25 points, as my old viola prof would say.) The kid started telling me how art was the last subject of the day and her teacher was giving her a hard time for drawing eyes wrong. Poor kiddo.

The district attorney's office just called me. My husband wants to plead to lesser charges that will get him 48 months in jail, with a 20% reduction for good behavior. Of course they wanted to know how I felt about that and I didn't know. I told them to do what seems fair. I don't know if that seems fair for what he's put me through. That also means that in less than 4 years I suspect he will be looking for me, restraining order or not. I'm shaking and crying and I have no idea what to think or feel.

Thanks, Folks. Who know a lil' ol' Ativan would hit me so hard after years of illegal drug use? Hahaha. Thanks, couch!

((((NP))))

Hugs, NP... Can you find out what time he would do if he didn't plea to lesser charges? If he was found guilty in court? Just wondering how much of a difference it is.

He was charged with 5 counts of Arson 1. The minimum sentence for that in my state is 90 months each count, so a max of 450 months. That doesn't mean he'd get that much, and that would be excessive in my opinion. I guess I keep thinking he should get punished for the abusive behavior and I guess that's the wrong way to think of it. I don't know what seems fair to be honest. I was thinking he'd at least get 90 months.

If the sign of a good therapist is to sit there patiently while a client tells you, at length, what is wrong with your profession and why, without losing patience or getting defensive or upset or taking it personally, well then, Info is a good therapist.

If the sign of a batty therapist is to explain to the client that we all have “a little spirit man” inside of us who can be either a healing or destructive emotional force (no, she didn’t mean soul, or conscience, I asked), well then, Info is a batty therapist.

Eta: AY, I told her your therapy metaphor of Searle’s Chinese room hypothesis. She thinks it’s a GREAT (yes, said in all caps) metaphor for therapy.

You should tell her you have a little spirit cat

((((Np)))) my guess is if you're afraid he'll come looking for you and you're shaking and crying..... the plea bargain is probably not fair. I don't know if fair is the right word. Go with what makes you feel safe and put yourself behind that. It's on the court to see to it being fair or not.

I ended up calling the DA back and asked if they were aware that I had taken a restraining order against him several weeks ago. They were not aware of it. I asked that they take the information in the RO into consideration when they were considering his offer. I also mentioned that I didn't know if his motives for starting the fire was to harm me or not. I will leave it up to the state to determine his punishment at this point. I still don't know how I feel about any of this, but something will happen this week. I have to start writing my victim's impact statement now in case I have to read it at the hearing on Friday. I have no idea what I'm going to say.

Hugs...that's good that you shared the RO with the DA. The consideration of whether he set the fire to hurt you is an important one that I assume could lead to more than just arson charges. If nothing else, he was endangering you because you were home, right? It seems like it should go beyond just arson, in the sense of it not just being about destruction of property. (disclaimer--I have no legal expertise.)

One the first part - I think we have all seen examples of ones of those people who cannot manage that at all. So kudos to Info

The second part is just nuts.

I'm not aware of the practice of starting a fire in one's home as a caring, or even benign thing to do; in other words, I would see it as seeking to cause harm, and that includes emotional harm through fear/intimidation. At the very least, he can't control his emotions, and that put you in harm's way.

Setting a fire is a violent act, even if no one was physically harmed.

I'm worried for your safety with this person.

It feels like I don't even factor into the equation. The DA's office never interviewed me. I tried to make the police and the DA (the one time we spoke at the grand jury) aware that there was an abusive situation going on before he started the fire. No one followed up on it, and it's left me feeling like I don't really matter. That nothing he did was even worth their time. He had been threatening to kill me. He called me garbage and I felt less than human, like my life didn't even matter to him anymore. And the lack of anything from the police and DA leave me feeling much the same. I'm just some worthless piece of garbage that's not even worth a 30 minute interview to figure out if he's dangerous or not.

That's horrible. I had no idea they didn't factor in his abuse. I'm glad you told them about the no contact order. I hope they don't cut a deal with him.

If you didn’t factor into the equation, then why did they call and ask for your opinion? Did I miss something?

They probably are focused on the fire and not the previous abuse because it’s the immediate crime he’s charged with—a threat not just to you but to your neighbors as well. And since he is dangerous to you beyond the fire, I would take the opportunity, since they asked, to tell them to hit him as hard as they can. And I would use the victim impact statement to let your voice out.

You’re absolutely not irrelevant or worthless; I think it’s just the way they do things.

I hate the Day Program lady I can't believe she said "I didnt realise you suffer from worry too?" What why cant she say anxiety and PTSD I nkow she doesnt realise that my biological parents tried to kill me and adoptive parents were neglectful and I had a boyfriend who shot me in the leg. etc. Just a bit of "worry" I think.

I figure I’ve been badly hurt by mental health professionals who seemed quite sane and I never saw it coming. Might as well try it the other way around this time?

I'm late to this convo but when i saw this just now it made me think of what you're being asked to do anais:



just, no....

I'm assuming that's how it comes to be five counts: arson, aggravated arson, arson causing property damage, arson likely to cause injury, arson likely to cause death. Something like that.