Couch 156: The Clock Strikes...

NP, that's a deeply moving impact statement. It makes me so angry that what he did to you, leading up to and including the fire, was not factored into your husband's charges or plea deal. I am in awe that you stood up and spoke this aloud in a courtroom.

No words for your therapist. Did he read your letter? He should be angry at your husband, not your reaction to such an emotionally taxing event yesterday.

((NP)) Wow. Your words are so brave. I'm glad you had the opportunity to speak out in court. I agree with the judge, you are courageous.

NP—what a statement. The judge was right, you’re very courageous. I hope it gives you some healing, even though you might not feel it for a while.

Yes, my therapist read several iterations of the letter. He's been there for the last year of his abuse, so I'm sure he has whatever the appropriate therapist feelings are towards my husband. Honestly, I think me feeling suicidal makes him really uncomfortable. Sometimes he doesn't ask me about it directly. Sometimes his tone of voice changes noticeably from caring to cold or angry, which makes me feel ashamed about feeling that way. I may bring it up at our session on Monday.

I really wish I could have delved more into the verbal abuse in my statement, because I'm not sure a lot of people get it, but there would be no way for me to repeat the things he said to me without feeling completely ashamed. The fire was traumatic, but so were the years of verbal abuse. There are certain things he told me that I would give anything to unhear because they will impact me from now on and leave me feeling like I'm never going to be loved again.

I was really hoping I would feel empowered or something after doing this, but I don't. I just feel empty and rudderless.

Maybe you'll feel better later on? I hope so.

Part of me still wants to sit down and talk to him. To try to make some sense out of this. It still makes no sense to me. I was with this guy for 27 years. He did some terrible **** to me but I did love him. I didn't even look at him as I left the courtroom yesterday. I feel like I should have at least looked at him one last time. And then I feel like an idiot for feeling that way.

Yes.

I'll bet it took a lot out of you to read that. You must feel completely drained.

It might be a while before you really process that moment, and you might process it in lots of different ways before you really feel the power of your voice. I know every experience is different, and I spoke out in a different way, but that's what happened for me. I re-discovered my voice and my power a little at a time.

Well done NP I still think it was very brave of you to read this. I hope you'll start to feel a bit better soon.

NP, that's a powerful victim statement. So sorry you had to give it in front of everyone like that. Here we do it via video conference and the vulnerable witness has a counsellor or befriender in the seperate room with them.

NP -- you are incredibly generous towards him.

I can sort of imagine why but I really hope you are able to take care of yourself completely -- and, if that means, really being outspoken about what was done to you, I hope you can and will do that.

Please take care....

P.S. Also, I could be wrong but your T seems way caught up -- and not exactly in a helpful way -- in what is going on with you. I hope that changes as well....

Well done NP. I cannot read the statement right now... but you are so incredibly strong and courageous. Wishing you peace.

I'm curious what you mean by caught up?

Watching Somatic Experiencing videos on YouTube...it's making me hyper-aware of what I do with my body during sessions. Interesting technique, though.

Oh... can you recommend any?

His response when he thought (either because you said it or because he suspected it) you were feeling suicidal?

From what I know, dealing with that sort of stuff is kinda standard issue for most therapists (except those who are, I dunno, only dealing with very superficial / minor issues type stuff).

So, your sensing anger from him about your suicidal feelings seems to indicate to me that he's not doing a great job of separating himself out from your issues and dealing with it in a more therapeutically beneficial way.

Therapists may go out of the way to schedule extra sessions / check-ins / contact etc as a way to help manage that sort of stuff but that's not so much about their personal feelings as a therapeutic stance.

I dunno though -- I could be totally off-base and I definitely don't want to complicate things further for you (given the massive amount of crap you're already dealing with) but it's just something that stood out for me a bit from what you've described of him.

I've gone on a deep dive into Peter Levine's work.






There is much more on there, but these are just a few that I've found. I have been using the first technique he talks about in the last video, and found it very effective. Ordered his book from the library, so I'll let you know what I think of that too.

Posting some questions about shrimp procedures.

1. Where do you get your shrimp? Grocery store? Seafood specialty store? Mail order? Catch it yourself?
2. What kind of shrimp do you buy?Frozen or fresh? Cooked or raw? Wild caught or farmed?
3. Do you remove the sand vein out? Both sides? Just the back?
4. Any tips on buying or prepping shrimp?

I'm kind of a shrimp snob, but I have a health condition and need to avoid chemicals and toxins. So i do pay extra for quality meats and just eat smaller portions.

I recently decided only to buy wild caught shrimp from the U.S. I buy it at a grocery store, frozen, uncleaned, and try to stick with the larger size so it's not as time consuming. The shrimp i just bought had an odor. If it's frozen in a bag, how could that happen? Really miss Seattle markets....hate where I live now.

Just created a shortcut for myself-now I cut off the tail instead of taking the time to pull the tiny bit of meat out of it. I realized, all that work to yield the meat of only 1/2 a shrimp!

Seems like these days everyone who wants to eat healthy spends Sunday prepping food. Wondered if people here have tips. Just prepped the shrimp, green beans, cilantro, and ginger to make red curry coconut thai stir fry dish. Took forever.

Any tips on shrimp? In general?

Thanks for explaining. I do think he feels pretty invested in me at this point. I'm pretty sure he said something to that effect the other day. I'm not saying whether that's good or bad. I feel cared for, and that's one of the things I need from him. I don't think me feeling he's angry at me when I say things indicating I'm suicidal is very helpful though. In this particular instance, I felt like I was being a burden. He was out of town that day to attend a college football game, and to me his angry tone felt like "why are you such a pain in my ***? I'm trying to enjoy my weekend".

NP, I just had the chance to read your impact statement. The judge was right, and other couchies are right. You were so brave to deliver that statement, especially since you didn’t have to do it in person. I think you’ll find down the road that you’ll be glad you did it. You’ll look back (I hope) and see it as a healing experience.

Anyway, back to naps and Stranger Things.

My daughters watch Stranger Things? I am not sure what it is about, is it a supernatural thriller horror thing?

My eldest starts her final high school exams this week. She is hoping to get into one of the top universities here but it is 2000 kms away and I am worried that she won't really cope and I will have to fly down but then I remember she is more resilient than I was at. That age and maybe things will be alright

It is...

Glad you're feeling better

Also I'm sure your daughter will be able to cope. Going to university is different than other schools. It's hard and awful and stuff, BUT it's also a new experience. I guess it just works out somehow.

Rayne_, you apparently already know way more about shrimp than I do, but a red curry coconut thai stir fry dish sounds amazing! I went grocery shopping today but don't generally do a ton of prep ahead of time. It's mostly quick meals for days I work and more involved meals for days that I don't, with planned leftovers for lunches.

LT, I read your Dear T post and think you should go for it! I showed my T a webcomic to explain my feelings once (nope, twice, just realized). Compared to that, playing him a bit of a song seems downright normal!

Thanks, EM! I had talked about this band a bit with T2 last session because I had just seen them in concert. And he was like, "Are they from the '80s or '90s?" And I said, "No, they've only been around like 8 years." To which he asked, "What kind of music?" And I said, "Alternative, I guess?" Then i was like, "it was a really good show!" I also mentioned how I was standing near the front and how this guy gave me his spot right on the rail for the encore. And T2 seemed somewhat amused. Maybe because I was being so passionate about something. Or maybe he didn't see me as "chick who likes to stand in the front at rock shows" because I have social anxiety and stuff.