Couch 155: The International Operator

Sigh. I don’t.

The neglect started when I was a baby. The SA started when I was 4.

So there’s always been pain there, but pain doesn’t equal happiness in my mind. There have been seasons in my life where I’ve been happy in spite of that pain.

Yes, I was happy when I was living in denial with repressed memories.

Thx for your answers... I guess I wish I'd remember a less painful time but then, maybe that would make it worse.

Bfs grandmother died a few hours ago and all I can think of is... shi.. I don't have money to buy funeral friendly clothes.
I'm an awful person.

You're not awful.

Showered, and have done my grocery shopping for the week.. all by 11am! Calling that a win!

Yeah, that might explain a thing or two that's happened with my t, some of the things she's said. Except it doesn't really seem like something she'd do but you never know, what with the wiliness factor and all.

Very much a win! I am now inspired to go get my grocery shopping done before I mop the floors...

I have my first therapy appointment in a week tomorrow. I was worried about feeling connected to my T after the break. I just saw him waiting in line to get a wristband for early entry into a sporting event. He was behind me in line and when I passed him as I was leaving he waved and smiled at me. I'm not sure if I would have seen him. It felt like he was glad to see me, so it's good to know that we still have that connection. I don't know why I worry about the connection being there so much, but I do.

No. Things were always crazy. They are less crazy these past couple of years in certain ways, but i am dealing with the fallout where things are still slanted.

Good job healed!

I hope your session goes well NP.

I had the weirdest dream about my pdoc last night. I was waiting in her waiting room and ended up going through her closet and pulling out a sandbox and playing with it. There was this shovel thing I was using to play with the sand. The next day she overnights me a letter to say I left my gardening tools in her office. Then I woke up.

Ooh interesting dream, butterfly! if that were my dream, i would think about if pulling the sandbox out of the closet means I was getting ready to dig deeper in therapy, and the letter about leaving gardening tools in her office maybe would be like, leaving behind the "tools" for doing self-exploration on my own. (Again, if it were my dream.) I love working with dreams.

Thanks for sharing art, I would have never thought of it like that but does seem partly true for me.

Back from grocery shopping and have started a load of laundry. Thanks for the inspiration, healed!

Rock n roll!!

I never felt good in my life until a handful of times in the past year and a half or so. It was a strange feeling that I wasn't completely comfortable with, because A) I felt like I was cheating at life, not having to grapple with pain and difficult feelings and B) I felt out of control, not knowing when my more usual state would return.

Hmm.

I am so avoiding mopping the floors. Just made some bread, well the dough is rising anyway, and changed the laundry over to the drier. And organized the closet in my office a little better. See Artie finding things to do in order to not mop the floors. Haha

Ha! Just got the notice this morning that the apartment AC guys are coming tomorrow. You guys know i like 3 days notice to worry about this!!! Actually im not too worried, ive kinda been keeping up. Tho i do have work to do today, its pretty much what i had already planned to do.

Don't remember most of my childhood so don't remember much pain.
Remember not being in pain as an adult, went into therapy, and I was flooded.


Maybe would have broken down eventually though.

Fresh out of the oven!!

Wow, Art. They look great! Hope they taste as good as they look.

I do remember being happy. I still move in and out of it, actually, as I try to sort through the wreckage of my marriage. I hung onto lots of healthy stuff, but It feels like it's buried.

Artie, that bread is gorgeous!

Now I'm craving the smell of fresh-baked bread. Maybe I'll make some this afternoon.

Bad white bread...bad!

(Looks great though!)