[granite1]

i had the most horrendous session a few weeks ago.it might have even been a month ago .sense then my T seems to have changed and i dont get it or trust it at all. the last few sessions have been very lite in ways. although i am one to not really focus on our relationship in therapy much she has been bringing it up a lot lately. that horrible session we had really rocked me . now she keeps on talking about how therapy works and trust,and the week before she was talking about how she cares about me . this week in session she talked about how i cant keep seeing her as a bad parent .that she is there to she me an example of what a good parent is and to be an older roll model of a woman who cares and is not critical and wants the beast for me ,someone i can trust .she reminded me that i can talk to her about anything .that i can say anything that is on my mind .that i am safe and that therapy is a safe place .she seems to have changed a lot of her boundarys like telling me she cares about me. she might say something like she cares about the work we do or something like that but never directly that she cares about me . and the latest thinks are that she has told me that i can call her if i need to that she is there for me if i need her . Thursday i told her i was not going to be able to show for our next session .she said she was not going to be there either because she is taking the day off to celebrate her birthday . it is two days before mine lol. but in 6 years she has never shared anything personal with me .now she seems to be opening up about little things . and today she called me out of the blue to confirm that i will not be there on Thursday.not something she has ever done in the past. and then she said again that if i needed to call her that it was ok and made sure i had her cell .she said she will be out of town but she did not mind at all if i needed to call .and she wanted me to know that . i dont get it and i dont trust it . i am not one who has a need to know personal stuff about my T. i have lived that and it is not helpful in the long run. for the longest time i couldnt write e mail or anything. i could call her office if needed but she would not call back unless it was scheduling. things have changed and it scares me

i have seen so many people get so attached on such a deep level that these calls and e mails and outside contact seem to rule there life. getting upset when therapist doesnt call and check on them or return a call. stops telling them how much they care or reassuring them . being there for them always and then stops. and many other things. now my T after about 6 years has changed .she is checking on me allowing me to call if i need. talking about how she cares about me and i can trust her .just being different. my few times i did call her when she worked in the clinic she was iffy about calling back. that was ok with me because i didnt have great expectations. i worry with her pushing all this i will start to have the same problems others here encounter when therapists allow this stuff .she has offered many times now for me to be able to call her if i need but i have not taken her up on it .i need to deal with things on my own . she says it doesnt need to be that way and that is what therapy is about ,getting help . im not saying im not attached with my therapist ,i definitely am. im scared she will leave me and hate me so i will never overstep my bounds . in fact she has even brought that up about how im so scared that she will abandon me that i try to be the perfect patient . tat i need to relax with her and to not worry so much about time and so on . that i need to develop more trust .

have people her ever had a good experience with a therapist who allowed outside contact and these other things i have mentioned. it doesnt seem like it .

[ElectricManatee]

I have had an overwhelmingly positive experience with outside contact. I can't say for sure that it will end well because I am still in the process of working on things in therapy, but I don't have a sense that my T or the outside contact will go away before I'm ready (barring unforeseen circumstances like if my T dies, etc).

[unaluna]

When opportunity knocks, answer the door. One xmas time, my t told me to call if i felt like it. Im usually, im okay, why would i call? Hes like, no, CALL ME. Im like okay, okay, keep your shirt on.

I think THEY have an idea about how ready we are to use them in this way, and what their own availability is. Its your turn. What would you do in a similar situation in your craft classes? You want the people to take help when you offer it, no?

I just tried to get as much out of the experience as i could while my t was available. Like having a free personal trainer for a week, why not use it and learn all you can? You will be stronger afterwards.

[RaineD]

I don't have answers for you, but I can relate to your experience. I wouldn't trust those boundary changes either. I also try to be the perfect patient and avoid over-stepping the boundaries he initially set. Even though he's since relaxed those boundaries, I still stay within the initial boundaries.

I also don't want to become dependent on constant outside contact with him. I'm attached enough as it is.

Perhaps you should bring up your concerns with your therapist. Lol, that's my advice to everyone else, advice I'm having a hard time taking myself.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

have people her ever had a good experience with a therapist who allowed outside contact and these other things i have mentioned. it doesnt seem like it .

Before I answer this question- I maybe think things are changing is because you were able to go in the next time after the horrible session and really tell her how it made you feel? that hopefully she is understanding how easily you can spin out, that she is trying something different?

that being said, i feel like shes always offered phone calls, and has mentioned her cell before, right?

i understand how scary it all feels, especially reading all the horror stories around here.

i have been seeing my current T for a little over 2 years. I email her when I need to (sometimes 1-2 times a week, sometimes fewer), ask for phone calls when i am doing particularly bad, and text when i feel like she needs to see it quicker (usually asking to call).

There definitely has been and probably always will be a little anxiety over it. She has reassured me she that i am not bothering her, and has always been there when really needed. she doesnt write back to every email, which i am okay with. she said if i ever contacted her too much, she wouldnt be angry, but we might have a conversation about needing a higher level of care. incidentally, we HAVE had that conversation, but not because of outside contact, but bc of depressive episodes.

all of this is to say that it has been good. much of the time, i find it easier to write what i am thinking rather than speak it. she understands and is fine w me emailing her my thoughts. it isnt always bad

[MobiusPsyche]

I have occasional outside contact, once a month on average, and it has not changed our relationship at all. I feel reassured that I can depend on her if I need contact between sessions. I've been seeing her for almost three years and the boundaries haven't changed.

I don't think you can extrapolate from what happens on these forums. If you're able to have outside contact and not obsess about how quickly your T responds, or overanalyze every word of their email, then it can be a useful support. If you think you'd be prone to obsessing, I think it called for a conversation with your T.

It probably calls for a conversation with T regardless.

[Pennster]

I agree with Velcro that it sounds like she might be trying something different, maybe in response to a new understanding of how things work between you, and how hard it can be for you when sessions don't go well?

I have had a very good experience with outside contact. I was seriously retraumatized in my first round of therapy, partly because we were digging up a lot of traumatic material and I had no way of dealing with it between sessions. Early on, my current therapist told me it was always ok to call him. At first I was very reluctant, but I started to trust him more that it really would be ok to try to reach out when I was suffering.

And it has worked out well. In the early days I learned that calling him when I felt bad gave me a way out of feeling that way- part of it was that even just reaching out felt like I was doing something to help myself. And our phone calls were not formless- they were about coaching me to be able to take the next steps to be able to take care of myself, so that I could get past this moment of despair or helplessness. My therapist was very good about showing me that I had the power to help myself, and helping me practice pulling myself out of these bad states. It felt a little bit like a safety net, whereas my original therapy experience had left me feeling like I was in freefall.

I usually called him maybe a couple of times a month? One week I was in utter despair and I think maybe I rang three times. He was always patient and helpful. I still ring him occasionally, but i am much better now at figuring out myself how to pull myself out of these states, and they happen less frequently now.

I have been dealing with a new situation that has been quite difficult, however, and one thing I do now is send him regular emails outlining how I am dealing with what's going on now. This is very helpful to me- He doesn't reply to those, because I am writing them more as a journal and a way of recording the more positive things that are happening during this difficult time. I suppose a journal would be a thing I could do instead but I've never managed to be consistent with journal writing.

So for me, outside contact has really helped me develop my ability to better take care of myself. I haven't had a lot of negative effects- there were a few times that stressed me out when there was a problem with the phone communication (a couple of times things had gone wrong with his phone, for example, so he didn't get my messages - one time I was sure he must have had something terrible happen to him but he had just dropped his phone in the toilet so didn't have access to for a day. Now if there is a bit of a delay in him calling me back I don't worry as much because I understand that it's likely just a technical glitch instead of some kind of catastrophe).

Perhaps you could say to yourself that you could experiment for say a month and see if trying a little outside contact might be helpful? I can certainly understand your reservations but I just wanted to share my experience as an example of how it can work out as a useful tool that hasn't caused me a lot of pain or a huge amount of dependency.

[DP_2017]

I worry about boundary changes because of this forum

I trust he wont though, we have talked it to death and he assures me he would never do anything like that without a discussion first.... but I just asked him on my last session if I was too much and he said no, not at all.

I can understand the feelings of wanting to keep the boundaries better though, for sure talk with them

[BonnieJean]

Mine got like that when I had to have surgery for an illness 2 years ago. Overly supportive and tried to make herself more available outside session. I didn't understand it. Things got back to normal after treatments following surgery.