That's it then...

lucozader · Oct 17, 2017, 07:11 AM

I think I'm okay and then all of a sudden I want to scream and cry out of nowhere...

toomanycats · Oct 17, 2017, 07:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

I think I'm okay and then all of a sudden I want to scream and cry out of nowhere...

Yeah...unfortunately, waves of different intense emotions are par for the course. And it sucks. Please don't feel like "I said I was ok 10 seconds ago, so now I can't come back and say 'actually, I'm not ok'" - you can always come back here feeling completely differently one second to the next. I definitely understand that.

lucozader · Oct 17, 2017, 07:21 AM

Thanks ((TMC)).

I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay OH GOD I'M NOT OKAY I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay

lucozader · Oct 17, 2017, 07:24 AM

And when I get to the 'not okay' bit I lose all my resolve and think wtf am I doing I've changed my mind this is a terrible idea...

lucozader · Oct 17, 2017, 07:26 AM

Gotta take it one craving at a time. That's how I quit smoking.

Speaking of which, I have really been wanting a cigarette recently.

Oct 17, 2017, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

Gotta take it one craving at a time. That's how I quit smoking.

Speaking of which, I have really been wanting a cigarette recently.

That sounds like a really good approach, luc. I really believe that moving on from unhelpful therapy and other "stuck" relationships is very similar to beating a strong negative habit. Including the ups and downs in the early phase.

You are very brave and I am sure your story is inspiring to many on this forum. Just keep it up one moment at a time and you will probably see the whole thing in a very different light sometime later

rainbow8 · Oct 17, 2017, 09:08 AM

Hang in there, luc. Like any grief, it will come in waves. One day at a time! I hope the new T will help. Hugs!

Spangle · Oct 17, 2017, 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

I think I'm okay and then all of a sudden I want to scream and cry out of nowhere...

You are ‘allowed’ to feel like this. Try & be kind to yourself & allow the grieving to happen, as it wants too. This is a huge thing to move through.

lucozader · Oct 17, 2017, 11:53 AM

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

etc

captgut · Oct 17, 2017, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

etc

Stay strong, dear!

I know it's hard.

I wanted to show you that you're my superhero, so I googled "superluc" and got this

That's it then...

lucozader · Oct 17, 2017, 12:03 PM

that's so lovely!

captgut · Oct 17, 2017, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

that's so lovely!

Omg you've changed your avatar

lucozader · Oct 17, 2017, 12:28 PM

(8 characters)

Lemoncake · Oct 17, 2017, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

I think I'm okay and then all of a sudden I want to scream and cry out of nowhere...

You'll get through this Luc. Sometimes when even a day seemed too hard- I'd stick to just 5 mins at a time and take it from there.

toomanycats · Oct 17, 2017, 02:34 PM

I promise, you'll breathe normally again.
It may be a while.
It may be longer than you'd like or expected.
But the waves will space out a little more, they will get a little smaller, and one day, you will actually be able to take in big gulps of air between them. And another day, some time after that, you'll be able to breathe fairly normally between the smaller waves.
One day, I'm told, the waves go altogether and everything about the person and the relationship looks much different.

lucozader · Oct 17, 2017, 04:02 PM

It's just that when a wave hits me in the face I feel like I'll be sick from the pain of it.

Spangle · Oct 17, 2017, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I promise, you'll breathe normally again.
It may be a while.
It may be longer than you'd like or expected.
But the waves will space out a little more, they will get a little smaller, and one day, you will actually be able to take in big gulps of air between them. And another day, some time after that, you'll be able to breathe fairly normally between the smaller waves.
One day, I'm told, the waves go altogether and everything about the person and the relationship looks much different.

That’s really lovely.

UnderRugSwept · Oct 17, 2017, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

It's just that when a wave hits me in the face I feel like I'll be sick from the pain of it.

(((Luc))) I have definitely been here. I am sorry you are hurting so much. I do think what you did was very brave.

DP_2017 · Oct 18, 2017, 11:52 AM

Hope you are doing ok

lucozader · Oct 19, 2017, 03:04 PM

Well, I met with T2 today.

It was great. I like him a lot. He is so... not-T1. It's really refreshing.

I feel hopeful.

DP_2017 · Oct 19, 2017, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

Well, I met with T2 today.

It was great. I like him a lot. He is so... not-T1. It's really refreshing.

I feel hopeful.

Awesome news

Argonautomobile · Oct 19, 2017, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

Well, I met with T2 today.

It was great. I like him a lot. He is so... not-T1. It's really refreshing.

I feel hopeful.

I'm so glad it went well!

satsuma · Oct 19, 2017, 04:47 PM

Me too I'm really glad it went well! I think it was a very brave and also good plan of yours to switch Ts.

toomanycats · Oct 19, 2017, 06:34 PM

I am so glad it went well, luco
Don't read this next bit until/unless you need it, because you should fully enjoy your light hope, and I don't want to say anything that will bring anything else up. I'm hiding it in a box, but it's not negative, I promise.

Possible trigger:

I'm sorry for not responding sooner about the wave of grief.
Yes - the waves - they are literally physical. I know...I know. Do what you have to to survive it. While it's happening, we just survive. Scream, cry, throw up, thrash and feel like you are literally going to end. Sit on the floor - get as much pressure under you as you can and hold on tight. Ride the wave. I promise it won't kill you, even though it feels like you can't possibly survive - even if you feel like you wish it would do so, it won't kill you. It will pass. I promise. Even the biggest most violent waves pass.

If you feel you can't hold on any longer, ask for help. Your new T, whoever has the authority and ability to take over and make decisions for you. It's ok to hand over power while you focus on just surviving the wave.

It doesn't have to mean hospitalization, but it's ok if it does (I wish I'd gone).
See your new T multiple times a week if needed, see multiple Ts or attend Group T if needed. You have all the permission right now. Everything is allowed. It's going to be ok.

lucozader · Oct 23, 2017, 10:27 AM

It's Monday. 4.30pm. I'd be with him now.

Not doing so well today. Lots of crying.

I want to email him. Don't know what I would say. I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry.

Trying to remind myself of how much seeing him hurt, because it just feels so crazy to not see him today through my own choice.

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