the push pull

Session in an hour. I'm nervous and anxious and can't wait to get there, all at one time.

I'm anxious because of my calling last time after session when I was a complete mess. And I want to express to her how much it meant that she called me back and connected with me at work the 2nd morning after, after trying to reach me at home and not succeeding the night before. Knowing I can't talk at work but could listen and be grounded and reassured and feel better. I want her to understand how much that means to me and I'm afraid I'll just go in and say, Oh, yeah,by the way, thanks.

But I want to be there with her, anxious or not. Worried or not (with thoughts that she's sick of me and wants me to leave). I really really really want a warm session where I feel 'held'.

And I don't want to cry.

And I want to be real.

And I want to find the words I need.

I want so much to go twice a week but can't afford it. Who knows, maybe if I was going twice a week I'd say I want to go 3 times a week. Nothing seems to make me happy.

I haven't even left home yet and I'm dreading the session being over. Now that's just crazy.

Hope you were able to relax and be there, however it was (crying or not :-) and felt warm and held. I especially hope you found some words, one of my problems too.

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Billy Joel - "And So It Goes"

(((((((((((( ECHOES ))))))))))))

How did it go?
"Nothing makes me happy" .. I'm there too

ECHOES, how did it go? I hope you were able to connect and feel warm and held and cared for. That is wonderful about the post-session phone calls last time. I hope you were able to express your thanks.

How did it go? How was the connection? Let us know.... hoping it went well for you.

Thank you to all who read and replied. I always appreciate your taking the time to read and offer input and feedback.

It went well. She brought up the post-session phone call. I was both afraid (she's going to be angry and ditch me for being too needy!) and ashamed because again I couldn't remember what all I had said and had to tell her that. All part of the process she said, it's okay. I felt reassured and verbally hugged.

One aspect of the call we talked about was about not saying what I want in there, in the moment when I'm feeling it. I'm aware of that somewhat but mostly it's afterward that I feel much of anything. I said that I think that it builds up during session and I supress it whether aware of it or not. And that afterward I allow my self to feel it and that causes the volcanic eruptions :-). It's an old pattern of not reacting/feeling until I am off alone.. many reasons for that then, but not helpful now.

She agrees and revisited how the therapeutic relationship works, that we do this *together* and she *wants* my input. That I will be heard, listened to, and that what I have to say is important. Also said that she likes my associations. I felt safe; I hope I can hang onto that feeling.

We talked about the fantasies again. She said last session how they are not abnormal and that they are useful in everyday life. True and I hadn't thought of that. And that they are also part of the process.

I told her I wondered if the fantasy that makes me 'take myself away' while in session is a defense. She was curious. I'd been thinking that since I have difficulty talking, and the fantasy takes me away so I don't/can't talk, then...
Well, isn't THAT handy!!

She mentioned childhood development and how we'd explore that together. OH! I didn't know she meant that in that way before. I thought she mentioned Anna Freud and Erik Erikson as a way of gaining background, reference. But she means we can talk about the mechanics of it in session. I am glad to hear that.

So many of my memories are so vague, blah, tidbits.. if there at all. Odd that I spent many years rehashing and reliving and now those things are hard to get to. Have I worked through them, or I just stuffed them away I wonder. Time will tell I suppose...

Anywyay, love T, love analysis. Remind me next week ok?