Couch 156: The Clock Strikes...

Hugs... If your T is worth his salt, he won't think that How did he react?

He seemed to take a lot of notes. Asked me some clarifying questions that seemed to indicate he didn't understand what I wrote. (I wrote it down vs. saying it out loud.) I don't know if he thinks I was serious or just vying for attention from him. I feel so ashamed and pathetic.

I want to apologize to all who helped me when my ex-T "abandoned" me. I no longer know if what she did qualifies as abandonment. I probably shouldn't have filed a grievance! I got caught up in my emotions, and caught everyone else in them too. I didn't remember what happened. I didn't read back on my own posts. Now I have my answer. Ex-T left me because of my attachment and because I wasn't following her advice. I was too much for her. Stupid BPD. For two plus years you all have supported me. Really, I was just torturing myself. I could have avoided so much pain if only I had remembered what happened that day. But I deserve the pain. I deserve to suffer. I'm not a good person, and most of you know that.

I'm not looking for support or advice. Why I didn't make a new thread. I really am sorry for all that I've put people through.

I'm going to bow out for awhile so I don't take up anymore time or energy from people.

I really don't think he'd believe it was you vying for attention. He knows you've been through quite a bit and are struggling. And it sounds like he really cares. You're not pathetic--you're certainly not the only one who's had those thoughts...

How was that not abandonment? I think what your T did to you is exactly the definition of abandonment. (Not intended as support or advice, just puzzled by your statement.)

NP: I truly believe your T does not hate you, nor thinks you are some attention-seeker. When I was worried about that with my T, she assured me she did not think that, but also said that even if that was what I was doing, that was a problem that deserved help too.

There have been a couple of times, once when I said something about feeling suicidal at the last minute of our session, and when I've said something on the phone or in email that could be interpreted the same way, when he has said that it seems like I am trying to "get a reaction" out of him. I don't consciously feel like I'm trying to get a reaction from him, but maybe part of me is. I just don't know. I do know that I don't want to be seen as just trying to get attention and I wonder if that's what he really thinks when he says that statement. I'm not pretending. But maybe me telling him about feeling suicidal is attention-seeking vs actually wanting help. I'm so confused.

I don't understand what that means either. Why wouldn't you want a reaction out of him? Saying, "I need help" should facilitate him reacting with "Okay, I will help you."

When I worried to my T that I was seeking attention from her, she said she didn't think I was doing that (like purposely blowing up my life so she would have to help me), and that it's okay for me to want to be attended to when I'm struggling. I also agree with Velcro that people who are "attention seekers" are probably seeking attention for a reason and definitely deserve help too.

I once expressed something similar and he said "you need extra attention right now". I just wonder when patience is going to run out for me and I'm just going to become a needy nuisance. I want somebody to take care of me for a while and that makes me feel so weak. I wish I could just cry on someone's shoulder for a while. But I don't have a support system. I only have my therapist and he can't do that. I feel so alone.

What LT said. Plus, whether or not you were abandoned, what mattered was that you were in enormous pain. That’s why people were supportive. Don’t think there’s any need for apologies.

So we got access to the system required for doing new job late this morning. I've already worked 4 emails in it. Woo! I can't tell you how much more enjoyable it is reading and responding to emails than it was to listen and talk on the phone. And, we get twice as much time for handling. Which is great because I type really fast, which means I can take more of the time researching and understanding which I enjoy. I'm so excited today being in the computer system now I'm hardly noticing my throat. Well, at least until I tried to eat lunch. Ouch. Got appt at a Walgreen's clinic for after work.

Scarlett, I don't think it matters whether it was or wasn't. What matters is YOU. Whatever happened, it left you in great distress and pain. Not sure why you are apologizing for very human and very real responses to a very stressful and traumatic event in your life. No apologies needed.

Scarlett I so agree w what LT and Lolag said. Be gentle with yourself. No apology needed.

I emailed my T. I thought she'd be mad at me, but she wasn't. She said that forgetting or distorting events is a sign of trauma. And that she's very happy I have an answer. I'm just mad at myself and embarrassed that the answer was right there. I never read my old thread because I thought it would only make me feel worse. Two and a half years...all the pain and hatred. My T says that we can work with this and move forward now. I just feel like an idiot. And the messed up part is I still don't remember that part of the conversation.

I want to start doing yoga due to a major stress overload at work. However, it is expensive so I might start doing it on youtube to begin with?? I think it would help with my stress in that it is grounding. If anyone has any suggestions it would be much appreciated.

I love the Yoga with Adriene videos. She has a ton of them (some specifically for anxiety, depression, etc), and her voice is so soothing. She has a nice, reasonable approach to yoga and is all about adjusting it to fit your body and needs too. I'm planning to do the yoga for lower back pain one again after work today.

Appreciate that, EM. I looked at them briefly, but wasn't aware of the specific ones. Will have another look.

If you can afford it, I would recommend YogaGlo ($18/month). The instructors are really good, the tapes are made in a live class so you feel like you have fellow students, there’s all kinds of levels and types of yoga and class durations, etc.

Thanks for the recommendations EM and ATAT I will definitely look those up. In my area, there are yoga classes called "hot yoga" which are expensive and I don't think I would like doing yoga in the heat, although it might be good for me.

I'm going to check that out too. My t is always going on about yoga but I've never tried it. Sounds interesting.

Work days go so fast being off the phones. Whole e cow....

Today was awful. After my miserable doctors appointment, I went to the cell phone shop to pick up my replacement phone. My old one was overheating and the home button wasn't working.

So I've been trying to get all of my stored iCloud stuff onto this phone for hours to no avail. I've lost my contacts, text messages, favorites, music, everything. I just want to scream and cry and break things.

Was running errands after going to the cell phone store and drove past RoboTs office. Took everything I had not to go in. I just want someone to care.

(((daisy)))

Waiting for the doc....

(Germ-free virtual) hugs to all who want/need.

((((Daisy))))
Feel better Art.