Couch 156: The Clock Strikes...

I'm crying and hating myself

*sits with capt*

I hate that this hurts so much for you. I wish I could take it away. You are a brave, valuable human being who deserves so much more than being in limbo between appointments. Write T a note, ask whether you can switch to weekly sessions.

You deserve help, capt. You're worth it.

...You're amazing.

That's great!! Congratulations!

Hugs Capt <3Lost is right. Please see T weekly if you can. You do deserve it.

(((capt)))I wish you could have weekly sessions you really do deserve it.

How to multiquote on Tapatalk?

Thank you Lost, QM and BCM


Yes, I can see him weekly... But I can't. Lol. Tbh I'm almost ready to call the clinic and ask for an earlier appointment... But I can't.

I'm garbage. He shouldn't try to save my life.

You are not garbage! You are a precious stone like all of us. Even diamonds are flawed but still valuable.

Please call the clinic, capt. You really do deserve to give yourself a chance.

You can tap on different posts on tapatalk, then press the "speech bubble icon in the top right. Here's a screenshot

Do try to call the clinic. Needs aren't wrong. I know you've been indoctrinated to believe with most of your heart that your needs don't matter. But they do.

You deserve to see T weekly. You deserve a life that isn't full of suffering. You deserve T, us couchies, real supportive local friends.

((Capt)) It must be terrible for you to feel so worthless. I want to join the others here though and say that I believe you are very important and really worth so much.

Cap you have value even if you can't see it.

Please try to call the clinic. You need all the help you can get.

I haven't been feeling very well. Just super tired and rather homesick even though home isn't a home.

Session with R yesterday, I cried a lot but we managed to iron things out in the end. I didn't like him being unpredictable like my parents and he finally got "it" and said he understood what I was saying and he agreed. The reason he was changing was that he was trying to find the best way to work with me and didn't know all the answers. When I gave him the gifts he was conscious of the effect that would have on the dynamic between us. He didn't want to be influenced by it and did become more closed off.

He asked what did I need from him. Reliability and out of session contact.

He had actually replied to my messages, but I didn't see them because they were going straight to my junk folder.

Sorry you were feeling crappy.
I'm glad you were able to work things out. I personally find reliability in therapists very important too.

We get awesome sunsets here...

That is absolutely spectacular...thanks, Munie.

That’s beautiful, Demunie.

Also hello couch. I’ve been around, just too busy to post much. Last night was parent teacher conferences, then after that H and I went over to a bonfire with a few friends. It’s been a good 36 hours.

I have today off, and even though I don't have enough energy to Do Something Fun, I did a bunch of cleaning/organizing and am now happily sitting in bed in the sunlight.

It's a small thing, being able to enjoy a day off, but it's nice <3

Beautiful sunset, Demunie!!

((capt)) You are not garbage.

You are a bright sweet loving voice. That shines through so clearly here.

Sending you a hug and a virtual kitten, maybe a stripey one.

Hi Couch. So yesterday I went to court and delivered my victim's impact statement. It was so much harder to do than I thought it was going to be. There were about 30 people in the courtroom. I was not expecting that at all. So I had to deliver this really personal speech in front of a bunch of strangers. I'd say about 20 of them were just normal people there for another defendant and the rest were lawyers and defendants.

My husband was there shackled at the waist and ankles. Court started about 40 minutes late and he was having a very animated conversation with his lawyer. They looked like best buds hanging out at a bar. I don't get it. I guess he was being super charming. He saw me there but as far as I could tell he wasn't staring at me like he did last time. His was the first case called. The judge first asked him and his lawyer some legal stuff. Then the DA gave a summary of the charges. Then they called me to give my statement. I had the option of going up to the table or just standing behind this short wall separating the seating area from the courtroom itself. I chose to stay behind the wall because it was further from my husband. When I got up there I completely froze for what seemed like an eternity. Someone shoved a box of Kleenex towards me but I didn't cry. I'm sure the whole room was staring at me. It was incredibly intimidating. I finally started reading my statement. My hands were shaking so hard that I could barely read the words on the paper. It seemed to take forever to read even though it was barely over a page long. I said thank you and sat back down. Then I had a panic attack that I did a fairly good job concealing from the rest of the room. I was also crying at this point. I don't know what happened at this point. Some more legal stuff I assume. I was too overwhelmed.

The next thing I recall is the judge asking my husband if he wanted to say anything. He didn't. This really upset me and I started crying again. I guess I thought after reading all this stuff he might at least say I'm sorry or something. The person that went with me said it looked like his lawyer told him not to say anything, but I'll have to take her word for that. I don't know if an apology would make me feel better or worse. I'm so confused about how I feel at this point.

I also noticed that he was hanging his head. My thought was that was all an act, but maybe I've just turned cynical when it comes to him. My friend said his eyes looked red and seemed to think you can't fake that. I don't know. Maybe he is ashamed of what he did or maybe he is only ashamed because his actions have been exposed.

So he got sentenced. I don't know what for. I heard some things about fines, but again I was too overwhelmed to absorb much of what happened. At the end the judge addressed me, but the only parts I remember are something about me being courageous for saying what I had and something about my neighbors probably aren't judging me the way I think they are. I'm not sure what else he said to me. Maybe I'll get a recording of the thing so I know what happened.

I felt exhausted after this. I drove my friend home and went back to my hotel. Then I got extremely depressed and I haven't been able to shake it. I feel lost and empty and like there's nothing left for me anymore. I emailed my therapist and asked him if he could call me sometime this weekend. He called me earlier today, but I'm not sure how well it went. I said something about feeling like everything was over now and his tone got angry and asked if I was threatening suicide. I wasn't threatening it, but I was thinking about it. I just said no. He needs to quit getting angry about it. It's not helpful. It makes me not want to tell him things.

Thanks for all the support from the couch during this time. I appreciate it. I hope I can return the favor someday.

Hugs, NP. You were so brave to do that....

((Complete))

Well done, Complete! I'm sure you made a big impression.

If anyone wants to read my statement, here's a link to it on dropbox.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/32be5uegae...ment.docx?dl=0

Thanks for sharing that--it's very powerful. I'm sorry you've suffered so much.

(((NP))) that was so very powerful. Thank you for sharing it. I am so sorry for all that you've suffered. And how brave and courageous you were to read it in court. I wish your t had been more supportive for you.