That's it then...

^ this will be me when I end, I just hate how strong my feelings are for him, i want to run away from my feelings

hugs to you

He's right there. Like always. I'm not there. It makes no sense.

oh f*** oh f*** oh f***

This is like the first anniversary of a big loss. It's okay to miss him and to want to go to him, even though you know that he isn't really who you want him to be. The version of you who thought long and hard about the path forward made the choice to end things with him for a reason. I bet you will be pretty proud of yourself later for getting through these difficult moments.

Hey luco.
I know this feeling, I do. It's indescribable.
Let's focus on getting through today, just through today.
You had a good termination, right? No burned bridges, right?
Could we look at this as not an all-or-nothing thing?
Success here doesn't mean never contacting him again.
Contacting him again, even going back, is not failure.
Perhaps tell yourself that this doesn't have to be permanent.
You're detoxing right now.
Get through the detox.
Lean heavily on the new T you're seeing. Extra sessions, whatever you need. Go there right now.
When you are through "detox," which will honestly take longer than you probably anticipated...and sucks a lot more too, you can reevaluate.
But let's get through this acute detox stage, ok?

That said, no matter what you choose, we will still be here for you. No matter what. It's ok - whatever you choose.

Thank you so much, Manatee and TMC. I am doing better now than I was earlier. Just glad today is almost over.

At least he gave me one wonderful gift - this place. I came here because of him, and I found all of you beautiful people. Thanks, T.

Unfortunately I can't afford extra sessions with T2. We are contracting next session and I will find out if he's okay with out-of-session contact... I hope so.

But yes... I'm detoxing. Again, it reminds me of quitting smoking. The hardest cigarettes to give up were the ritual ones, the habitual ones... like the ones after a meal, the ones whilst waiting for a bus, that first one in the morning with a cup of coffee... this feels the same. At 4.30 today every fibre of me was screaming out that I needed to be there, with him. Like usual. But I got through the craving. I didn't even send him any stupid messages...

I hope he missed me, though. I hope he thought of me.

Maybe you could deliberately fill the time slot with something good/helpful/meaningful for yourself, at least until the pain goes away and you don't crave him anymore. I "scheduled" journaling sessions while my T was out of the country. That way I was acknowledging to myself that I wanted something I couldn't have, and I was substituting something productive and helpful. It didn't completely satisfy the need, but it was better than nothing.

That definitely sounds like a good idea, Manatee. Not sure what I could fill the time with, but anything other than sitting and yearning for T might be a good idea.

I'm hoping to change my work schedule around actually so that I'll work on a Monday, and I guess that will help.

Well done, luco. That was incredibly strong of you. Having been there and not been able to resist so many times, I am in awe of your strength and determination.

I think that will help

This sounds much like my T2's suggestions for decreasing my drinking--to replace it with something else that has a positive effect on me, whether a walk, yoga, watching a TV show, etc.