Couch 156: The Clock Strikes...

Yes, it's the way he laughs about it! Like "ha ha, I had to talk to my doctor about constipation, it's so funny!"

Hehe Baby T

So I’m sitting in the parking lot. Appointment in 16 minutes. Eep.

Pocket riders?

I think I watch different tv from you all.

I'll hop in!

I tend to DVR most things and fast forward. But if it's, say, a football game, I'm more likely to watch live. And they have lots of drug commercials during those...and cars/trucks.

So, I just got an e-mail from Amazon that they're starting a service in select cities where they'll deliver your packages INSIDE your front door. It's called Amazon Key. Um, I love Amazon and all, but I'm not letting them inside my house!!!

im in ur pocket with chocolate for before, during, and/or after

Okay I’m not sure what kind of chocolate that is but it looks delicious

bobah from 2 years ago today

it's milk chocolate... for lonely people.

i get 3 channels thru my antenna. for free. so my options are pretty limited

sketchhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ughhhh she’s 10 minutes late.

Yeah, no thanks. I'm imagining the first data breach when people's key codes are exposed. I'll stick with metal keys and risk the occasional stolen package, thanks!

LT I hadn't seen this when I posted this morning. I was saying that commercial seemed to be minimizing the horror of it, not saying you were. Written communication is difficult, sometimes it's hard to understand the tone, and I'm generally sarcastic.

And I've never told a doctor I've got 'mild to moderate' anything. That's such a professional sounding statement. Usually I say 'my back hurts, 8 on the pain scale' and that's about as professional as I know how to be!

I feel the same way. Plus a stranger inside my house? Shudder.

I need my cat NOW.

I don't want to wait until Thanksgiving.

I want to give up now.

When I feel that way, especially in relationship to marriage stuff, I try to remind myself I survived 7+ years in an abusive relationship.

To me that basically means I can take anything life throws at me.

I think my husband finally broke me at the end. He said and did some really cruel things. I feel like the criminal justice system doesn't care what he did to me. They pretend to care, but once I informed them of the restraining order, which contained details about what he's capable of, it didn't make any difference. They still accepted his plea offer. Now my T has put up this wall that doesn't ethically need to be there. But it's his choice to go that route. All of the above makes me feel really devalued and ultimately alone.

I think what abuse conditions us to do is not just to feel devalued, but to judge our value through others’ eyes instead of our own. That’s not just a set-up for future abuse, it’s to isolate us so we don’t reach out for help, and so we’re easy prey for other abusers.

I think your therapist made the wrong choice, and if he wasn’t going to go, he should have gotten you an alternative, like a victim’s rights advocate. That doesn’t mean that you have no value and that you’re alone. He’s still there, just in limited ways.

The legal system? They’re prosecuting him for arson, not abuse. They have several masters to serve, and the victim is one tiny voice. That’s not right, but it’s also not about you personally. Like your therapist, they’re there, just in limited ways. It says nothing about you and everything about how the justice system works.

As for your husband, yeah, he did and said terrible things. But you are not those things and you did not deserve those things. He tried to convince you that you were those things to control you. You’ve already done such a great job of getting out from under his thumb, please don’t listen to his voice in your head. I know it’s hard, but he was/is wrong.

This is what I struggle with. I didn't do anything. He committed a crime and got arrested for it. I didn't get to exercise any agency by leaving him. The only thing I've actually done at this point is get that restraining order.

And it's really, really hard to get rid of his voice in my head. It's been there for 20+ years.

I didn’t mean just leaving him. I meant starting to build a life without him, cutting off contact, getting the RO...all of this is getting out from under him both physically and psychologically.

I call future ex all kinds of names when his voice comes up in my head. Things I never said in real life to him or anyone. When I remind myself of his good qualities, then I make myself remember some of the things he did/said. I was raised to look for the good in everyone and to be fair, keep in mind both sides of the story, and that’s nice, but often impractical, especially when recovering from abuse. Forget nice, forget love. Your priority is you.

(((NP)))

The last text I sent to my T last night said "tell you what just forget about it" I dont talk that way normally and never so casually to my T. Does my madness never stop?