i'm not coping with him leaving. thats whats going on for me. yeah, my period has been a killer this month (worst period i've ever had in my life) but i figure thats probably made worst by the psychosomatic stuff.

i haven't felt like this since... he had his month off. i feel so immensely fragile. just want to sleep all the time... numb... crampy... would take valium if only i could find it. turned my room upside down twice but couldn't find it, though.

everything is just seeming overwhelming. slept all day so i'm figuring some coffee in a little while... then i'll get cracking on my seminar.

it is just really terrifying to me. he leaves for one week. that is one missed session. and this is how i respond... i so thought 'rationally' i was doing just fine.

but i've been angry (at him even) and i've been demanding (send me some valium) and i've been tearful and paranoid and its been horrible basically. trying to hang in there... trying... but its %#@&#! floored me.

i don'tunderstand.

[ECHOES]

(( alex ))

I think him being away is different than skipping an appointment.

It's bigger. Farther away. Hurts more.

Very understandable that you are feeling the way you are.

You are hanging in there as best you can. Now you know what it is and maybe it will bring you some relief, knowing. I hope so.

[Mouse_]

((AK)) I hope you dont find the valium! Your already in the worse of the pain now, half way through, get a pen and paper and scribble the anger and pain! Punch a pillow.

[Perna]

Yes, what day is your appointment usually? I always lived for the day after the usual day and then could look forward for the next week's appointment as if my T were back. So, your period will be done soon and you'll physically start to feel better and the week will be on the upswing again toward your next appointment.

hey. getting there... had to give a talk on wednesday... it was a bit of a big deal. it went okay, though, so that was a HUGE relief for me. feeling a lot better because of that.

i guess... i see him next friday (instead of this friday). so that makes it a couple weeks between our sessions, i guess. he has this real knack of going away on the weeks that we are scheduled to have two sessions per week.

i haven't gotten the valium yet. nice to look at the script, though. transitional object, i guess. his handwriting. he gave me a lot, too. most docs don't trust me with valium... don't think he should... but he does...

i don't know how i feel about him right now. numb, i guess. imagine i'll have a big cry in our first session back.

((((guys))))

[Perna]

Oh, I'm so glad your talk is over. I gave one the beginning of the summer and froze at the beginning. Surprised myself by finally being able to pick up again and continue and finish. I agree it is an enormous relief to be done a talk without many catastrophes!

That's great you can use the script as a transitional object and that it's in his handwriting. What a break. I kept a "note" to me from my T a year then gave it to her (she didn't know I had kept it :-) and told her I didn't need it anymore.

{{{Alex}}}

hey. i'm glad my talk is over too. phew. thats great that you managed to pick yourself up and finish :-) i had something similar. was really quite worried about the last section (thought it was a bit out of focus) and then somebody asked a question and it kind of floored me (because i figured that he hit upon a crucial point even though it wasn't about that - it was a manageable question really). but the question threw me off and i figured that everyone thought i was raving incomprehensibly... managed to pull myself together though and continue on.

supervisor said 'you didn't %#@&#! up' and he smiled (which is very good praise from him). he isn't hesitant to say 'you %#@&#! the dog, mate' to visiting profs from oxford etc lol. so i'm really happy that he thought i did okay :-) he did say that the last third was out of focus though... which was true, so at least i know i can trust his opinion lol. it was the first time i've given a ppt. presentation too... was nervous about that (typically i prepare a paper). but it went well :-) in fact... people seemed surprised at how well it went for my first time doing that (until the stumble in the last third)

i exchanged the script transitional object for the drug transitional object. i only take them rarely but i figure that i should have them to hand because they could have really helped me through last friday. i mean i coped eventually... but they could have really helped me. just one tablet. doing okay... would usually see him this morning. woke up really early and it kinda hit me that i wasn't seeing him today so that was hard... but going to be alright i think :-)

[sunrise]

Alex, I'm so glad your talk went well. I can just imagine the added stress of first time using powerpoint! (I'm not too great with powerpoint.)

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
nice to look at the script, though. transitional object, i guess. his handwriting.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I can relate to this. If the time of my next session is not the usual time, my T will give me his business card with the day and time written on the back. I like to keep these because they are something he gave me and they have his handwriting on them. I can find them comforting, like evidence of his existence.

(((alex)))

[ECHOES]

me too, alex and sunny... I have her business card with appointments hand-written (and the memory of watching her do that in the reflection of her picture window) at home, in my purse, and at work. And the saved voice mail at work.

cloning sounds good.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:
cloning sounds good.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">lol. I was just thinking yesterday wouldn't it be great if we could all have holographic therapists? Like if we had that holodeck technology from Star Trek. (Remember that holographic doctor from one of the Star Trek series?) I could just walk down my hall at home, open up a door, and there is a therapist's office and therapist. Anytime I needed one. (Not sure it would be healthy. Would I end up spending all my time in there?)

yeah. i was reluctant to hand in the script (not so keen on the idea of turning the actual pills into transitional objects for him) but... i kinda need the pills (extremely rarely) so i guess its okay... i mean, i got a bottle of 15 5mg valium 18 months ago just before i moved to this country. i still had about 7 tablets left. so, thats about one tablet every couple months. he gave me 50 tablets. they should last me about a decade lol. i'm very careful with them becuase i used to abuse temazepam (footies) in the liquid caps and i don't want to physically rely on pills (benzos at any rate) just to get through my day.

Yeah, the ppt. was hard... I'm used to thinking in paragraphs rather than in slides. So it was kinda hard to get myself into the spirit of constructing the talk by ppt.

I need to have a little chat to my mother at some point... I really want to get a mac notebook... so i have a reliable computer to write my thesis on and do presentations with. get a remote, too, so i can talk around and gesture at the projector screen rather than having to stand in front of the computer hitting the space bar... i'm getting a little excited at the potential in ppt, though. i mean i'm not a techno buff but the idea of using box-plots (text in boxes and little arrows between boxes) sounds like a perfect visual aid for the sort of stuff that i'm trying to figure out.

(sorry for raving).

i'm hanging in there... work focused... giving myself deadlines and also managing to psych myself up. going to work on above mentioned project for a little today :-)

feel a bit better about t now. i think.. in the last session i was quite rejecting and maybe a little... not quite attacking... but a little indignant. i see now i was trying to induce my feelings in him... i guess we can talk about it next week.

have a good day everyone.

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
((((((((((my t)))))))))))
i gave him a pretty hard time, i think
overwhelmed him with tracts of stuff...
and he did his best to understand
was really really trying
but everytime he tried to express or convey understanding
i made it jolly well clear that he had
Not Understood AT ALL
:-(
and he was trying and the more he tried
the grumpier / more disconnected i felt
and at one point he was like
'do you feel like i understand you (or empathise with you - can't quite remember) *sometimes*?'
and i felt a little sorry for him and softened a little and said:
'yeah. otherwise i wouldn't be telling you this now'
and then went back to berating him for his inability to empathise / understand

((((((((((((my t))))))))))
see how i feel?
sorry i suck at talking
:-(

you are leaving me for a week
whine
whinge
Take That

:-(

(grumpy face)

[Mouse_]

((AK))

(((mouse)))