[justbreathe1994]

This is going to sound really depressing (part of me feels sad it's a reality and the other party me feels at peace, so peaceful sadness? Idk), but I feel like therapy triggered a shift in my mindset today. I'm angry at my therapist. I disagree with her on a lot of things. We are very different. Rather than fighting her today or holding on to hope for something, I sought out situations and things I'd know she trigger me. For example, in the past, I'd leave my session early hoping she'd stop me from leaving (which sometimes she has done and sometimes she hasn't). In the times she didn't stop me or want to make sure I'd be okay, I'd get SO hurt and angry and disregulated. Today I knew she wouldn't hold me back and I purposefully left early because I wanted to prove to myself that didn't care. I got excited even... I was happy in a way because I knew it would trigger negative feelings and everything in me wants to detach from her right now. It's like a sick game - I look for ways to convince myself she doesn't care. It may just be a way of coping - feeling happy when I get triggered by her and hoping for a reaction that will convince me that I don't need her. Perhaps I've wanted her to care about me for so long that I'm finally giving up and using a really triggering experience to my own benefit. It's like I'm just rechanneling all my emotions into something that feels more within my control, which is detachment. Idk if this makes sense or not and I'm not sure what I'm hoping for by writing this out on here... thanks to whoever read and listened. I think I just wanted to get it out.

[RaineD]

It makes sense to me, fwiw. I can relate.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your therapist. It sucks.

[Out There]

Sometimes things are very tangled and need to be untangled - and the mindset may change. In the midst of something there may be something very important that makes sense. Getting it out somewhere often helps with that.

[SalingerEsme]

Down deep, did you leave to try and get her to connect with you and take responsibility for healing a rift, meaning a ruptire( which IS her responsibility) or because you have an inner voice realizing this is the wrong therapist for you?
It sounds like so much pain and turmoil between you and your T, when is feels so much better to be on the same team and work side by side in accord.
My feelings shift and change over the days and weeks; sometimes I am suspicious & defensive, other times I feel understood . I made a rule for myself not to "act" anything out the times I feel bad and like making a statement of hurt feelings by not showing up or walking out, and to use words only. It has been hard, but it forces me to either quit or stay, my choice. I wonder if you could observe yourself and your T to your T? Just say you notice you left early, bc there is a rupture not getting addressed, and you are losing faith in all of it?

[here today]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

. . .I've wanted her to care about me for so long that I'm finally giving up and using a really triggering experience to my own benefit. It's like I'm just rechanneling all my emotions into something that feels more within my control, which is detachment. . . I think I just wanted to get it out.

I understand, too. I didn't do this kind of thing myself but there were "parts" of me that needed to "act out" in therapy in order for me to see and hope to ever understand/accept them. Therapists didn't ever get that, unfortunately.

The important, I think, is that in what I quoted you are OBSERVING yourself and what seems to be going on. AND communicating with other human beings, so it doesn't stay all inside. It does make sense.

As SalingerEsme said, for me eventually it gave me a choice -- but not in the beginning. First I had to observe.

So, yes, use therapy for that if it helps. It's your session, your mental health. Hope your therapist can find a way to help. If not, there are other human being who do understand. That's been important for me to try to believe that. I still don't quite but I haven't entirely given up.