Couch 156: The Clock Strikes...

Well despite the high temperature of 81 today, we have chicken tortilla soup for dinner. It's extra delicious with sour cream on top and used for dipping tortilla chips into. I'm going to pass out from the hot flashes that are yet to come, but I ain't even mad!

<----My face when I read that. BARF.

He is a gormless twollop. A revolting gormless twollop.

LT, please do let me know if you want me to stop commenting on your Dear T threads on the couch, but your thing about MC accusing you of being a "boundary violator" made me laugh. All he's saying is that he's bad at enforcing boundaries. The client's gonna do what the client's gonna do (let's say within the limits of the law), and the T's job is to respond in a way that maintains the boundaries they're comfortable with. To claim that you shouldn't look him up online is absurd, even in the wife situation. I once told my T that I scrutinized her website when I missed her and then informed her that her practice's address on her website was wrong. Now *that's* creepy attention to detail! Then I came back a while later and told her that her colleague who hadn't been formally added to the practice yet had the same error on his (completely separate) site. She seemed nonchalant about my weird intensity.

I am so behind on the couch.... between training all day for new job and studying in the evening my brain be all used up lol. Maybe this weekend I'll get caught up w everybody....

T had a very t response to my email about not sure if I can give up the relationship. He said that eventually what he says, teaches, etc.. becomes a part of me. And I won't need him. That was about it. Well, then then he said, because of dual relationship- we will have interactions still sometimes. But still... it won't be the t/client relationship.

He did agree that I did not need to be coming in once a week, and we could work towards termination, but he would like to see me at least once a month for the next year or so. I will start by going every other week, for a while and then monthly.

one time when i asked my t "how will i know when it IS time to go?!" because i almost like clockwork go through phases of wanting to end but then i can't do it because it's too hard to let her go. she said "It won't feel like such a big deal anymore." I was like, "Oh."

Oh, it's fine to comment on them! I don't feel attacked or anything--if it became that way, I'd say something.

Yeah, I've become aware that a big part of the issue with him is that he's bad at keeping consistent boundaries. (Like the blurring between couples and individual therapy, sometimes enforcing that boundary, and sometimes not, allowing me individual outside contact, etc.) And that has definitely contributed to the transference/attachment, as well as some of the issues in our relationship. I don't know that he understands the effect that his extensive self-disclosure has had on me--and likely other clients as well. It sort of gives a false sense of connection in a way...and then if he's suddenly secretive about something, that can be hard to deal with in a way that it wouldn't be for a T who generally isn't so open.

He did immediately forgive me for the first time I Googled him and figured out his wife's name and found her Facebook page (pretty locked down). That took a lot more detective work than when a couple months later, I typed her in her name into Google and had the obituary come up as the top result... It had seemed pretty obvious something bad was going on. And MC stopped wearing his wedding ring a few weeks afterward--did he think I wouldn't notice that?

T1 seemed upset that I'd Googled her at all (though she apparently had a past stalker). T2 was very nonchalant when I told him I'd Googled him before our first appointment. He said he expected it. And how he'd Googled the person who cut down his trees. I think that's a more realistic perspective on client Googling.

As for your last point, I've noted to MC that he both spells and defines "HIPAA" incorrectly in his e-mail signature, but he hasn't changed it... I haven't even bothered bringing up the grammatical errors in his profile on the practice's website...

Wonder of wonders...Info actually sent a useful email.

Maybe the step-by-step directions I sent her helped.

I can't decide: maybe I'm right about therapists being solely responsible for holding the boundaries, or maybe I'm just such a raging boundary violator that I would make any other T break. My T is pretty stubborn, and it takes a lot to faze her (as in, I don't think I've managed to do it yet). One time I told her that I thought she had good boundaries, and she said that I have good boundaries too (???). I do tell her no sometimes. And sometimes I also tell her that I hate her boundaries. I'm probably a total delight as a client.

I take breaks all the time – I don't feel the need to talk to the woman about them. I find them useful

It's good when one of those people can take some instruction well. If the woman ever managed it, I would probably be tempted to toss her one of the dog snacks that I keep in my pockets. What a good girl. She always seems to be seeking positive reinforcement

On boundaries—I am starting to think therapists assume that a lot of the “boundaries” with clients are those of polite social acquaintances, e.g., the client won’t Google them a lot, won’t send frequent emails/texts, call them at 2 am, be too interested in their personal lives, etc. And that’s why it seems like a number of them have such trouble laying them out or enforcing them, or get upset when there is a “violation”—they think the client should understand this already and behave accordingly. They’re not really in touch with the reality of their job and their clientele.

(None of this is to say you’re a boundary violator, LT. Just what I think a lot of therapists, including MC, might think.)

That is an excellent point! I think that's one of the things that is really different about therapy. I say/do things with my T that I would never say or do in a normal social relationship. I also think those things that I say and do are often a way to explore important, deep things. I've spent so much of my life following the rules and trying to please other people that I lost touch with some core aspects of my self. With her, I'm finally free to be myself, even when that self is needy and obsessive and angry. Plus even when I'm angry with my T for saying no to something, I admire her ability to be kind without caving in. The world would be a better place if more people could walk that line.

I've found breaks useful too. Well the ones that I have instigated anyway. I plan on my upcoming break starting later this month being more lengthy than ones in the past have been. The longest one was like 4 years ago and that lasted for 3 months or so.

This week at work has flown by so fast, training for my new job. I'm learning so much!! I'm now a Web Correspondence Specialist - will be answering messages that members send through our web site. We're a team of 20+ people spread over different locations. I'm excited about it, because we'll be answering basically the same kinds of questions that I already got on the phone, except without the pressure of them being on the phone yelling at me and without the ridiculous handle time requirement. I also found out this week that the department I really want to move to, is under the same corporate reporting structure that I just moved to, the Documentation peeps who write the work instructions and bulletins and all that jazz - THAT'S what I want to do - and I'm getting closer to my goal moving to the job I just got.

t will be so proud of me when i tell her tomorrow. yeah i admit it. i like it when t is proud of me...

I know multiple people with a masters degree who would do that.

You have my deepest sympathy.

It's not clear whether "twollop" is a corruption of "twollock" or vice versa, or whether they are genuinely different words.

My job search is generally paralysed by anxiety, but I have just had a good couple of hours and got an application away.

I'm still not sure whether I should concentrate on quantity or quality. My wife recommends quantity so that I don't have to be emotionally invested.

I would say quantity for the bulk of them ad if there ones you really want put that extra mile in, but if you are like me and don't get the job you rapeally wanted it is too devasting so maybe your wife is right as she knows you better. Good luck CE

whatever the etymology, "gormless twollop" remains an awesome phrase!

Congrats on getting the application away, CE. The job search is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I told my T I wanted a break yesterday, but I didn't think my approach through and it all went sideways on me. I don't really want to quit therapy, and he knows that. After unsuccessfully lying to him about my reasons during the first part of our session, I finally told him to forget I said anything and could we please start over. So we started over. Towards the end of the session, I started feeling like maybe I should tell him what the real reason was, but we were out of time. He asked if I would tell him on Monday and I told him maybe. I wrote what I was thinking and feeling down last night, but I'm nervous to let him read it. I don't know if I should let him know what's going on or not. We've had similar conversations before, and they always make me super anxious.

Hugs. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I think you should let him know if you can. I barely ever told T about those feelings but the few times I did, it was helpful.

We're here if you need someone to talk to. Or to distract you.

Hugs, NP. Writing it down is a good idea, so you can let him know what's going on even if you're not able to speak it. You are good with words--I noticed that in the statement you wrote for the court, and writing it out is a good way to access your voice when speaking is hard.